


Anonymous Friend

by silkytint



Category: EXO (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Drama & Romance, F/M, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26698225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkytint/pseuds/silkytint
Summary: Jongin is a brokenhearted guy with scars scraping both his mental state and physical body. Seulgi is an enthusiastic student, merely doing research for her final task.This is the world where the boundary between strangers and friends is hazy and obscure. Everyone will have different stories to unravel, build upon their intention.This is Vault. An application where strangers with multifaceted experiences, scars, expectations, and identities meet and develop relationships based on how far they can maintain their persona.What happened when they both met as anonymous in Vault?Story and artwork by silkytint ©2020.
Relationships: Kang Seulgi & Kim Jongin | Kai, Kang Seulgi/Kim Jongin | Kai, Kim Jongin | Kai & Park Chanyeol, Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. The First (Virtual Meeting)

62 days after the accident.

Jongin had formed 2 distinctive habits since his world had torn apart.

First, as his consciousness gradually piled up every morning, he had to assemble all his energy into raising his left leg. Even when both of his eyes are still wholly closed. 

But just like the other 62 days, the pain still slithered through his left leg to his waist every time he tried to form a 45 degrees angle. His consciousness evoked into the maximum level, to the point that his eyes became wide-open. The glistening white ceiling of his room greeted his vision. Jongin sighed deeply. 

_Where is the end of this misery?_

The second habit he formed was to hate Friday. Thank God It’s Friday? More like, God Fucking Dammit, Why Is It Friday?

It was not about the two classes he had to attend. It was about the unavoidable weekly activity at 5 PM on Fridays that became the source of his hatred.

He had to attend physiotherapy in the hospital.

Although the doctor had also said that Jongin would not have the ability to move 100 percent normally like he used to, this therapy was still obligatory. The goal was no longer to restore Jongin’s left leg’s ability. But to catapult, then drop to shatter the remaining hope he had of being able to carry out activities that had been the epitome of his life’s enthusiasm.

Dancing. 

To have the faculty changed every class Jongin attended this semester into the first floor only was not a privilege, either. It was just another way to shove a fact to his face that he was disabled. And for that, he didn’t want anyone to sugarcoat this fact into a friendlier term. What for? Everyone in this faculty already knows this decision was made because of Jongin.

_Because he almost got his left leg amputated on last winter break._

The class ended at 4 PM today. Even if the new semester has been going on for 5 weeks, some of Jongin’s classmates still lent him a hand to walk him out of the class. Jongin rejected them politely. He needed to gain control of his actions to suppress the sense of anguish ingrained in his mind since the accident happened. 

In other words, Jongin loathed receiving pity from other people. It made him want to puke to see the poignant look people threw on him. 

He grabbed the crutches that lay on the wall right next to his desk. Inserting his arm into the crutch’s sleeve, he grasped the upright handle with his hands and then jolted the bottom to the floor while slowly leaned on his right foot to stand up. He walked carefully out of the classroom.

But Chanyeol was an exception.

That tall guy came from the back and gave Jongin a smack on his shoulder. It was Chanyeol’s signature gesture to greet his best friends. Smiling from ear to ear, Chanyeol grabbed on Jongin’s right arm to help him walk.

“You’re walking even worse than my grandpa after he returned from the war, man. Speed it up”. 

“Then stop holding my arms. It’s not your personal possession”.

Did it work? Of course not. Quite the opposite, Chanyeol pulled Jongin’s arm even closer to his torso. Both of them chuckled.

“Wanna play PUBG tonight?”, Chanyeol suggested.

“Sure. 8 PM?”.

“I had to go somewhere this evening. Project purposes”, he said. “How about 10?”.

“Sounds great”. 

Jongin yearned to have quality time with his best friends in his home that was supposed to be his safest, most comfortable place. But since the accident, he usually held himself back upon the feeling of anxiousness if he did anything that is considered imperceptibly over the boundaries by his dad. 

That is, including bringing his friends to play an online game until morning at the weekend.

Mr. Lee, Jongin family’s private driver, had been waiting inside their car at his faculty entrance gate. Chanyeol bid Jongin a goodbye by patting on the boy’s shoulder a couple times.

“Good luck for your therapy!”, Chanyeol shouted while Jongin opened the car door.

With a straight face, Jongin flashed his middle finger to Chanyeol, who was laughing soundlessly. 

The cold air from AC, the smell of fresh bergamot, and Mr. Lee’s smile greeted Jongin when he sat and closed the car door. 

“All good, Mr. Kim?”.

“All good, Mr. Lee”.

Mr. Lee then drove the car out of the campus area to a private hospital in Seoul.

~***~

The therapy session that afternoon runs just like what it is. Jongin did the therapy half-assed, as he had planted a mindset that it is 99 percent impossible for him to reverse the damage on his left leg. There was still 1 percent hope hanging at the back of his mind—a hope that he could return to his dancing world unobstructedly like he used to—but it was so tiny that Jongin almost always jostles it deep into his unconscious mind. 

On the other hand, Mrs. Shin, Jongin’s personal doctor, was not yet giving up on Jongin’s progress. Maybe she was just wary of facing a depressed 21-year-old boy. Maybe she just wanted him to recover quickly so she could get rid of him faster. Maybe. It was all in Jongin’s head. Mrs. Shin was a woman in her mid-40s who was actually genuine and loving—so distant from the conventional cold and emotionless doctor’s stereotype Jongin had on his mind.

“Good afternoon, Jongin. How’s your class going?”, Mrs. Shin greeted him with a broad smile when the physiotherapist and Jongin entered her room. 

“Boring”, Jongin sat on the chair right in front of Mrs. Shin’s desk. 

“Because you understand everything already?”, Mrs. Shin took the paper board from the physiotherapist. 

“Yeah, I guess”. 

“I get the same problem during my college year”, she said while glancing at Jongin. “That’s a clever student’s problem. Don’t worry”.

Jongin raised both corners of his lips into a smile, just to be polite to Mrs. Shin. He observed Mrs. Shin, who examined the notes that Jongin’s physiotherapist made that day on the paper. That woman didn’t show any mad or angry expression, even though Jongin was utterly sure that his therapy that afternoon didn’t run smoothly. 

“Do you still need pain-killer?”, Mrs. Shin said before taking off her glasses and put the paperboard on her desk.

“A lot”, Jongin answered quickly. “I mean, I want to climb the stairs normally so I can go back to my original bedroom, but it’s excruciating to do so”.

“Well...then you should start your step, literally and figuratively, from the physiotherapy”. Mrs. Shin smiled at him. “Your progress has been stagnant for the past two weeks”, she said while pointing at the notes on paperboard with her pen. “Do you need another help, Jongin?”.

“Another help?”.

“I see that you have many thoughts going on in here”, Mrs. Shin tapped on her temple a few times. “If it’s not channeled properly, it could affect not only your physical progress but also your personal well-being. Do you perhaps, want to consider meeting a medical professional? Just to help you vent?”.

“I’ll think about it first”. _It’s a no for me._ “And discuss it to my parents”. _And never talk about it to my parents._

Mrs. Shin nodded her head. She scribbled something on the notes, tore it up, and gave it to Jongin. It was the prescription for pain-killer. “Alright, Jongin. Let me know if you had made up your mind”. 

Walking out Mrs. Shin’s room, Jongin’s energy was way more depleted than 10 minutes prior when he first walked in. Jongin thought he would be desensitized by all these recovery-physiotherapy-fuckery things as times goes by, but his mind refused to change the status quo.

It didn’t take long for him to get the pain-killer from the pharmacist. Sliding his dad’s credit card to pay for the bill, he then tucked it again on his bag’s outer pocket. To think about putting his dad’s belonging into one of his personal items—his wallet—irritated him to the core, let alone to actually put it in.

Mr. Lee was still on the way to the hospital after taking Jongin’s mom back from the community center to their home. So Jongin bought a bottle of milk tea from the hospital’s canteen and waited for Mr. Lee, while drinking the beverage and scrolling through his twitter.

Jongin frowned on the word that became the first trending topic.

Vault. This topic had been discussed in more than 75 thousand tweets.

_Isn’t that a tool for storing valuables?_

He clicked on the word and let his eyes wandered through the tweets. But inevitably, he got the opposite idea when he saw top tweets with the highest engagement. 

_“It’s crazy that months ago we’re just mere strangers talking about kinds of stuff we’re too scared to tell people we know in real life. We’ve been conversing in Vault, then we decided to meet, and I can proudly call her as my girlfriend now”._

Jongin skimmed through the whole thread, which was consisted of about 10 tweets. In summary, this guy told his story about how he saved a girl with many mental issues through Vault. The app’s anonymity nature gave both of them closure to the point that they felt very comfortable. The tweet was shared stirred responses. Some told the similar experience they had with Vault—gaining friends or significant others, and some were...hating it because that guy seemed to take advantage of her. 

_“We have similar apps too before, where users can engage anonymously in a conversation with another user. But why Vault is different? First, it took a larger heap to give users options not just to send text, but also to send pictures privately, which is not found in prior similar apps. But it’s also accompanied by stricter regulations of censorship which deal with what kind of content is allowed to be sent”._

_“Remember when Secrets and Whisper were shut down a few years back? It should give you a clue about how this so-called-anonymous app won’t work in a very judgmental society we’re in. Sooner or later, people will realize that Vault is as no shit as they are”._

Now Jongin could grasp the big idea of what Vault actually was. It’s like twitter, but everyone knows no one. You can post only in the form of text to your “timeline”, and then you can reply to their post or chat with them via private messages. It is also like Tinder, where the feature borrowed by this Vault app is knowing the distance between each user and shows posts by users only within the determined range. 

_Interesting_ , Jongin mumbled to himself. Mayhap, instead of going to the shrink like Mrs. Shin suggested—which includes a lot of commitment and energy to do so—he could use this free app.

~***~

“Kang Seulgi, do you have a plan in mind already about your research topic?”.

It was practically an inoffensive question for most people, but Seulgi found herself crammed by anxiety when Mr. Seo asked her.

Today marked the 5th meeting of the Digital and New Media class. The final goal that has to be fulfilled by students who took this course was to work on a paper and present it more engagingly and creatively during the exhibition. It will be held in the last week of the semester. 

Seulgi set her standard high and did not want to do a bare minimum for every course. She wanted to present something unusual, something that will stand out among the others. Even it means that she needed more time to craft her entire plan carefully. 

She promised Mr. Seo that she will come up with something next week. And she meant it. That’s why the thought of banging her head against the wall resurfaces again right after she walked out Mr. Seo’s class (even though Seulgi knows she will never do it as she is afraid of losing every memory and skill she has). 

“Why don’t you aim for something simple, huh?”, Seungwan said during lunch at their college’s food court. “As if you have plenty of time and energy to do anything else”.

“You know that no one’s opinion will cross through that head-rock head of her”, Joohyun blew the hot soup in her spoon before slurping on it. 

Seulgi sighed. “I’ll find a way soon. I just want to confide to you guys”. She swept a spoonful bite of her bibimbap into her mouth. 

A short vibrate from her jacket’s pocket distracted Seulgi’s activity. She got a message from someone she didn’t know on her twitter. That person complimented her article that was posted yesterday on an online magazine that promotes gender equality.

Typing a response swiftly, Seulgi then scrolled through her timeline with her left hand. It caught her attention when she saw some of her followings retweeted a similar topic at once. 

“Vault?”, Seulgi unconsciously voiced the word while clicking on one of the tweets.

“Did you know that already?”, Seungwan’s mouth was still half-stuffed by foods. “I saw that thread on twitter too this morning”.

“Huh? What is that?”, Joohyun asked. 

“Did you remember when we were in high school, there is an app called Secrets?”, said Seungwan. “Vault is similar to Secrets! But it is the improved version, I guess? I don’t know. I never downloaded Vault before”.

“What improvement do you mean?”.

“You can send photos through private chats. Secrets was only allowing people to post and comment. It went viral because a dude is sharing his story of meeting someone through Vault”.

Seulgi kept listening to the chatter of her friends while reading tweets about Vault. She was intrigued by the premise of this app. Communicating things that were considered confidential with someone we never know in real life before actually gave us a safer feeling.

Her stomach grumbled with a familiar pain, and her heart rate jumped out higher in no time. Seulgi knew this feeling. The feeling when a terrific idea strikes her mind.

“I found it! I found it!”. Seulgi shrieked with a massive smile on her face, both of her eyes are crinkled into a thin line by her rising cheeks. “I know what I’m going to do for Digital and New Media class!”.

Joohyun and Seungwan turned their head to each other, then looked at Seulgi again. “Don’t tell me that you want to do a research about Vault”, Joohyun said.

“I don’t say that I’m going to do a research about Vault, but that’s exactly what I’m saying”, Seulgi pressed the like button on some tweets that are relevant to Vault, saving it for her research purpose later. “It’s going to be great!”.

“Good for you then”, Seungwan said. “Finally, you’ll stop nagging to us about your Digital and New Media class”.

Seulgi chuckled and saved her phone into her pocket again. “And you? How’s your research with PUBG thing going on?”.

“I’m killing two birds with a stone”, Seungwan replied. “I have to do my research while playing the game at once. Isn’t that cool?”.

“Cool my ass. You’re just making up an excuse to have more time to play”, Joohyun responded, which then gained her a slap on her arm from Seungwan. 

“And what are you? A middle-aged woman? Who the hell still use Facebook nowadays?”, Seungwan struck back and stuck her tongue out to Joohyun.

“I pick the easier route, duh?”.

Seulgi began to roughly outline the research in her brain. She was optimistic that her idea will be approved by Mr. Seo and get a satisfactory grade.

~***~

Later that night, when she was about to hit the hay, Seulgi installed Vault on her phone. She set up her profile, which required her to choose one of the avatars that the app has provided her, a nickname, and the determined radius. Seulgi picked the tree as her avatar. There were options like ribbon, pink dress, and heels—but Seulgi wanted to present herself as ambiguous by gender. She slid the button to 15 km for radius before she stayed idle for a moment to think of her nickname. She averted her gaze around her room.

Seulgi then spotted a hundred US dollar bill that she framed along with an envelope, postcard, and a light brown paper letter. It was hanging on a special place of her wall—on the right side of her desk—where she placed a lot of random and memorable things. Stuff inside the frame was given by her pen pal from Philadelphia. They were still sending each other letters once in a while, although they have been connected by social media. 

She then typed 100dollar as her display name, and by her surprise, it was available. 

Her timeline was set up a few moments later. A bunch of posts showed up in her timeline from people in a radius 15 km around her. Seulgi lived in an area close to her campus, and many students lived in this area for the sake of easiness to commute. This might contribute to her timeline being dominated by young-adult people problems. Love and relationships. Toxic parents. Not having enough income to make end meets. College’s life pressures. 

1rhapsody4 was the one who made that post 6 hours ago. That user set ocean wave as their avatar. When Seulgi looked at the top of her phone screen, it was 11:21 PM.

She clicked on the post and found that some users had commented below. The fact that all comments were about positive affirmations to user 1rhapsody4 left Seulgi feeling astonished. And at the same time, she was struck by the irony of how her mind was conditioned to think about the worst scenario first when she saw suicidal posts. 

_In this South Korean society? People didn’t brush off anyone who struggles with their own mental health? Marvelous._

Some were wishing 1rhapsody4 to feel better soon, and some others were reminding them about enjoying things and valuable people in their life. Warmth seeped through Seulgi’s heart, seeing how kind and supportive the interaction between a group of strangers could be. 

_“Day 62 and you’re still alive because there are many blessings you haven’t got a chance to see yet. Hang in there, 1rhapsody4”._

Seulgi continued to read other posts in her timeline for the next thirty minutes, and she left comments on some. She wanted to explore specifically the pattern of communication within this app. The most noticeable characteristic that Seulgi had been observing so far was, anonymity was proven to give people more trust in each other that it was possible to reveal your darkest thought or secret. 

_But I need to back it up with scientific arguments and theories._

She jumped out of her bed and takes her notebook from the desk. Seulgi hastily jotted down the ideas that had been circulating inside her mind. She tried to match her writing speed with her thinking speed, which was running faster than a cheetah. She couldn’t even be bothered to care about how her handwriting turned uglier as she filled row by row. 

When she looked at the wall clock again, it was already midnight.

Seulgi picked up her phone while still standing beside her bed and she was greeted by a new notification from Vault.

_“What kind of blessing am I supposed to have when I can’t even do the things I love anymore?”._

User 1rhapsody4 messaged her through private chat.

_“Why? What restricts you from doing things you love?”._

She turned off the light and lay on her bed.

_“I’m physically disabled._

_For now._

_And I don’t know for how much longer”._

Both of Seulgi’s thumbs were tapping on her keyboard fast.

_“And what is exactly the thing that you love, if I may ask?”._

User 1rhapsody4 replied a minute after.

_“Dancing”._

_~***~_

_To Be Continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

Jongin’s mind had repeatedly command himself to stop all the tears, but it was useless. His hands consecutively wiped his cheeks while still gripping on his car’s steering wheel. He hated everything. He hated how fucking exaggerating the mother nature was for the rain pouring down heavily outside his car that night as if trying to mock him to the fullest. He hated how darn easy it was for him to had his heart shattered. He hated how all the happy memories they made now had been converted into nothing but gruesome nightmares.

Sehun’s voice was still clear and sharp to Jongin’s hearing. It was not the entire conversation he had with Jongin, but all of the sentences could be downed into one conclusion. 

_“I’m sorry, Jongin. It is now over between us”._

That tormenting sentence pierced through Jongin’s heart again and again, and there was no enough effort that could make it vanished from his mind. _Stop it, please, make it stop._

It didn’t work. 

Sehun called him around 8 PM, saying that he needed to say something to Jongin. Grabbing his coat, car keys, and phone, Jongin dashed into his car and drove to Sehun’s apartment. He found himself catching his breath. His mind was occupied with the best and worst possible thing Sehun wanted to tell. 

But the conversation between them was fulfilling the worst possible scenario Jongin had made up earlier in his mind.

“Jongin, we have promised to tell everything to each other, right?”. Sehun was sitting on the couch with Jongin beside him.

“What is this about?”, Jongin said, with his heart throbbing loudly below his chest. “You make me frightened, Sehun”.

Sehun let a deep sigh before look at Jongin in his eyes.

“Jongin, let’s break up”.

And the sky crashed down to the top of Jongin’s head right after Sehun said those deadly words.

“B-but why? What happened? What did I do wrong?”, Jongin was stuttering with a trembling voice. 

“It is not you”, Sehun grabbed Jongin’s hand and intertwined his fingers with Jongin’s. “It is me. I don’t feel the spark between us anymore. Believe me, I had been trying to make myself feel the same way as I do when we first met, but I just...can’t...”. 

Jongin always knew that sooner or later, his relationship would end with Sehun as long as they still live in this country, where the freedom of their sexuality wasn’t included as something to celebrate. And to cherish every little thing with Sehun, he always did. 

But he never expected it to happen this fast. They just celebrated their first anniversary last month. 

Jongin kept staring at the man in front of him. He knew too damn well about every line and curve Sehun had on his face. He had also seen and memorized that face in measureless forms. Happy. Angry. Devastated. Hungry. Playful. 

And that night, Jongin deciphered a condensed disenchantment along with sadness on his boyfriend’s face.

“Sehun, I promise, I promise I will do anything to make it up. Whatever you told me to do. But don’t leave me. Please Sehun, I beg you”. Jongin scooted closer to Sehun, his eyes were already blurry from the piled-up tears.

“Jongin, you’ll find someone better than me—“.

“I don’t want someone else! I don’t want them! I just want you!”, he shouted on top of his lungs as it will convince Sehun to do otherwise. The first tear fell from his eyes.

“My decision is final”. Sehun took his hand off from Jongin’s hand, and lift it to the man’s head. He patted Jongin’s straight black hair softly while mumbling ‘sorry’ softly a few times more. 

Jongin, with his face already messed up with unstoppable tears, threw himself into Sehun. He hugged Sehun so tight like it was the last chance. “Sehun, please don’t do this to me. Please...p-please...”. 

“It won’t work for us anymore, Jongin”. 

As it was not dejected enough for Jongin, Sehun pushed him apart to break their hug. 

More shouting and more attempts of insisting their relationship later, Jongin went out from his now ex-boyfriend’s apartment, dropping piece by piece of his heart as he walked. Both of his hands were trembling while carrying a box that Sehun had prepared before. It was filled with things and gifts Jongin gave to him during their relationship. The fact that everything in the box was arranged neatly gave Jongin the idea that Sehun had planned this breakup for a long time, which did not help him at all. 

He ran over all the red light. The road beneath his car’s wheels was slippery from the rain. Jongin had almost lost his control and slipped a few times. But he even stepped on the gas pedal tighter until the numbers on the speedometer shot off sharply. 60, 70, 80, 90....he was not bothering to care about anything other than his broken heart.

And that was his biggest mistake.

The last thing he remembered was a bright, flashing light with long sounds of the horn before another car crashed into his car from his left side. A deafening crashing sounds of metal and glass came in less than one second after. 

When Jongin woke up, repulsive, strong smell of chemicals and all-white walls greeted his senses.

To make it worse, his left leg was hung high up in a plaster cast and thick bandages.

Jongin pushed his lungs and vocal cords to let the loudest scream he ever had in his life. Doctor, nurses, and his parents sprinted into his room while trying all they could to hold Jongin’s limbs into his bed. He vaguely heard the weep of his mom, recurring _calm down_ spoken by doctor and nurses, and the heavy sighs of his dad. Even with the wounds all over his body, the pressurized grip on his arms and shoulders, and his broken left leg—nothing can beat the pain that he felt in his heart.

Jongin’s world had ended since that day.

~***~

Seulgi had been working inside her college’s library since 9 AM this morning. The fact that it was Saturday didn’t affect her and another student who came here. The library was still as full as it was during the weekdays. She was busy connecting ideas she got from journals, scientific articles, and books that could support her argument into a well-built research background. 

But when her stomach grumbled, Seulgi took her fingers off from the keyboard and averted her gaze into the bottom right of her laptop’s screen.

_Shit, it’s 2 PM already?_

She completed the sentence that she previously worked on before pressing on CTRL and S. Even if she still had some ideas that hadn’t been poured into words, Seulgi knew that she wouldn’t reach her highest productivity when she was too hungry. 

To the library cafeteria she was heading after putting her laptop on sleep mode. Seulgi sat on the seat beside the wall after she buys a roll of kimbap, a tuna sandwich, and a bottle of water. 

After taking her phone from her jeans’ pocket, Vault’s notification was the first thing Seulgi tapped on. There were a few messages from the users she messaged last night, including user 1rhapsody4. 

_“I’m so sorry to hear that”,_ Seulgi saw what she typed last night before she drifted off to sleep. _“What kind of things happened with your body, exactly? Is it really hindering your ability to dance?”._

_“I got into car accident two months ago._

_My left leg was fractured badly. Doctors used to consider an option to amputate it. But after another surgery, they decided not to._

_They said even after physiotherapy, my left leg will never be as strong as it used to be. It will always be fragile ever since. I can’t even walk without using my crutch for now._

_So, yeah. I’m doomed”._

“That was awful”, Seulgi mumbled to herself. It was so disheartening to hear—let alone to experience it directly. Not only have to gone through the painful physical condition, but to know that you never can do the things you love the most anymore is tremendous torture to one’s mind. 

_“You must have felt so sorrowful that you consider being dead over alive”._ Seulgi typed a reply with her left hand, while her right hand was taking another piece of kimbap to her mouth. _“But do you know what is the most crucial thing that will speed up your recovery?”._

_“What’s that?”._

_“A strong will to recover”._

~***~

The kind of optimism user 100dollar throws at Jongin, in contrary, stirred an uncomfortable rage beneath his chest. It was the type of optimism he always sees coming from these so-called-motivators who only know yelling as a method to speak. It was so fucking sucks. And impractical.

_“Ha, ha. Funny. You got a great sense of humor there”._

_“Notice that I said ‘strong will’, not ‘strong hope’._

_Hope is empty, hollow, and foolish. Like a bedtime story for kids. Yet, strong will is empowering. It will spur you to go beyond your limit._

_Think about the things you can do when you recover. And think about the things you can’t do if you don’t._

_Are you willing to let go of dancing forever because you don’t want to build a strong will?_

_Remember that remorse will last for decades, and even for a lifetime”._

What user 100dollar just said has him taken aback. 

How does this person know what he wanted to hear all along? 

Jongin needed people to be harsh on him, yet everyone treated him like a mushy 5-year-old kid who just lost in a competition. It wasn’t like Jongin didn’t need any moral support, but people had been too soft and delicate. Life does not and will never work in a way that pleases everyone. And for the moment, the universe chose not to side with Jongin.

_“I hope you find 100 dollars on the ground when you go outside later”._

_“Which part of my words makes you wished for that?”._

_“The way that you’ve been telling me the harsh truth I always need to hear”._

~***~

Mr. Seo received Seulgi’s research draft this Friday with an ambiguous facial expression. His forehead was wrinkled as his eyes rapidly skimmed through the paper from left to right. He even squinted his eyes in some parts. Seulgi stood in front of him, squeezed her fingers altogether behind her back. _Please say something, please say some_ —

“Seulgi?”.

“Yes, Mr. Seo?”.

He flipped the bundle he was holding to Seulgi and pointed out a sentence. “You had a typo here”.

Seulgi slowly released the breath she had been unconsciously holding. “I—I’m sorry, I must have missed that”.

Mr. Seo nodded his head before continue reading the text. He then handed it back to Seulgi.

“How long did it take for you to write this?”.

“One day”.

“Impressive”, he said. “I didn’t find any major error in your writing. I advise you to add more depth in your findings later by actually using the app. It will help you to explore your topic. Communication pattern. You’ll find what factors or characteristics that influence how users communicate with each other”.

“I’ve used it for a whole week, Mr. Seo”, Seulgi replied. “And I’ll continue to use it until I’m done with the research”.

“Good then. I have nothing more to criticize. Make sure you had been perfecting your draft for the mid-term exam”.

On the other hand, other than research purposes, Seulgi had been a little bit too comfortable having fun with this app. Or precisely, with user 1rhapsody4. There wasn’t a single day that had passed for both of them without reciprocally conversing for the whole week. It could be anything. One day 1rhapsody4 told Seulgi their go-to iced coffee recipe out of the blue. And Seulgi randomly spitted out color wheels theory to 1rhapsody4 when she was sketching on her notebook. 

It felt like user 1rhapsody4 was her long-lost friend that live separately from Seulgi for five years, and then came back to reconcile with her after that. There was no awkwardness or whatnots—just unfiltered conversation.

That night’s conversation between them was sparked by a question 1rhapsody4 delivered that was, entirely unrelated to their prior discussion.

_“Did you support LGBT people?”._

“What?”. Seulgi accidentally spoke it, loud enough for Seungwan and Joohyun to turn their heads into Seulgi.

“What, Seulgi?”. Seungwan still lay on Joohyun’s couch, both of her legs were on top of Joohyun’s lap. 

As she realized what she did, Seulgi shook her head. “N-n-no...I...it’s...I just received a text”.

Joohyun switched her gaze again to the movie they were watching. “Vault again?”.

“Yeah”, both of Seulgi’s hands were still holding her phone. She stared at the TV screen, her mind was thinking of a reply.

“She’s been enjoying it a lot”, Seungwan said. “Glad that now there is only one person between us who is not fond of doing Digital and New Media class project”.

“Who says I don’t? Mine is far way easier than yours”.

“You’re just denial, Joohyun”.

“Yeah yeah, if the shoe fits, then go with it”.

The three of them were having a sleepover in Joohyun’s flat. Seulgi was usually hectic with her journalism club and her writing work, and now they finally got aligned free time on the weekend. They ordered too many junk foods, had a long debate over which movie to watch, and quarreled over which part of the bed they want to claim—but they know this was the kind of quality time that they wished for. 

_“Yes, I do. I believe that love should be experienced freely by individuals”,_ Seulgi ran her fingers through her phone screen. _“Why?”._

_“Do you want to hear my story?”._

_“As if I ever reject your demand._

_Go on, 1rhapsody4. I’ll listen._

_Or read...I suppose”._

~***~

Jongin didn’t realize someone has come into his room until he saw his dad and mom sitting on the side of his bed. He had been gawking at the wall for hours, sitting on his bed while leaning his upper body on the headboard. There was nothing much to do except thinking, thinking, and thinking until his thoughts eat him bit by bit. He even left his lunch untouched on the nightstand beside his bed for having zero appetites. 

“Jongin”, his dad opened their first conversation that day. “We need to talk to you about something”.

He moved his head limply to the side to look at him.

His dad then slid a piece of photo beside Jongin’s thigh. 

“This is one of the things left from the scene. I want you to give us an explanation”.

It was a polaroid photo of him and Sehun. The upper part was slightly torn, and there was a burnt trail on the right side, but it still can clearly disclose both of their faces. 

Sehun was embracing Jongin’s body from the side while kissing on Jongin’s right cheek. Both of them were smiling happily to the camera.

Jongin clenched his fist tightly. His nails were digging into his palms’ skin as the memories of him and Sehun abruptly jostled into his mind. 

But that wasn’t the thing he should address first. Jongin returned the look his parents gave to him, inhaling a deep breath and prepare for the worst. They already know, there was no use to hide, and there was no turning back for him either.

“Mom, dad. I’m bisexual”.

Silence.

Silence.

And still silence.

No one dared to talk for the first minute after Jongin uttered his secret.

But his dad’s first response to Jongin’s come out was,

“Why?”.

While his mom was squeezing the fabric of her pants uneasily over and over again.

“I just did”.

“What does that mean? What kind of false upbringing we did that makes you go that way?”.

“Nothing is wrong”, Jongin replied. “I just can’t choose the person I’m falling in love with”.

“Why can’t you just pick a side?!”. Jongin’s dad palmed his own face and let out a deep sigh. “It is very disappointing that the child we raised all these years properly ended up being abnormal”.

“I’m still normal, Dad! Who I love won’t affect who I am as a person!”. Jongin couldn’t comprehend that his Dad didn’t even talk about his car that was severely damaged to the point that it had to be scrapped—yet, scolding him for loving another human being. Was it easier to accept that your son broke a car worth one month of your income rather than to accept he was in love with other boy? Oh, right. He could easily earn the same amount of money in a short time.

“Normal? How is attracted to person of the same gender of you considered as normal? It will affect you, Jongin! It will affect how people perceive you and your entire life! Which part of it that you don’t understand?!”.

“Honey, don’t...”. His mom held his dad’s arms. “Jongin had been through a hard time”.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll deal with it alone. Just like the way you don’t even ask me about what happened before the accident!”.

“Is he the reason why you got into an accident?!”.

What his dad said just now awaken the rage that had been buried by grief inside his mind. 

“Yes, he broke up with me before the accident and I drove recklessly after that. You know how it feels? To be heartbroken?! DO YOU KNOW?!”, Jongin raised his voice a lot higher and louder. His heart was racing so quick that he can hear the beats exploded in his head. “Do you think my leg is the only thing that hurts? No! My heart has been wrenched in agony ever since! Now if you’re done with scolding me please leave me alone rather than lecturing me with your useless fuckery!”.

“KIM JONGIN!”. His dad stood up with widened eyes and clenched jaw. Never once in his life, he heard his son talking back this harsh to him. 

“Stop it, honey. Just do as he wished”, his mom dragged Jongin’s dad outside from his room. After talking with her husband for a while, she returned to Jongin’s room with a little smile on her face.

“Jongin...”. She tenderly caressed her son’s head, running her fingers through Jongin’s soft strands. “I’m sorry about what your dad said earlier. He needs time to accept it”.

“But do you accept me, Mom?”.

She nodded and kissed Jongin’s forehead. “You’ll always be the Kim Jongin I know. The Kim Jongin I gave birth to. Nothing will ever change it”.

Jongin bit his inner cheek as an effort to hold back his tears when his mom pulled him into a warm hug. 

“You’ll find someone better soon, Jongin. Maybe a boy. Or a girl. It doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy with them”.

~***~

_“There was no single meaningful conversation I had with my dad since I came out._

_I don’t know what I should do to fix it. I believe the wrong one isn’t me. It’s my dad”._

Seulgi stared at her phone screen absentmindedly right after 1rhapsody4 stopped sending messages. She remembered seeing a peculiar status that 1rhapsody4 made before. Why peculiar? It was only two words, but it got a lot of comments with pride flag emoji in it.

The sentence looked suspicious. _Isn’t that a song by The Neighbourhood?_ she thought. But when Seulgi clicked on the comment section, she found a thing that was completely unmatched with her presumption.

_“Omg, do you listen to sweater weather too? Same!”._

_“I listen to girl in red, but hey there”._

_“Finally!! Hi sweater weather pals!”._

She looked up at the search engine for that term, to find that it was a slang for _bisexual._

So 1rhapsody4 had been hinting about it for a while, but due to Seulgi’s unawareness about LGBT community related slang, she brushed it off. 

_“I had to put on a disclaimer that I’m straight and I won’t precisely know how you feel, so please tell me if I say something improper to you._

_It was very unfortunate. I mean...the way your dad turns from a supportive figure into the opposite in a flip of hand just because of the person you love._

_So...do you want me just to listen or to give you advice?”._

_“I know. I used to live in the US for a few years, and even if I still live there, I planned to hide this from my parents until the day I die. It’s a very risky move even in such a free country. But my plan was seized already._

_I installed Vault just to rant, rather than going to the therapist. Lol”._

_“You used to live in the US? Omg, cool! Then how long have you lived in Korea?_

_Hey, going to a therapist isn’t a bad idea after all. I’m just a stranger with no medical or psychological background. How if I accidentally give you the wrong advice?”._

_“Yeah, San Francisco, to be exact. I was born and lived there for 8 years. My parents and grandparents were immigrants back then. Seeking for better life, you know the drill._

_I swear, going to a physiotherapist is already one hell of a ride. Enough. I can’t stand seeing those fucking white walls over and over again. No therapist for me”._

_“Ah, I see, then._

_Fine, you do you. And stop swearing!!!_

_Are you feeling better after telling this to me?”._

_“Absolute-fucking-ly. I never told this problem to anyone. You’re the first to know”._

_“Why? Don’t you have a best friend or someone you can trust?”._

_“I have some close friends who I came out to, but that’s all I can tell to them._

_You give me a sense of security. Because you don’t know who I am in real life”._

**_Because you don’t know who I am in real life._ **

This noteworthy sentence surely would make its way into Seulgi’s research later.

Seulgi jumped from the couch and walked to Joohyun’s bed. Out of her bag, she took out her notebook and pen. When she came back to the couch, Joohyun and Seungwan stared at her with their foreheads furrowed. 

“Are you kidding me? Are you going to study again?”, Seungwan stated in disbelief. 

“No! An idea came up and I had to write it down!”.

“In the middle of Ocean 8 movie? What are you gonna write, a heist plan?”, Joohyun shortly added after Seulgi sits down on the couch again with a notebook on her lap.

“So close to that”. Her pen swung swiftly from side to side while she chuckles. Both of her best friends were trained to discern Seulgi’s habit—but god damn, why is this girl always so full with ideas? What kind of machine operated her brain all this time?

_“Have you ever made friends with people you know online before?_

_I like talking to you. We could try to reveal ourselves later if you want to”,_ Seulgi sent a text to 1rhapsody4 a couple hours later. She was lying on the main bed with Joohyun, while Seungwan agreed to sleep on the spare bed. 

_“I did. Let’s just see first whether if you’re worth meeting or not, 100dollar”._

Joohyun snuggled closer to Seulgi and pinched her waist. “Sleep, sleep, sleep”, she says with eyes closed. “It’s 3 AM, girl. Stop doing your research”.

Seulgi flicked Joohyun’s forehead playfully. “Just one more text. You go sleep first”. Meanwhile, Seungwan was already playing in her dreamland with a soft snore escaped her lips. 

_“Okay. 1rhapsody4, do you like to play a game? Cause I got one exciting game for both of us to play”._

_“Huh? What is that?”._

_“An advanced hide and seek”._

_~***~_

_To Be Continued..._


	3. 03. Handing Our Stuff

Seoullo 7017.

Built in 1970 as a highway, it transformed into a beautiful elevated walkway right in the core of Seoul. The pedestrians who choose to walk through will ineluctably be pleased by the freshness this place offers. Along the approximately one-kilometer span, there are numerous greeneries locked in round concretes, with plenty of eateries, souvenir stalls, exhibition halls, and information centers. The resplendent of bustling metropolitan city will still be visible wherever we throw our eyes to—but from the 17 meters above the main road, it is perfect for anyone who just wished for a peaceful stroll.

Seulgi took a subway from her campus to Seoullo 7017 after she finished her first class today. This place was counted as a typical tourist attraction—and no wonder she spotted some foreigners roaming around. She approached one of the rounds concretes, which contains magnolia flowers in it. 

Seulgi already prepared an envelope inside her postman bag. She lay the envelope within the bush of white magnolias that exuded sweet, yet fresh and creamy scent. With her phone, she took a picture and makes sure that her body’s silhouette is not captured. 

_“As we’ve agreed before, we have 6 hours maximal to take the belongings that one of us put in the designated place. If it exceeds, then we will start over a new game. It is 11:16 AM, and you’ll have time until 5:16 PM to pick it up._

_I placed this in the third magnolia bush you will see when you stepped from the entrance. Be careful, and don’t force yourself if you can’t._

_Good luck!”._

This game she decided to play with a stranger from an app that was supposed to be used for her research purposes only, get her thrilled. It was the kind of anxiety that will give her enough energy to walk around her neighborhood a couple of times—not the one who will paralyze her down to her bed while staring at the ceiling in silence. On the way to her second class today, Seulgi even put her phone on silent mode without vibration to prevent her from checking it every 10 seconds.

Meanwhile, on the other side, Jongin set himself earlier this noon. His class started at 2 PM, and he usually leaves for college at around 1.15 PM. It took him almost half an hour to reach his campus building because he will pass many main roads, which were usually crammed with traffic. But today, when the clock turns 12, he was doing the final touch to the attire by swaying an oversized navy blazer atop of his ivory shirt. Besides asking Mr. Lee to take him to Seoulleo 7017, he also texted Chanyeol to meet him there—which Chanyeol found strange, but Jongin brushed it off anyway. 

Chanyeol had already waited for him when Jongin arrived. Both of them were then walking side to side amid the local people and the tourists.

“You choose to go to this touristy place after you live in Seoul for 13 years. It would be counted as remarkably odd if I told you I’m not suspicious”.

“If I tell you why, will you assure me not to laugh at it?”.

“No. But go on, I’ll listen”.

Jongin sighed. “Do you know Vault? The app? It was a buzz on Twitter a while ago”.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes upward and humming. The name was familiar, but he did not remember.

“I’m not quite sure, though. What’s the matter with this app?”.

Jongin explained shortly about the app and its anonymous nature between users and then proceeded to tell about his game with user 100dollar. 

“100dollar is the one that I found most interesting among the people I talk to in that app”, Jongin pushed his crutch stronger to the ground when he was walking through the short stairs. Chanyeol then gripped on Jongin’s arm to ensure he was walking carefully.

“Huh? Why?”.

“I don’t know, but it’s just...have you ever met a person, and as soon as you’re both talking, you know that you’ll click with them? Like a lock and key. They are good listeners and knowledgeable. Whatever topic we bring to the table will turn into a great conversation”.

“That’s a scarce chance, though. You know that most people are not good at maintaining conversation or listening”.

“I know. I even came out to them—”, Jongin almost continued his words with his and his dad's story, but he quickly pressed his tongue back.

“You did?”, Chanyeol turned his head to Jongin. “How did they respond?”.

“Quite good. They support people like me”.

“It’s a jackpot then!”, Chanyeol shrieked. “Are you going to meet this person someday? Who knows, both of you can be a good friend”.

“I still want to keep things in place for a moment. Maybe later. When I’m ready”.

Jongin counted the round concrete with magnolia flowers he had passed, and he arrived at the third one. Just like what 100dollar commanded him to do. He encountered a precise envelope like he saw earlier in his chatroom and leaned his body to reach it. 

“Come on, let’s go”, Jongin said as he puts the envelope inside his jacket pocket.

“Are you not going to open it in front of me?”.

“No. It’s confidential”.

On the way back to where Mr. Lee parks his car, they bought two cups of iced coffee. Jongin hadn’t had his lunch yet, but he decided to ignore it. He was not hungry anyway. His appetite had drastically lessened since the accident, and he had run out ideas to resuscitate his will to eat. 

~***~

There were five photos with his palm's size when Jongin opened the envelope user 100dollar gave him. All of it showed stunning natural scenery. From the Sakura tree captured in one of the pics, Jongin presumed that it was taken in Japan. And his assumption was getting stronger when he saw Mount Fuji in another one. 

User 100dollar’s handwriting resided on the back of the photos. It was not the neatest he had ever seen, but still readable.

_“It was my first trip to Japan a few years back as a reward from my parents because I just got accepted in college._

_Tell me the most random thing about you”._

Jongin was smiling ear to ear while texting user 100dollar right after he grabbed his phone from his desk.

_“The pictures turn out great, I must admit. Picturesque! I’ve been to Japan too, a couple of times. Enough to roughly pinpoint where you took that picture of Mount Fuji._

_I used to be bullied when I was young because I mastered ballet. They told me I was an effeminate boy. Sissy. Boys shouldn’t do girly things, they said. So fucking annoying._

_But jokes on them, I’ve won a lot more dance competition than their entire achievement because of my ballet skill”._

_“Woah, lucky you. I have only been to Japan once, and I will never get enough of it._

_Crazy how humans with even such a young age had been taught the concept of segregating gender roles into that far._

_But you’re impressive. You should have insanely good balance and strength after years of training”._

_“I could say I’m more flexible than most people when it comes to bending my joints and bones._

_The flip side is...I haven’t practice for two months. My body is itching from the shortage of exercise. Not surprised if next year I can barely lift my legs due to deteriorating muscle”._

_“How’s your physiotherapy gone so far? You should train yourself harder to catch up with the gap!_

_Besides, it’s not that you are unable to dance anymore, right? You just have to be extra careful with your legs._

_How long does it require for you to walk with your crutch?”._

_“Their prediction was 3 months. Now it’s been 2 months. But since I was unmotivated as fuck, I might not throw this crutch away for another 3 months._

_But I’m trying to apply what you said priorly about ‘strong will’ this Friday”._

Seulgi smiled at the text she just received from 1rhapsody4. Her bed has turned into an ocean of books and papers as Seulgi was still busy doing his college task, but she gradually dropped her back and lay on her cluttered bed nevertheless. 

The fact that her words had a positive impact on someone struck her in awe. And the more staggering complexity that Seulgi discovers was: both of them were strangers and friends at the same time.

Yeah, Seulgi knew that user 1rhapsody4 likes his coffee sweet. He likes dancing. He is bisexual. He has been to Japan a couple of times. 1rhapsody4 favorite place in his home is the balcony on the second floor connected to his room. And unfortunately, he had to move to the first floor for convenience, so he had only visited the balcony twice during his recovery time. 

But did she know how he looks like? Did she know his actual name? His occupation? Age? The only part of 1rhapsody4 identity she knew is his gender—and it was with an assumption that 1rhapsody4 never told any lies to her. But what if he was lying all the time? What if 1rhapsody4 was a 40 years old woman with 2 kids who masked herself as a young-adult boy?

_Stop thinking unnecessary things, Kang Seulgi._

Both of Seulgi’s thumbs were performing a little dance on top of her keyboard. She was consumed on her thoughts temporarily that she forgot she had left 1rhapsody4’s messages on read for 15 minutes. Just as Seulgi was about to compose a reply, her phone chimed again. 

_“100dollar. It is my turn to drop my thing for you to pick it up._

_Is Wednesday okay for you?”._

This recognizable thrilling sensation was filling Seulgi’s veins once more.

_“Absolutely okay for me. I have free time from 10 AM to 12 PM, then 5 PM onward”._

5 minutes gap before 1rhapsody4 replied to her again.

_“When was the last time you get an eyeful of the stars?”._

_“Been too long to make me unable to recall”._

_“Then Jeongdong observatory will be our next stop._

_6PM and 6 hours forth._

_Deal?”._

_“Deal”._

_~***~_

Wednesday. 7.15 PM.

According to the photo 1rhapsody4 sent her this afternoon, Seulgi took an envelope from behind the 5th painting on her right side in the indoor area. She had to tiptoe to reach it, and by this small clue, she started to question user 1rhapsody4’s figure. Was he really that tall? There were another two envelopes inside the envelope. Each of them was marked 1 and 2 with a black marker, and Seulgi opened the one labeled with 1.

_“First thing you should do after you open this envelope is to NOT open the second one, alright? I trust you. Then walk to the observatory deck. Stop reading this letter and come back when you arrived”._

The command was what Seulgi complied with, propelling her legs to swing quickly step by step. Her skin was forthwith nipped by the cold breeze when she showed up at the deck. She then continued to read the letter from 1rhapsody4.

_“Okay, now that you’ve arrived at the destination, open the second envelope. Stop reading here”._

Seulgi took out the second envelope and pulled the stuff inside into her palm. There was a bright orange paper wristband with bright green block letters written on it, a small piece of plain white carton, and a photo of the night sky. Her brows knitted along with puzzled look arose upon her face. She pulled the carton closer to her eyes, but instead of her vision, her smelling sense was the one that gets the clue. The carton smelled good. Like the compound of wood and jasmine with a touch of elegancy in it. 

_“I miss going to the gigs. I obtained the wristband from the last gig I went to before the accident. How about you, 100dollar? Do you go to gigs often? What kind of music genre suits you well?_

_And for the carton—it is my daily perfume that became my ex-boyfriend’s go-to-fragrance too. I influenced him to use that perfume. Hahaha. I don’t know if he still uses it or not. In case if you’re eager to know, it is Maison Francis Kurkdjian Baccarat Rouge 540. Women are usually the ones who use this, but some men do too”._

“Damn”, Seulgi let a cuss immediately. “He must be rich-rich”. She then dragged the carton to the front of her nose once again, closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply.Now that she already knew how good this perfume smells, she added this to her _list of things I have to buy when I become financially stable._

_“I took the photo from the balcony of my house. My phone said it was on July 17th last year. One of the midsummer nights. Now look up and see. You will not know if the constellation that I saw that night is the same as you currently see—but at least, the sky didn’t change at all”._

User 1rhapsody4 had made a successful effort to halt Seulgi’s eyes into the swarthy sky spattered with zillions of small bright dots. The stars. She was always too busy averting her head into the artificial luminescence the sky-scraper buildings emitted all this time rather than the natural one above her head. 

_“100dollar, I hate to say this darn cheesy line that makes me want to puke, but we have been looking at the same sky all this time._

_And so does the other 7 billion humans on this planet. And everyone in the entire human history. But I’m more than sure that all of us won’t think about the strictly same thing when we do so._

_What fills your mind when you looked at the sky tonight?”._

A strange palpitation filled Seulgi’s chest when she read 1rhapsody4’s words over and over again. His utterances were so comforting that paradoxically, it made Seulgi felt even more uneasy. The way 1rhapsody4 trusted her, opened up about his life story, and shared his personal things...Seulgi knew that she was the one who started this game, but now it’s herself that suffused with bewilderedness. Why? What is this feeling? A stranger from the internet wasn’t supposed to make her sparked those questions.

But when Seulgi opened Vault, she impulsively let her fingers typed a reply to 1rhapsody4 without thinking twice.

_“You._

_I’m thinking of you when I looked at the sky tonight”._

~***~

Jongin stared at his phone notification bar for a couple minutes. He didn’t want to open it yet because he is obliged to reply immediately, meanwhile his thoughts were still unorganized by his false expectation.

He didn’t expect user 100dollar will reply in this way. _Me? Why are they thinking of me? Is it normal for people to think of a stranger from the internet when they look up to the sky?_

Because for Jongin, whenever he averted his glance into the night sky brimming with stars, he would recall things, events, people, or place that bring him a sense of gratefulness. The one that will shower his heart with warmth, and sometimes, is bittersweet. He remembered that one time when he was free to access the balcony whenever he wanted, all he could think about while stargazing is _Sehun._ Or to move backward before he was in relationship with Sehun, his mind was filled with a random memory when he played games with Chanyeol the whole night and passed out in the next morning from drinking too much.

_Did 100dollar think about things that made them happy when they see the sky tonight or their mind was just randomly shuffling through their memory?_

_Ah, fuck it._ He would not know the answer unless he asked directly, and that was what he did after that.

_“Why? What kind of feelings or ideas do you have about me?”._

_“I can’t even figure it out._

_Don’t get me wrong—you didn’t irk me in any way. It’s just...I’m happy to know you, but in the way that makes me stuffed with anxiousness”._

100dollar’s sentences rang a bell in his mind. He was not utterly sure about it, but asking a question was better than just making up speculations in his mind.

_“100dollar, do you like me?”._

~***~


	4. Twist and Turn

_Do I like him?_

Seulgi had responded to 1rhapsody4's question right after asking it to her with the infamous neutral, diplomatic answer that will be hard to twist and interpret into different meanings.

_I don't know._

They moved on onto another topic after Seulgi responded in that way. Because of the gig wristband that Seulgi received from 1rhapsody4 that night, she then stirred their conversation into music and songs. Both of them were quite similar in terms of music taste. They lean into alt-pop and alt-rock, but Seulgi prefers a more calming genre like chillwave, and 1rhapsody4 prefers something upbeat like pop-punk or pop-rock. Seulgi added more songs into her playlist after exchanging songs recommendation from 1rhapsody4.

Did Seulgi just brush the question off from her thoughts? She tried and failed. This semester's 7th meeting has come, which means the mid-term exam will be started next week. Seulgi repressed the bothering question and focused on her study instead, but it kept looming into her conscious mind during the most random moment. Like when she was changing her bedsheet. Or when she was printing materials she needed for studying. Or when she was tying her shoelaces.

And that was when Seulgi realized.

She wouldn't even be baffled with this thought if the answer to 1rhapsody4's question in the first place was no. With an absolute. And crystal clear.

_Shit. I have a crush on 1rhapsody4._

But the next question was: why? Why was she attracted to someone she never even saw before? It transcended the conventional stage of having a romantic crush towards someone. Even in this modern-day, when dating apps had their own spotlight—at least you had a face to see first. And all Seulgi had was a faceless, nameless (alias name does not count) character that conversed with her every day. She couldn't even prove whether 1rhapsody4 was actually a boy at her age or not. _Everybody can be anybody on the internet._

Was her love life too dry to the point that her feelings could be easily swayed?

And the other question was: what? What was something from 1rhapsody4 that Seulgi likes? Did she assume that all of the traits 1rhapsody had shown to her until now is real and not just another staged personality designed to attract people's sympathy? It wasn't like Seulgi didn't trust him at all—but in the era where people have more access to gain and made false information, being skeptical is a must.

But when she touched the things she collected from 1rhapsody4 that she put in a designated box, he felt so real. Yet so artificial. He felt so close. Yet so far.

Seulgi lay on her bed that night after closing her day by saying goodnight to 1rhapsody4. She put her earphones on and opened her music player app. She even made a playlist contains songs recommendation from 1rhapsody4.

_Am I really going insane?_

Seulgi clicked on the song Imagination by Foster The People. As the intro seeped through her ears, Seulgi looked at her ceiling and smiles. She was listening to the song he liked to listen too.

_I see us dancing by ourselves_

_We do it better with no one around, yeah_

_Just you in my imagination, yeah_

_In my imagination..._

_~***~_

Friday means physiotherapy, and Jongin found it strange that he expected this day to come instead of trying not to burst in anger on Thursday night.

He had been looking at the photos and videos that he gathered through his journey in dancing, and Jongin couldn't deny how he is dying to move his body freely again. He missed the feeling of blending his movement along with the rhythm from music. Swaying his limbs and his legs, splitting the air through his swift motion. 100dollar's words better worked on him. He wanted to prove 100dollar's words right, so at least he could hold on into something better.

That was what Jongin need. Not necessarily someone to fix his traumatized mental, but someone who will stick with him through his most challenging time by continually saying the right thing.

And Jongin preferred it to be presented as a cold, harsh truth rather than soft, sweetened proverbs.

Jongin looked at his reflection in the body-sized mirror in his room, figuring out any physical change besides his left leg. Since the accident, he hadn't scrutinized himself as he only looks at the mirror only when he put on his clothes and shave his moustache. The first thing that will catch his attention was the plaster cast wrapped below his knee to his ankle. And he hated to see it.

But now that he paid more attention, he noticed that his black, straight hair had grown longer until it covered the top of his ears. The dark circle below his eyes had turned darker as the result of his sleepless night. He also recognized how the skin from his arms had been drier. When he lifted his shirt up, the trace of his ribcage was showing more evidently from below his skin. That view had him startled. _Had I been living in this state for too long?_

He then weighed himself on the scale next to the refrigerator. _61 kilograms._ That's why. Jongin usually weighs 67 to 68 kilograms during his typical days, and even his mom already complained that he is too thin for his 182 centimeters height. If his mom found out that he already dropped six kilograms in two months, Jongin knew she will start continually nagging at him to eat more.

Rather than filling his mind with complaints and rage, during his physiotherapy routine this Friday, Jongin forced himself harder to recall the early days of his life when he first became interested in dancing.

The first eight years of his life was spent abroad in San Francisco, where both of his parents met as the second generation Korean immigrant in the US. His dad had to attend an event outside the city they live in, and he asked Jongin and Jongin's mom to tag along with him. It was one of the weekends during summer, and Jongin was just about to start his elementary school year. One event that was obligatory to attend is watching traditional performances from various cultures around the world in a cultural preservation building, as the main event's opening. It included dancing. Jongin wasn't the calmest one during his childhood days. He always roams around as if his body is implanted with a relentless machine. But that day, Jongin successfully stayed still on his seat during the whole dance performance. Specifically, the East Asian region traditional dance where he finally spotted someone looked similar to him physically, after surrounded by people from different races almost every day. He couldn't even blink his eyes due to his fear of missing a second. His mom let a relieved sigh that day for not having to yell and pull her son's body every 5 seconds. And later, when they went home, Jongin told their parents: _I want to dance._

With the wealth his parents have, it was easier than a flick of a hand to enroll Jongin into the best dancing course in their town. Even they moved back to Korea two years later and established a new life, Jongin still nagged at his parents to continue his dancing courses. Hundreds of medallions and certificates later, Jongin was known as the dance prodigy among his family, friends, classmates, and his ten thousand Instagram followers.

Was it easy to imagine good things while your body was working past its threshold to lift your muscle? No. It was not easy at all. The tremendous pain did not come from his left leg only, but also his right leg, arms, and shoulders to support his whole body movement. _Not now, Jongin. Just ten more steps, that means you're taking two steps, but five times_. _Come on!_ He bit his lower lip while the physiotherapist was still gripping on his arms to help him walk. Sweats were running down his forehead. The soft brown crewneck he wore was sticking to his sweaty back.

"Wow, Jongin. You had improved a lot compared to the last two weeks," Mrs. Shin said after checking the physiotherapist's report. "Next week, you should be able to lift weights, okay?".

"I'm sorry, what?".

"Just kidding", she flashed a playful smile on her face. Jongin let a relieved sigh and laughed along with Mrs. Shin. "I think we can level up the schedule to twice a week. How does it sound to you?".

"That's okay", Jongin blurted out without even thinking first.

They then agreed to do another therapy on Tuesday morning because Jongin had a class in the afternoon and Mrs. Shin was also teaching for college during that time.

On the way home with Mr. Lee, Jongin took out his phone from his pocket and texted 100dollar right away.

_"Hey. I made it today. My doctor said I have good progress. You know what I did earlier? I imagined the first time I'm interested in dancing. Still so fucking difficult to move, but at least my mind was giving my muscle more energy from the happy memories that come from more than a decade ago. I want to go back to dancing as soon as possible._

_Thank you, 100dollar. If it's not because of your words, I would probably stick longer to my false mindset."_

_~***~_

Jongin was about to pull a t-shirt from his wardrobe after he just finished showering, but he'd gone a bit reckless that a stack of other clothes dropped to the floor. He sighed, a curse word escaped his lips. He picked up a handful of his clothes while still holding on his wardrobe's door. Jongin shoved everything to the shelf without folding it first.

And that's when his vision caught a t-shirt he almost forgot existed.

He brought it closer to his face. It was just a regular black t-shirt with a colorful pattern, from the perspective of other people.

But Jongin gulped deeply, his throat was stuffed with an invisible lump.

It was the t-shirt Sehun gave to him. How could he forget about this one thing? After he broke up with Sehun, he collected all the things Sehun gave to him. Some of the things were still useful, and he sent it to charity. And some of them were not, so he asked his Mom to throw it away. _Are you sure?_ his Mom asked. _Yeah, I gotta move on like you said before, right?_

Jongin thought he already healed, and now he felt like a fool for being so sensitive over a little thing related to Sehun. He never spoke to Sehun after that, and he didn't even tell Sehun about his accident. He just assumed that Sehun will know about it from their circle of friends soon.

And it was true. Sehun contacted Jongin first after hearing the news of Jongin's accident, but it only went for a couple of small talk texts. _How are you doing now? I hope you healed quickly_. Then Jongin decided to leave Sehun's last chat on read.

It's just like a year of their togetherness vanished into thin air as soon as they broke up. Jongin always prevented himself from looking up anything about Sehun—stalking his social media, reading their old chats, or looking through their photos and videos. As he should, he grew distant from him, and he already gets used to not having Sehun in his life.

The next thing Jongin did was throwing the t-shirt to the trash can.

Jongin was too damn tired of correctly processing emotions that are Sehun-related and chooses to sweep everything under the carpet instead.

But when he lay on his bed and read chats from 100dollar, Jongin felt an instant urge to vent everything in his chest to them.

_"So glad to hear that! I'm happy for you!_

_Now keep trying, okay? It's okay to give yourself a break sometimes, but remember to focus on your destination."_

He smiled widely, imagining a stranger within the 15 km radius of his house being all supportive to him.

_"100dollar, can I tell you something?"_

Seulgi was taking a break from her mid-term study session by eating instant ramen, and when her phone chimed, she grabbed it in light speed _. 1rhapsody4!_

_"Yes, what is this about?"_

Her anxiousness rose up through the roof whenever someone said, _can I tell you something?_ Or _I need to talk to you_. Seulgi mentally prepared herself for the worst.

_"Healing is weird, isn't it?_

_I'm convinced that I already moved on, but today, when I accidentally see the t-shirt my ex gave me, I still feel uncomfortable._

_Do you think I already moved on by that?"_

Seulgi stopped her hand mid-way into her mouth. She already prepared for the worst, why was she still hurt by his words? Was she secretly hoping that 1rhapsody4 will tell something unexpectedly nice to her?

_"And? Do you want to get back together to your ex after you see that t-shirt?_

_It's normal to feel uncomfortable sometimes. But that doesn't mean you haven't moved on. You're just adjusting to a new situation, and it won't be 100 percent smooth."_

When Seulgi re-read her text, she realized that she might sound a bit angry. There was a slight rising tone in her text _. Great job, Kang Seulgi! You don't even have the right to be mad!_

_"No, I didn't._

_But is that the only indicator of moving on? To not want to get back together with them?"_

_"I_ _'m not really experienced in this field, but that should be the biggest step."_

_"Why? Have you dated someone before?"_

_"If a 3 months relationship with my high school friend counts, then I have one."_

_Of course that counts, silly. At least you both agreed to be in a relationship._

Out of nowhere, after he sent the last text to 100dollar, an idea comes up to his mind. A sheepish grin formed upon his face as he typed another text.

_"100dollar, do you want to date me?"_

Seulgi choked on her ramen when she read it.

_What?!_

She continued coughing for the next minute even after she already gulped on a glass of water. Nice. The ramen she ate was spicy, and now her throat burned so bad.

No, the text from 1rhapsody4 didn't make her feel happy at all. Seulgi knew that he was just joking to her, without knowing that the thing he joked was considered a sensitive topic to her. 1rhapsody4 didn't have feelings for her. It will be better for Seulgi to be rejected rather than hearing a fake confession from him.

_"You've crossed the line._

_I am not in a relationship currently, but please don't say things you don't mean. I know it's a joke for you, but not for me."_

Jongin is left dumbfounded by 100dollar's text. It was the first time for him to see 100dollar scolded him like this, and their tone wasn’t saying otherwise. He squeezed his own fingers nervously. Do some people really bothered by this kind of joke? Are they being hyperly sensitive or it was him who was being insensitive?

Jongin wouldn't be mad if someday Chanyeol playfully told him that he wanted to date him because he knew he never had any feeling to Chanyeol, and neither do Chanyeol. Both him and Chanyeol were on the same boat—they were just involved in a platonic friendship.

But let's say that he was in a year before, when he first realized that he likes Sehun. Sehun didn't know about his feelings yet and didn't even show any signs of liking him. Then suddenly, Sehun asked him for a date with a mischievous smile on his face, Jongin will also be offended because _he knew that Sehun didn't mean it at all._

On the other hand, Jongin didn't want to lose 100dollar. So far, they are the person that made Jongin feel at ease and comfortable. The stranger from the internet that he could tell anything about. Obeying his ego's command to confront this thing only will make 100dollar slipped away from his hand quickly.

_"I'm sorry if I offend you in some way, 100dollar. I won't do it again._

_What should I do to make it up?"_

_"I'll text you again later."_

_Sighs._

Jongin did as they wished and closed the Vault app.

He didn't exactly know how to feel after speculating a big probability of 100dollar liking him. Was he happy? Maybe. To be liked by a nice person must feel pleasant to him. Was he afraid? Maybe too. He was scared of losing the person he treasured because he couldn't reciprocate their feelings.

But who knows. Feelings could change in a matter of a second. '

Just like how Sehun fell out love from Jongin and broke up with him three months ago.

~***~

_To Be Continued..._


	5. Coffee Palace

It’s been a week since the last time Seulgi texted 1rhapsody4. And thank God, she found something to shift her focus on other than worrying about a mere stranger on the internet. That was her midterm exam. Seulgi always uses studying as her biggest distractor to almost any inconvenience she experienced. Feeling mad? Study. Heartbroken? Study. Had a beef with friends? Study.

Jongin was quite the contrary. He found himself waiting for 100dollar’s text even in his busiest time. He even checked his phone when it didn’t buzz in case the notification didn’t make it to his phone. But nope, all he had was tons of notifications from many apps but Vault.

And he reached his boiling point after a whole week without 100dollar’s text. He decided to take the first step.

**_100dollar, how are you doing now? I’ve been waiting for your text._ **

**_I apologize for my past actions. I realized that I was insensitive to you._ **

**_I miss you. And I mean it._ **

Seulgi initially read those texts only from her notification bar. She chose to ignore it for the whole day and focus on reading her books and making notes out of it.

But the next day, Seulgi reread the text, bit her lower lip, and sighed. That’s it? It’s that all 1rhapsody4 had to do to take her guard down? By saying _I miss you_ to her?

She scrolled through 1rhapsody4’s post if there was something unusual, and that’s when she found his post from 3 days ago. Seulgi couldn’t help but looked for the lyrics on the search engine, only to digest that the lyrics were a satire to the lyrics.

She hated to feel her blood rushing to her cheeks, making both of them felt warmer. What if it wasn’t directed to her and she was getting her hopes high?

**_Hey, I was busy with my midterm._ **

**_It’s ok. We’re cool now. How are you doing?_ **

She hated to admit it, but she ended up replying anyway.

Jongin grabbed his phone faster than the speed of light after his phone buzzed. His face lit up with a big smile seeing 100dollar’s name on the notification bar.

**_Fighting for your midterm!_ **

**_I’m fine. And I have something for you to pick up. When will you be available?_ **

**_Next Monday is fine._ **

**_Sure. You’ll be excited for this one._ **

~***~

Library. Finally, a place that Seulgi most familiar to.

1rhapsody4 commanded her to find an exact business-related book in the city library because he had put the thing inside it. He even convinced her that no one would take that book anyway. _Why?_ Seulgi asked. _I majored in business management. I know that only Ph.D. scholars will read that boring-ass book, lol,_ 1rhapsody4 responded.

5:23 PM, four hours after 1rhapsody4 sent her the book title, Seulgi was standing on the aisle filled with business, management, and human resource books. She found the book, but it was too tall for her to grasp even after she tiptoed. _Great, you don’t have to flex your height like this, 1rhapsody4._ Seulgi swallowed her pride to poke on a random tall boy with glasses near the aisle, asking him to take the book.

When Seulgi skimmed through the pages quickly, she found a tiny space in the middle of the book. There was a small envelope tucked between page 252 and 253. She opened it, and to her surprise, it was a coffee shop loyalty card and a letter. One side of the card was filled with the coffee shop name—Coffee Palace, their crown logo, address, phone number, and social media. Meanwhile, when she flipped it, 5 columns and 2 rows of squares were in sight, with all of them already stamped. Seulgi knew this place. Joohyun was a coffee addict, and she had already tasted products from almost every coffee shop near their campus. She remembered Joohyun once told her that there was a newly opened coffee shop named Coffee Palace, which they offered a higher price but with paid off excellent taste.

_“100dollar, how was your mid-term going? Must have been a stressful week, right?_

_I have a loyalty card that I just completely filled yesterday. You can exchange this with a free drink. Take this as a reward for your hard work because you deserve it :)”._

1rhapsody4 sounded like he was in a good mood that day. Seulgi smiled, for a moment she couldn’t stop reading the letter over and over again. _Stupid, now you’re just making me like you more._

But someone was coming to the aisle, and Seulgi quickly shut the book and shoved the letter and card into her pants pocket. She also put the book on the collecting table on the front side of the shelf.

~***~

Three days after, Seulgi stood right in front of the Coffee Palace’s gate, after completing her journalism club work. It’s almost 5 PM, and Seulgi didn't have any work left to do, so she wouldn't risk herself to sleep late by ordering coffee. Maybe tea or other flavored beverages will do.

The place was spacious and had a comfortable ambiance with their warm light and beige-themed walls, chairs, and tables. Half of the coffee shop was in an open space with a high canopy that encompassed every inch while the rest was indoors, separated by a glass wall and door. There were a lot of seats, and most of them are filled. Judging from the casual appearance, the laptops and books they brought, Seulgi knew that they were mostly students too, with just a few older adults chilling.

She went to the indoor place to order her drink—a Belgian chocolate latte with additional cookie crumbs. She pulled 1rhapsody4’s loyalty card and her phone to get a stamp and to pay at the same time. She waited in the line for about two to three minutes, got her name called, and picked up her order.

Seulgi walked to the outside while holding her cup, her gaze was thrown into the large crowds of customers. Not many empty seats left. _Should I take this home?_ Seulgi kept looking right to left to look for space she could sit in.

But just when she was about to approach the further side of the outdoor space, someone tall bumped into her front body. The first instinct that moved Seulgi’s muscles was to save herself by pushing this person away, and that required her to drop the cup she held right in front of her stomach to the floor. Coldness from her spilled drink seeped through her cardigan, turtleneck knitwear, midi skirt, underwear, then her skin—and she knew that the man’s clothes were also stained. But this man kept falling into Seulgi and even gripped on her arms. Seulgi had to bend her knees and grabbed his arms to hold him as much as she could.

 _Oh my god, why?!_ _Do you think I can hold you—_

Right when she is about to get angry, she heard the sound of metal clinking on the floor.

A crutch.

_So that’s why._

The person then managed to stand up and pull himself away from her by gripping on both of her arms harshly. Seulgi straightened her legs, took her hands away from him, and stood up into a normal position again. A young woman that sit near them picked up the crutch and gave it to the man in front of Seulgi. He thanked her, then put his crutch back to his arms.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!”, he said while looking at Seulgi’s now stained shirt, both corners of his eyes and lips were dropped. “A-are you okay?”

Seulgi took a step back from him and had to sift through this man. He was about six feet tall, with a fit figure except for his left leg that was hanging a few centimeters above the ground. His hair was darker than the night sky, middle-parted and straight. A pair of neat and thick eyebrows framed his dark brown eyes. He had plump lips, and combined with his tanned skin and defined jawline, he emitted a strong, sultry aura. The denim jacket he was wearing accentuated his broad shoulder even more.

And now Seulgi’s turtleneck and midi skirt, along with this man’s shirt and jeans were absorbing the brown color from her drink.

From this close, she sniffed softly as the smell of this man reminded her of something. A perfume, of course, but not the type of cheap fragrance she will find in the grocery store. It was exquisite and smelled expensive.

“No, i-it’s okay”, Seulgi finally snapped to her senses. She just realized that a lot of people were staring at them. Her cheek felt a lot warmer from the embarrassment. She looked at her turtleneck and wonder—of all the days this week, why did she wear a white turtleneck today?

“Are you...fine? I mean, your crutch...legs...you...you sure you’re okay? Your shirt....is dirty too...”. Now that she was nervous, she started mumbling incoherent sentences.

Jongin squeezed his fingers, muttered almost inaudibly. The girl in front of him had a striking feature. Her eyes were slanted like a crescent moon, tucked in her round face and pushed from below by her chubby cheeks. Not a really common combination he could find.

“I’m alright, don’t worry. Come on, let me treat you a drink to make this up”.

Before Seulgi could say anything, Jongin already walked towards the indoor room. Seulgi covered her front side of the turtleneck with her cardigan when they entered.

“What did you order before?”.

“Belgian chocolate latte with cookie crumbs”.

“I’ll have one Belgian chocolate latte with cookie crumbs and one matcha latte, please. Both in large size”, Jongin said to the cashier. He pulled his wallet from his sling bag, then took his loyalty card with his credit card. _How generous. I didn’t even say to him that I only ordered regular size._

“Your name please, sir?”, said the cashier.

“Kai”. He then turned to look at Seulgi while pointing at the cashier with his chin.

“A...ah, it’s....Seulgi”.

Seulgi stared at the man next to her while they were waiting for their order. He was obviously good looking, and that made Seulgi’s heart beat faster. So...was that her doomed day because a stranger spilled her drink, or was it her lucky day that the stranger was kind and handsome?

Jongin caught Seulgi’s stare, and he turned around to her, smiling at her. She was kind of cute, with the blank expression she had on her face while looking at him.

“Do you go here often?”, Jongin then decided to strike a conversation.

“N-no...this is my first time”.

“Well, it is an unforgettable first time, then”, he chuckled. Seulgi smiled along with him and tucked her hair to the back of her ear.

Their names were being called two minutes later. Jongin picked up Seulgi’s cup first then gave it to her before he picked his own cup.

“Thank you...Kai?”. Seulgi found his name quite unconventional by using only one syllable. It wasn’t a surname either. _Maybe it’s an alias?_ A couple of times Seulgi had faked her name too while ordering her drink.

“Yes, it’s Kai”, he nodded his head.

“Do you need help to walk outside?”.

“No, it’s alright. Are you going to stay here or to bring it home?”.

“I’ll just take it home”.

And they walked outside. Seulgi positioned herself in front of him so she can open the glass door for Jongin.

“Bye-bye, Seulgi”, Jongin smiled once again at her. Seulgi smiled back, then walked away from Jongin.

 _Cute. I should have talked longer with her,_ Jongin thought.

~***~

Seulgi couldn’t suppress her curiosity about Kai’s scent earlier because it was so close to her memory lane—she was a hundred percent sure of it—but she hadn’t found any helping clue about it yet. The only one she knew, based on her intuition, was it’s an expensive fragrance with a sweet smooth smell.

So she took a subway from near Coffee Palace to the shopping mall. She looked at her watch. It wasn’t too late yet, still 5:34 PM. Maybe she could buy a meal for her dinner also. Seulgi didn’t even bother to care about her turtleneck anymore. If people are gonna see it, then they will see it.

Still sipping on her drink, Seulgi walked into the shopping mall and headed to the perfume store on the second floor. The employee that greeted her was a woman in her late 20s, wearing a tight black shirt and knee-length skirt with a red scarf around her neck. She asked Seulgi what kind of product she was looking for, and Seulgi had to make up a fake excuse—she wanted to give her older brother a present. The employee then directed her to the men section.

Seulgi sniffed some of the designer-brand perfume, but none matched her memory.

“Uh...can I get the one that smells sweet, please? My brother usually likes a softer fragrance”, Seulgi asked the employee.

“Sure! Let me give some to you”. The employee then picked some little carton from the small container on one of the shelves. After that, she sprayed various perfumes on the different cartons, then give it to Seulgi.

Seulgi took all the cartons and smelled it one by one. One of it finally clicked with her memories—the one that was so distant, and the most recent one she remembered.

“What perfume is this?”, Seulgi gave that carton to the employee. She sniffed it a bit and looked at the row of perfumes she just sprayed on the shelf.

“Ah! This is an all-time favorite for both male and female, Miss. It is Maison Francis Kurkdjian, Baccarat Rouge 540”, she then showed Seulgi the bottle, a small one with dark red body and ivory white cap.

_Maison Francis Kurkdjian._

_Baccarat Rouge 540._

That name indeed rang a bell inside Seulgi’s head—no, not just a small bell, but a fucking gigantic bell twice her size that resonated more than 150 decibels of sound into her whole system. She stared at the dark red bottle, completely flabbergasted.

“Miss? Are you okay?”.

Seulgi came back from zoning out, then smiled stiffly to the employee. “Y-yeah...I’ll think about it first. Thank you for your help”.

She walked out of the store with heart beating a lot faster inside her chest. Seulgi even leaned to the nearest wall to stand while processing the shocking feeling rattled inside her. Is it her head that spins or the world around her? Seulgi couldn’t figure it out.

First, the scent. Then, a man. Six feet tall. With an injured left leg. And a crutch.

There was only one person in Seulgi’s mind who fits all the clues she had.

_1rhapsody4._

~***~

_To be continued...._


	6. The Story Unfolds

Jongin had just come back from his Tuesday physiotherapy, and in about two hours, he should leave his house again for class. He took his time to eat lunch, something that he usually skipped three months back. His appetite was coming back slowly but surely and it was better than nothing. He needed to eat a lot to regain his weight, and more importantly, to load his body with sufficient nutrients. Jongin figured out one reason why his physiotherapy progress wasn’t moving forward a month ago was that he didn’t eat much, hence, lessening his energy and hindering his ability to move. His mom specially cooked spicy beef stew with mushroom and tofu just like he requested last night. It was so delicious that he finished off everything on his plate in less than 15 minutes.

Taking out his phone from his pocket, Jongin wished to see 100dollar’s name on his notification bar. But it didn’t happen. These past two weeks, 100dollar had been a slow replier. They always admit that they were busy—college tasks, going out with friends, extracurricular—but the pattern was getting unusual. 100dollar usually replied within 12 hours, and Jongin had already gone through two days without any reply.

_“Heeeey 100dollar._

_Are you there?_

_Still busy?_

_Can I talk to you?”._

Now Jongin sounded like a possessive boyfriend and the unsent button was nowhere to be found.

He rubbed his face with his palm before shoving his phone back into his pants pocket.

During his way to college, Jongin stared at the moving trees, buildings, and roads outside the car’s window. He wondered the reason why he kept thinking of 100dollar. Was it solely because he was already getting used to talking to them every day (except for that week) that it became part of his habit? Or was it due to something else? An attachment?

Jongin sighed. Both of the reasons were intertwined with each other. There wouldn’t be a habit if there was no attachment and vice versa. He badly wanted to keep 100dollar in his life. The question then narrowed down into one: should he settle everything and meet 100dollar to maintain their relationship? He was afraid that both of them already had respective expectations about each other that won’t be 100 percent fulfilled and impact their future relationship.

 _When was the last time I felt so confused about someone like this?_ His mind decided to instead come up with a different question in the middle of his overthinking session.

_Was it...Sehun? The last person that made me feel like I’m working on an unsolvable puzzle?_

“Mr. Kim? We’ve arrived”.

Mr. Lee’s voice disrupted him from the collided waves of his thoughts.

“Oh.....”, Jongin pulled his sling bag to his shoulder and reached for his crutch. Mr. Lee opened the door’s car for him before holding on Jongin’s arm. He then stood up at the ground of his faculty’s entrance. It was getting easier each week to step out from the car, thanks to his legs’ improved condition. Mrs. Shin was optimistic that Jongin would be able to ditch his crutch in less than a month.

“Thank you, Mr. Lee”, he said. Mr. Lee drooped his head slightly to Jongin before he drove away from Jongin’s campus building.

A short vibrate from his phone tickled his front thigh when he opened the class door. Jongin quickly sat on the seat right next to the wall—reserved for him because he needed a place to lean his crutch—and took his phone out from his pocket.

_“Hey, 1rhapsody4. Sorry, I’ve been so busy. This week just started, and a pile of work was handed to me._

_Sure, you can talk to me”._

Jongin was about to jump from his seat before his mind restricted him from doing so.

_“I have a good news!”._

_“Really? What is that?”._

_“My doctor said I’ve improved a lot. I won’t need a crutch anymore in a few weeks”._

_“Waaah, congratulations! Good for you. Did you plan to come back to dancing ASAP?”._

_“Absolutely. I can see myself practicing soon._

_By the way, I want to ask you something”._

The door opened by their lecturer and everyone rushed to came back to their seats. Jongin dragged his phone to his desk’s drawer while keeping his face to the front side of the class.

 _“What is that?”_ , Jongin skimmed 100dollar’s text, then pressed his phone keyboard. His eyes were set straight to the whiteboard where his lecturer was writing a new term for their lesson, and his right hand’s fingers were tapping letter by letter quickly in the drawer.

 _“Do you want to meet me and hang out with me?_ ”.

For 15 minutes he was waiting for a reply but his phone didn’t vibrate at all. Maybe 100dollar was in class too. Just like him. Jongin sighed before he put his phone back into his bag.

~***~

Seulgi had opened her blank new document along with her music player for at least, 30 minutes, but she just stared at the white digital canvas without steering her thoughts into her essay. She put the music on shuffle and let her ears did the work while her mind wandered to two weeks ago.

Still very fresh to her memory how Kai gripped both of her arms when his crutch was falling to the ground. By the close physical proximity they had, his scent wafted into her smelling sense. His smile was genuine and lovely, it fits perfectly on his well-sculpted face. Seulgi had restricted herself not to look for any information about Kai with search engine. She was afraid, probably because she wasn’t ready to face another information she didn’t need to know about him.

But now, it was 1rhapsody4 himself that asked her to meet him. Why? Did he know something about me?

Seulgi decided to send a reply back to him after ignoring 1rhapsody4’s text for more than an hour.

_“Why do you want to meet me?”._

She started composing her essay right after she put her phone on airplane mode so she couldn’t be distracted by anything. The deadline was approaching and she hadn’t written any word yet.

It was around her usual dinner time when Seulgi finally submitted her essay to her campus portal. Closing her laptop with a relieved sigh, Seulgi turned off her phone airplane mode and greeted by several notifications. She just put her phone back to her sweatshirt pocket and let it vibrate for a couple times as her stomach already grumbled from the hunger.

Seulgi ordered kimchi fried rice with egg from the restaurant on the lower ground of her flat, and asked the employee to deliver it straight to her room. She then came back to her room and throw herself to sit on the couch. Opening the Vault notification right away, she was greeted with 1rhapsody4’s chats.

_“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I thought we won’t do any harm by levelling our friendship up into a real one._

_You’re nice. I don’t want to miss this chance”._

1rhapsody4’s words were more than just a compliment for Seulgi. It sounds like an appreciation for her personality. Seulgi’s cheeks turned warmer as her smile rose upon her face. She was flattered.

_“Did you think about me that way?_

_Thank you Kai”._

And her face quickly turned bloodless pale after seeing those words on her chat window with 1rhapsody4.

Seulgi widened both of her eyes, her hands were trembling from the accelerated heart beat under her chest. _What the fuck did you just do, Kang Seulgi?_ She quickly closed the app and threw her phone to the floor. Seulgi raised both of her knees to her chest level. Hugging both of her knees with her arms, Seulgi bit her trembling lower lip while still breathing rapidly.

 _Why did I say Kai? Why? Why?! Why did I send that without checking?_ Seulgi closed both of her eyes and whimper in a deep mortification. The only encounter they had was accidental, but it was in the place that both of them has a relation with. So how much the probability that Kai will later realize the one who operated behind user 100dollar was her, Kang Seulgi? Will it turn him away because he was creeped out by her?

Regardless of the answer, Seulgi still didn’t want to pick her phone from the ground.

The sound of her flat’s bell startled Seulgi from her crisis mode. She gulped down, walked to the front door quickly, and took the plastic bag from the restaurant employee in fast motion. She placed it on her dining table while still looking at her phone across the room absentmindedly.

But at least the kimchi fried rice was very delicious. It kept her distracted for a while.

~***~

Jongin leaned his back to the wall next to his bed, leaving his phone untouched for a couple minutes. He didn’t have to utilize a high-tech searching machine to find out who 100dollar was. It was beyond obvious.

100dollar was Seulgi, the girl with round face, chubby cheeks, and slanted eyes that he met accidentally at Coffee Palace a few weeks back.

That day, when he spilled Seulgi’s drink, he used his old nickname to order. Jongin didn’t do it all the time—some days he went with Jongin, and some other he went with Kai. When he was still in SF, his parents gave him a short nickname because a lot of people have misspelled his Korean name. Kai was simple and short, and people never spell it the wrong way. Then he came back to Korea and always introduced himself as Jongin ever since. Not many people around him knew about his old nickname.

What a coincidence. But the thing that left Jongin wondering was: _how did Seulgi know that 1rhapsody4 was him?_

He couldn’t really distinguish whether 100dollar is a male or female just by their typing at first, and now it is confirmed that 100dollar is a female who lived in 15km radius within his place. Did she go to the same college as him? He went to Kyunghee University, and there were a lot of higher education institution around it, so it wasn’t really helping at all.

Jongin knew that Seulgi would be freaked out now, judging by the absence of any chat after the latest one she sent. So at least one of us should be sane enough to address this problem. And if Seulgi can’t, I will.

_“You must be Seulgi, isn’t it?_

_It’s alright, I didn’t change my mind at all. I still want to meet you for the second time. I promise I won’t spill your drink again, okay?”._

He intended to joke around and subtly told Seulgi that it was nothing serious—he was cool with it.

But Seulgi’s response hit him with a shock that sent waves from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet.

_“Yes, I am Seulgi._

_Kai, I’m so sorry. I apologize if I freak you out by this incident. I didn’t have any excuse for you to understand, I know I was wrong._

_At first, I was using this app for my final task. I’m conducting a research about communication pattern. But I ended up getting very comfortable with it, thanks to you._

_It is already mid of May, and the deadline for my final task is mid-June. I won’t uninstall Vault until then, but I’m asking you to not talk to me until I finished everything._

_Good luck for your therapy”._

“No...Seulgi...”, his hands were shaking, but he needed to change Seulgi’s mind as fast as possible. He typed a few sentences as a reply, hoping that Seulgi will still had her phone on her range.

_“Seulgi, if you think I’m freaked out with that, you’re wrong. Why are you making this kind of assumption?_

_I want to befriended you. No matter who you are. Our first meeting wasn’t intentional and I can understand why did you keep what you knew to yourself._

_But now we already know everything, should you do this to me?”._

_“Sorry, Kai. We can talk again later. I promise”._

_I promise._

Jongin was confused. Seulgi used to told him that hope was empty and hollow, but now he didn’t have any other choice than hoping she could keep her promise, what else is he going to do?

~***~

“Yak, Jongin-a, your food is gonna be cold soon”. Chanyeol poked the back of Jongin’s hand with his spoon. He had noticed his best friend’s odd behavior since the first class this morning. Jongin was zoning out, still looking at the whiteboard but his gaze was emptier than a night club during daytime.

Jongin pouted before he swept a spoonful of rice, meat, and vegetables into his mouth. He still couldn’t stop thinking of Seulgi. They were no longer talking, and it wasn’t even a whole day after Seulgi’s last chat, but damn, he couldn’t bear of losing someone else he treasures once again.

“What happened to you? You didn’t seem alright to me”.

100dollar was usually his go-to person to confide. And now Park Chanyeol sat in front of him. The Chanyeol that has been his best friend since high school. The Chanyeol that became one of not-so-many people who knows about his shenanigans.

“I know who’s the one behind 100dollar”.

“What? You mean...that secret anonymous app?”.

Jongin nodded.

“Why? Did they lie to you?”.

“No. She was honest, in contrary”.

“She? She is a girl?”.

“Yeah, she is”.

“Then why are you sad if she is honest?”.

Jongin put his spoon on the side of his bowl, then propped his chin with both of his hands. He then explained to Chanyeol about what happened in Coffee Palace and what happened last night when Seulgi slipped and call him by Kai.

“I was okay with it but she was...too afraid. It’s frustrating, you know?”.

Chanyeol hummed, then raised his elbows onto the table. “Why don’t you look up for her on the internet, though?”.

“H-how? And why should I?”.

“At least you know her name and her face. Aren’t you curious about her? Why is she refusing to talk to you?”.

Jongin raised his left eyebrow. It wasn’t like Jongin didn’t think of this last night. He did. But he just brushed the idea off his mind and went to sleep after that.

So, he pulled his phone out from his pocket and pointed it at his face to unlock the screen. “Okay. Where should I start?”.

“Instagram. Every youngster has Instagram now”. Chanyeol stood up and moved to sit next to Jongin.

Jongin opened his Instagram and typed Seulgi on the search bar. Of course, Seulgi is a common name. A lot of results came up. He sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy.

“We are not going to ignore the one with empty display name or profile picture”, Chanyeol nudged Jongin’s arm with his elbow.

“Alright alright”. Jongin started to tap from the first result, sliding the screen to the right when he didn’t find the one he was looking for.

Took him more than 15 minutes until he found a profile that showed a photo of young girl as the profile picture. He clicked on the profile and Thank God, it wasn’t on private.

That was when Jongin knew it was the Seulgi he was looking for. Her username was hi_sseulgi.

“Ah...this is the girl? She is pretty”, Chanyeol commented.

_Kang Seulgi. So that’s your name._

He scrolled a bit to see her posts. Not too many. She rarely posted anything in her Instagram, but all of them were high-quality pictures. The one that stood out among her pictures was the bright one, probably taken during the day. Jongin tapped on that picture.

Seulgi was standing in front of a building with a lot of greenery around it, all smiling brightly wrapped in a denim jumpsuit, a black high-neck shirt, and a pair of ankle boots. Her location told them that it was taken at Yonsei University, College of Social Science.

“I’m conducting a research about communication pattern....”, Jongin repeated what Seulgi said last night.

“So...she really didn’t lie to you?”, Chanyeol said. “Hey, look at the time and caption. A new start. It was 2 years ago. She is the same age as us, then?”.

“Right...”. Jongin was amazed by how unbelievably easy it is nowadays to find a common person.

“I have a friend in Yonsei, though. Do you want me to ask for her help?”.

“A friend?”.

“We met through PUBG. Ah! She is in social science college too. Maybe she knows her?”.

“Is that okay? I mean, you’re just going to ask your friend about Seulgi, right? You’re not going to tell them that I was looking for her?”.

“But how else I’m gonna tell my friend if I didn’t mention you? It would be weird if I came out of nowhere asking someone I didn’t know”.

Jongin gripped on Chanyeol’s arm and sunk his head. “Seulgi can’t know about this, so please help me carefully”.

“Yah...do you think I’m doing this favor for free?”.

“Of course you are. What else are you going to ask from me?”, Jongin raised his head again.

Chanyeol chuckled, then pulled Jongin’s hands off from his arms. “Fine, fine. I’ll let you know about it soon”.

~***~

Seungwan felt a long, continuous vibrate in her sling bag. She was hanging out with Joohyun and Seulgi in a cafe near their campus right after they finished their last class. She took her phone out from her bag, but quickly furrowed her eyebrows when she saw the caller.

Chanyeol?

“Hello?”, Seungwan finally picked up the call. “Why are you calling me?”.

_“Is that how you supposed to greet me? Yah...Seungwan-ah, I’m hurt”._

“Yah, cut the chase, you don’t usually call me like this. Why? Is there something important?”. Joohyun and Seulgi exchanged their gaze to each other, then converged to Seungwan again.

“By any chance...do you know Seulgi? Yonsei, college of social science?”.

Seungwan widened her eyes. She couldn’t prevent herself from moving her sight towards Seulgi, which Seulgi found even odder.

“W-why? What’s the matter?”. Standing up from her seat, Seungwan walked to the female bathroom while keep listening to Chanyeol.

“Who’s that?”, Seulgi asked Joohyun. The girl next to her shrugged her shoulders before sipping on her strawberry mojito.

“Seungwan never really conceal anything from us, though”, Joohyun replied. “Maybe this is really confidential”.

Seungwan opened the farthest bathroom stall’s door with her left hand. _“I have a friend who is looking for her. He knows her from Vauls? Vault? That anonymous chatting app”._

“Why is he looking for Seulgi? And why are you asking me about her?”, she leaned her back on the door.

_“Aih, just answer my first question first! Do you know Seulgi or not?”._

“Yeah, she is my friend! Now answer my question too”.

_“I think your friend just ghosted my friend, which made him became greatly saddened right now”._

“Ghosted...your friend? Does your friend go to Yonsei or Kyunghee?”, Seungwan put her left hand on her hips. Her eyebrows were connected from her creased forehead. “I thought Seulgi used Vault for her final task research”.

_“Kyunghee. Same major as me. You don’t know that Seulgi exchanged things regularly with someone from Vault? She and my friend will drop things on the place they had agreed on, and they will pick it up”._

“I...don’t know about that. Seulgi never told us either...”, she replied. “But if Seulgi ghosted him, she must have had her own reason to do so”.

 _“You’re right”._ There was a brief pause before Chanyeol continued. _“How are you, Seungwan?”._

“Now you’re asking about me after you’re running out of questions”, Seungwan rolled her eyes and blew her bangs. “I’m fine, thanks for asking”.

_“Not at how you always become so petty towards me, huh? Alright alright, I’ll hang up on you then”._

She chuckled at Chanyeol’s response. “Bye then. See you later”.

“Yak Seungwan-a! Before I forget. Don’t tell Seulgi that someone is looking for her, okay?”.

 _“I won’t promise, though”._ Seungwan pulled her phone away from her ear, then pressed on the end button.

When Seungwan came back to her seat, both Seulgi and Joohyun glued their eyes on her, demanding for an explanation.

“What? It’s my friend from another college”, she defended.

“Your friend?”, Seulgi squinted both of her eyes. “Are you sure?”.

“It’s...it’s the friend that I met from PUBG before”.

“Ah...that tall guy?”, Joohyun raised her tone due to her awareness of the subject Seungwan mentioned. “Why? Why is he calling you at this hour so sudden?”.

“It’s...”. Seungwan’s feet were unconsciously knocking on the floor, making a soft noise from the friction of her oxford shoes’ sole and the granite tiles. “Aih, I can’t tell you! It’s not something bad, okay? I swear”.

Joohyun and Seulgi didn’t believe the crappy excuse Seungwan gave them.

But not everything about themselves should be discussed in group. Everyone has the right to their own privacy.

They decided to move on into another topic after that.

~***~


	7. Into The Meeting

In the next few weeks, Seulgi had to endure the uneasiness that crept into her mind whenever she did her Digital and New Media final task. She was writing about Vault, which means that she must go through that app back and forth. Coupled with the fact that she was one of the selected students from her class who will present her paper in the exhibition, Seulgi had to do double work. This app always reminds her of 1rhapsody4. Even though she already had 1rhapsody4 blocked, sometimes Seulgi still scrolled through their chats and laughed at some of their conversations. 

She didn't know where to begin again with 1rhapsody4. The fact that he already told Seulgi that everything is okay between them didn't cease Seulgi's insecurity. She pushed him away for a while to get a peaceful state of mind, but Seulgi found it ridiculous that she became more agitated as time goes by. 

Seulgi stared at her laptop screen. She was making a poster for her Digital and New Media final task exhibited next week, but she stopped midway to let her mind wandered. What if she didn't slip that day? Will she finally meet Kai for the second time? Will they no longer use Vault to chat and use Kakaotalk instead? Will she get her hopes immensely high that they have become friends in real life?

Her phone that she put on her desk buzzed once. Seulgi picked it up and found Seungwan's name popped on the screen.

_"Seulgi, are you home? Can I meet you there and talk?"._

"Huh?". She looked at the time on top of her phone screen. 7.15 PM.

_"Why? Can't you talk on the phone or chat instead?"._

_"No, this is very important"._

Seulgi agreed to Seungwan's command and saved her work swiftly.

It didn't take long for Seulgi's front bell to ring. Seungwan came in and sat on Seulgi's couch, followed by Seulgi next to her.

"What is it?", Seulgi said. "Is that really urgent?".

Seungwan nodded her head a few times before she uttered. "I was doing my Digital Media task...and I can't resist this thought. Seulgi, I have something to tell you".

Seulgi encouraged Seungwan to talk by her silence and her motionless gaze.

"Remember one time when we hung out and I picked up a call from someone? It was Chanyeol. He went to Kyunghee, and he had a friend...who is looking for you. He said his friend knew you from Vault".

Seungwan's words successfully pulled Seulgi closer to her, with her forehead crinkled into several folds. "What else did he tell you? And what did you tell him?".

"Chanyeol asked me first if I knew you or not. I said that you are my friend, and that's when he told me that you've exchanged things with his friend. I told Chanyeol that I didn't know anything other than you using Vault for final task research", Seungwan slowly lifted her gaze to Seulgi to found out any trace of angry expression from the dark brown-haired girl, but there was none. "And he said you've ghosted him too, so...yeah. That's all".

 _I ghosted Kai?_ It wasn't counted as ghosting if she clearly told him to take a break from talking, though. 

"That's all?", Seulgi repeated.

"Yeah, that's all".

"Something is strange".

"Strange?".

"I mean...if Chanyeol went to Kyunghee, and Chanyeol knew you went to Yonsei...that means Chanyeol's friend knew that I went to Yonsei...", Seulgi squinted her eyes. 

"Maybe he did a research about you".

"Research? Do you mean, stalking?". 

"Uh...is your Insta on private or not?", Seungwan asked.

"Shit", Seulgi cursed, palming her face so sudden. "It's not!". She picked her phone from the table and opened her Instagram. Scrolling through her own page a few times, she found a picture she posted two years ago when she was accepted into Yonsei. That was the only post on her page that used a location in Yonsei. _Of course, it wasn't that hard to find me._

"Have you met him before?".

"It was a coincidence".

"How is that a coincidence?".

Seulgi finally opened up to Seungwan about her and Kai exchanging things, the first turning point when they met at a coffee shop, and the second plummeting point when she unintentionally called him as his real nickname.

"Yak! Are you still embarrassed after 4 weeks? Go meet him! It's not like he scolded you or what!", Seungwan shook her head in disbelief. 

"But I like him!", Seulgi finally confessed. "I...I was...I was just afraid of facing him with this feeling".

"And then? Shoot your shot! If he rejected you, cool, move on, and befriended him like usual after that. If he accepted you, it's a jackpot. What's so hard?".

Seulgi pouted, putting her chin on top of her palms. "It is always easier said than done".

Seungwan slapped Seulgi's shoulder firmly once, emitting a stern gaze from her eyes. "Do it now, or you'll lose him". Seulgi still whimpered from the pain and flicked Seungwan's wrist. She remained silent for a moment, giving her mind, _not her heart,_ to think about the next move. 

Seulgi walked towards her desk and pulled her notebook. She tore one of the empty pages. Her right hand was holding and swinging her pen in a swift motion. Not long after, some of the lines were filled with her handwriting. She reread his letter twice and convinced herself that it was the best letter she ever made in her life. Maybe it's the opposite, but she didn't have time to revise anything anyway.

Putting the letter inside a sealed envelope, Seulgi gave it to Seungwan. "Send this to Chanyeol and tell Chanyeol to send it to Kai. Only Kai can see what's inside".

"You're going to meet him soon, right?".

"Yes, yes! Just pass this on first".

Seulgi could pick the easier route by unblocking Kai on Vault and sent him a message, she was fully conscious of that. But where's the fun? Giving Kai a little thrill by receiving her handwritten note was able to light up her heart again. She couldn't wait for his reaction. 

~***~

Jongin felt weird that his right arm was no longer holding onto something made from metal in every movement he made.

He also felt uneasy to finally step on both of his legs on the ground without any additional weight from the plaster cast on his left leg. 

But if to feel weird was the only thing that he could handle right now, Jongin didn't wish for anything else. After almost four months of slow then accelerated progress and bottles of painkillers later, Jongin could discard his crutch and walk like a normal, healthy human. He never realized that walking with both of his legs was a luxury before the accident happened. And now he knew. Even though he was also well aware of the presence of a metal plate in his tibia bone that acted as life-time support for his left leg.

He kept staring at both of his legs while walking around the physiotherapy room with a wide grin on his face that Friday _It is working! It is working!_ He tried to step faster, and his legs were still swinging without any problem. _Oh my god, it is really working._ Jongin then ran across the room and jumped a few times, still smiling ear to ear. Many people were peering at him, but it was the happiest day of his life this year, and he couldn't be bothered to give a single fuck about it.

It was time to bid goodbye to Mrs. Shin for now, and Jongin felt a bit disheartened. Mrs. Shin had taken many responsibilities for his progress these past three and a half months, he must admit that. 

"I wish we could meet again, but not here. You don't need to come back to my room anymore. Look at you now, standing in both of your legs", Mrs. Shin pat Jongin's shoulder a few times. Jongin smiled sheepishly. 

"Thank you so much for your help, Mrs. Shin", he bowed deeply to her. "I'm sorry if I wasn't your most obedient patient".

Hearing Jongin's apology made the older woman chuckled. "I've met a lot of patients who were worse than you. It's alright, Jongin. You can go back to dancing again".

_Go back to dancing again._

Summer break was coming around the corner, and he knew it was his time to thrive and shine again. 

When he came back home, his Mom was the one who greeted him. She hugged Jongin tightly and caressed her son's back. "Finally", she said. "Finally...". Jongin nodded his head and smiled.

Jongin's Dad came home about an hour later, and he saw his own son walking around the dining room freely without his crutch's help. He couldn't lie; there was a warmth pierced into his heart, seeing Jongin smiled happily. It was the happiest state of Jongin he has ever seen after four gloomy months. 

Jongin was helping his Mom washing the dishes when his Dad came to dining room. He realized who was coming after took a short glance, then came back to his activity again. It was his Dad. He still avoided talking to him after the huge row a few months ago. 

That night, his Dad asked him a question when he was about to dart away from kitchen. A simple one, yet enough to make Jongin stopped to answer.

"Are you going back to dancing?".

"Yes", he said shortly, and kept silence after that in case his Dad want to ask another question.

But there was no more question. His Dad just looked at both of Jongin's legs a few seconds before he nodded, signaling him that he had nothing more to say.

Jongin walked back to his room and sighed. That's it? That's the only thing his Dad can say to him after seeing him finally walk without his crutches? _What a great father figure that I have, wow._

It was going to be a perfect day if he could tell everything to Seulgi now, but he was still blocked. Jongin opened the room chat between him and 100dollar. 

_"Sorry, Kai. We can talk again later. I promise"._

That was her last message to him. And it's been almost a month. He missed Seulgi horribly. He was dying to see her again, to finally have a 'real' conversation with her. The stuff Seulgi gave to him sat perfectly on his shelf, and whenever Jongin looked at or touched them, it felt like Seulgi was standing next to him with her stained white turtleneck shirt, black knitted cardigan, and black corduroy midi skirt she wore that day. 

Jongin lay himself on his bed. This was probably his last day sleeping on the first floor, as tomorrow he wanted to move back to his actual room on the second floor. 

When he closed both of his eyes, he still could see Seulgi's face. Which he found very absurd and unusual. 

_Why can't I stop thinking about you, Seulgi?_

~***~

Jongin’s patience was granted with a reward he never imagined before on Sunday. Chanyeol called him in the afternoon, saying that he was in front of Jongin’s home. Jongin rushed to the gate and opened it for Chanyeol.

“Whoa, look at you!”,Chanyeol squealed in high tone, full of excitement. He looked at Jongin from the top of his head to his legs. “So your legs are alright now?”, Chanyeol nudged Jongin’s lower left leg with his knee.

“Yak! You want to break it again?!”, Jongin exaggerated his words. Chanyeol never listened to his complain anyway, and he even slapped Jongin’s legs a few times.

Both of them were laughing, before Jongin stopped and asked him. “What’s the matter?”.

From his jeans’ back pocket, Chanyeol pulled an envelope and gave it to Jongin. “Seulgi”.

“Seulgi?!”, he shouted and forcefully pulled the thing from Chanyeol’s hand. It was all white with no words on the outer side of the envelope, but it was perfectly sealed.

“Seungwan told Seulgi about you, and Seulgi gave her this letter. Seungwan gave it to me...and then I gave it to you”, Chanyeol pointed at Jongin. “Why don’t you guys just talk with Kakaotalk? iMessage? Are we living in the 1800 now? Not surprised if later you ask a pigeon to send your letter to her”.

But the next thing Chanyeol felt was a pair of arms firmly wrapped around his body. Jongin hugged him.

“Thank you! Thank you!”, Jongin shouted. He was obviously beyond excited right now. When Jongin finally pulled himself away from Chanyeol, his best friend could see how Jongin’s eyes lighted up brightly, and he swore he saw sparkles around it.

“Meet her soon, this anonymous thing is driving me nuts”, Chanyeol patted Jongin’s shoulder a few times.

Jongin opened the letter when he finally sat on his bed. Seulgi’s familiar handwriting greeted his vision and he started reading her short letter.

_“Hello, Kai. I’m now aware that you were looking for me through your connections. I was about to be mad to you, really. Thankfully, you didn’t do any harm to me (not that I know). Please don’t._

_Yes, my name is Kang Seulgi. Yes, I majored in communication studies in Yonsei. You already know that._

_Don’t you wish to see what’s my research about? It will be exhibited next Wednesday from 9 AM to 12PM. Yonsei University, College of Social Science, hall B-102._

_See you there”._

Once, twice, thrice, Jongin read the letter in his hand for more than 4 times already until the words hopped to all direction. The next thing he knew it wasn’t just the words that jumps around—but his whole body, along with soundless grin raised upon his face.

It was the longest time he had to wait in his life.

~***~

Hall B-102 was crowded with students, lecturers, and standing wooden boards with four legs. There were about a hundred students of social science college that were selected to present their paper in this exhibition. Seulgi was one of them. She stood on the 4th row from the main entrance, on her left there were 11 more students and on her right were 8. She already put her poster up into the wooden board. In about 10 minutes, the door will be opened for public.

Seulgi looked at her poster once again. It was dominated with purple, the theme color of Vault. She made a box from cardboard coated in acrylic paint that resembled the real vault. The box was attached in the low-middle section area of her poster, designated to collect suggestions and messages from people about her research in case they were too shy to say it in person.

Seulgi was nervous. She could feel the tip of her fingers were cold and her head was light. A lot of people will come and visit today, but that wasn’t the one who made her feel this way. There was only one guest that she anticipated to come.

When the door finally opened at 9AM sharp, many people were coming in. Most of them were Yonsei students too, cheering for their friends who got the chance to exhibit their paper. But the rest were just looking around and chatting with the presenter. Seungwan and Joohyun came to give her encouragement in a form of coffee and cakes, which Seulgi found so wholesome. Some of her friends from other department and her junior in journalism club were also present and asked Seulgi a few questions while Seulgi was holding on her cup of coffee. The vault box was opened a few times for people to submit their messages. Every visitor, without exception, who come to her was greeted with her wide smile.

When Seulgi looked at her watch again—she lost count of how many times she had lifted her left wrist—it was 11 AM, 1 hour left to the closing of the exhibition. The hall will be opened again in 1 PM for another department in social science college. She grew uneasy, knocking the front sole of her sneakers continuously. _Where is he? Is he coming?_ Before Seulgi could even proceed with another question, a visitor came in, that from her unfamiliar face Seulgi thought she was not from Yonsei.

11.15. Still no sign.

11.30. _Maybe he didn’t want to come._

Seulgi stood facing the wooden board with arms folded in front of her chest. Now she could only wish that her disappointment will be rewarded with something nice, like getting a perfect A on her Digital and New Media class.

But just as Seulgi wanted to give up, her ears caught the voice of someone shouting her name from distance.

“Kang Seulgi!!!”.

And that voice belongs to Kai.

_The only guest that mattered._

~***~


	8. Face to Face

Jongin hurried as soon as he was done with his exam to the front gate, where Mr. Lee had waited for him. He barged into the car and told Mr. Lee to drive to Yonsei as fast as possible. The watch on his left wrist showed him that it was 11 past 2. Mr. Lee agreed to Jongin’s command. The car was running above 60 kilometers per hour on a quiet road, but unluckily, some of the main roads were jammed with cars and people. A curse word was sliding on his tongue, but he quickly hindered himself from actually releasing it. 

Mr. Lee stepped on the brake right in front of the gate of social science college. Before Jongin jumped out of the car, he told Mr. Lee to not pick him up later. He fled from the entrance and had to look around. This was his first time in Yonsei; where the hell is Hall B-102? Jongin asked the passerby, a male student with a book thicker than the bible in his hand, about the exhibition and Hall B-102. 

Right after he found the direction, Jongin ran through the spacious college, feeling the adrenaline rushing profusely inside his blood vessel. Then he spotted it. There was a big, bright-colored banner a few meters in front of the main entrance. He was about to enter with his quick steps when the receptionist girl held him back and asked him for his ID. Still, with an accelerated heartbeat and breathing pace, Jongin pulled his student card from his wallet.

Now his task is to find Seulgi. 

Jongin combed through the rows, trying to match everyone he saw with the mental image of Seulgi’s face that he had. He looked for a girl with long dark brown hair, at his shoulder height, round face, chubby cheeks, slanted eyes...

Then he found her on the fourth row.

His face lit up when he saw the exact figure he was looking for, and Jongin knew better than bottling all his built-up hope inside his chest. Instead, he shouted her name from a few meters apart, attracting the gaze from crowds around him.

“Kang Seulgi!!!”.

Seulgi turned her face to her right side. Everything was happening too fast. She identified the person she has been waiting to appear, along with the figure running with his two legs without any problem.

It was Kai.

And when they both finally faced each other, every sound around her was engulfed into a vacuum, the time stopped working, and the world suddenly belongs only to her and Kai.

“Kai?”, she widened her eyes, still grasped by the shock wave. 

“Yeah, it’s me”. Jongin dazzled the widest smile on his face. “I’m sorry, I just completed my exam on 11”.

Seulgi still didn’t know how to behave in front of him with every baggage they have dealt with before. It tasted like her dream came into reality after being swamped in her sleep for too long, and now she had no clue to handle this situation. She just stared at Jongin. There were too many details of him that she had to memorize. His hair was styled up and shorter, shaved on both right and left side into undercut style. The oversized maroon sweatshirt with a white-collar underneath, baggy black denim, and the sneakers with a similar shade to his top complemented each other so well in his tall figure. Seulgi had just noticed that when he smiled widely, there were dimples on the side of his face.

But the most striking detail Seulgi scrutinized from the man in front of her was not the one that presented with him, but instead, the one that _wasn’t there_ with him. 

His crutch. 

“You’re...running with your legs?”. Seulgi looked down at both of his legs, and there was no crutch insight.

“Am I supposed to run with my hands?”, Jongin raised both of his hands to his head level. 

Seulgi burst into laughter in no time. Her joke receptor was being hypersensitive at the moment due to increased exhilaration, and Jongin was the one to accuse. That man chuckled along with her. “I mean...since when?”.

“Just last Friday. No metal needed anymore except for this one right here”, Jongin bent down a bit to tap his lower left leg.

An evident confusion was visible on Seulgi’s face. Before she asked, Jongin already answered. “I have a metal plate in my bone”.

“Oh my...”, she blinked her eyes rapidly. “Does it hurt? When you run?”.

“If it still hurts, I’ll still have my crutch by my side”. Jongin then turned around and took a few steps back to see the poster Seulgi plastered on the wooden board. “Woah...you finally made it. Mind to tell me the gist of your research findings, please?”.

Seulgi paused briefly to recollect the explanations she had been saying over and over again towards the visitor. It was ten times harder to speak when she had to face the boy she likes. But Jongin seemed to understand what she said from the regular nodding and humming he did, and that encouraged Seulgi to go further. 

“You’re using one of my messages too”, Jongin pointed at the part where Seulgi attached the screenshot. “ _Because you don’t know who I am in real life._ And now you know. How will you explain that?”.

“No, I don’t know who you are in real life”, Seulgi said. “Yet”. 

Jongin spun his body to face Seulgi once again. He took a step closer and reached out his right hand, which Seulgi looked at before his face. 

“Let’s start here, then”, Jongin said, accompanied with his lips curled upward. “My name is Kim Jongin”.

Seulgi’s hand was halting to link it with Jongin’s, but space was meant to be filled with no other than hers. _So that’s your real name,_ Seulgi thought as she scanned the boy’s face.

“Nice to meet you, Kim Jongin”, she shook his hand. “I am Kang Seulgi”.

“Thank you for keeping your promise, Kang Seulgi”.

“What promise?”.

“To talk with me again”.

~***~

Jongin ate a lot. Like, really a lot. 

He brought Seulgi to the pizza restaurant near Yonsei because one: he had been craving for pizza lately, and two: not far from the restaurant, there was a multipurpose park that allowed the visitants to play sports or have a cute picnic date—basically to do any outdoor activities. To eat together with Seulgi wasn’t the only thing he intended to do. He wanted to spend his time with her. Getting to know her. Learning about her. Fulfilling his curiosity about her.

And when their order arrived, he didn’t hesitate to finish the pizzas in front of Seulgi. He was too damn hungry, and never again, he wanted to let this desire slide away after months of losing his appetite. 

“Are you really that starving?”, Seulgi, who was sitting in front of him, asked him the obvious question.

Jongin nodded his head. “This is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten”. That sentence gained a chuckle from Seulgi. “I want to gain weight too, you know”. 

“Gain weight?”, Seulgi skimmed Jongin from his head to his torso—the bound of his body that was visible above the table. “You look okay, though?”.

“What do you mean by okay?”.

Seulgi was taken aback by his words, worried that it will cross his line somehow. “I...I-I mean...”.

“You mean that I’m handsome”.

Seulgi let a relieved sigh. _He was just joking, calm down Seulgi._ “I didn’t say that”, she rolled her eyes, hard enough to conceal the fact that she agreed with him in this matter. 

Jongin responded with a laugh before he scooted closer to Seulgi. “I lost a lot of weight these past few months”, he said. “I didn’t realize it at first! But then one day I saw the trace of my ribcage was showing clearly. So I said to myself to eat more. I have my appetite back, and I don’t want to take it for granted”. He started munching on the last piece of his pizza.

“Was that because...”, Seulgi lowered her voice slightly when she approached this sensitive topic. “Your...accident...”.

Jongin nodded. “There are persons who eat and sleep more when they are stressed, and I’m the opposite. I eat and sleep less”.

“Judging by four big slices of pizza you’re eating, I assume that your condition is getting better”.

“Way better than how I was in February”.

Four slices of pizza and a glass of cold cola were what Jongin could take that afternoon; meanwhile, Seulgi was settled only with her two pieces. Now that their tummies are full, Jongin dragged Seulgi out of the restaurant to walk with him, still holding her cloth bag in his hand. 

The sidewalk they were walking on was densely occupied with restaurants, cafes, and stores. When Seulgi spotted a coffee shop, her mind was unconsciously forming a relationship between the coffee shop and her first encounter with Jongin. Maybe Jongin didn’t think of the same thing. Perhaps it was just her. 

But she was so eager to ask him about a memory that now she retrieved from Coffee Palace.

“Jongin, why did you choose Kai that time?”.

“That used to be my nickname when I was in the US”, he told her, hands were swaying back and forth as he walked. “Korean, and ethnic names in general, were harder to pronounce for them. My parents then decided what my nickname would be”. 

“Ah...I see”, she nodded a few times. “How’s your life in there? What’s the most striking difference you experienced between both countries?”.

“That’s an easy question”, Jongin said, a broad smile mustered on his face when he looked at Seulgi. “It’s the study habits. I just finished my second grade when I moved to Korea, and I’ve been accustomed to more flexible and loose activities. But then everyone seemed to be addicted to studying in here?! Even when they were still as little as 9 years old. I had to adapt, and that has a cost on my sanity. I almost failed my third grade back then”. 

Seulgi raised both of her eyebrows and gasped. “Really? You did?”.

“Really! I ranked 28 out of 30 students”. Jongin took a turn to the left when they reached the corner of a boutique. Seulgi was separated from Jongin by another young man walking quickly for a split second, but she caught up forthwith. Jongin then continued when Seulgi was on his side again, “I got bullied a lot too for not speaking Korean well. During winter break, my parents gave me a private tutor to learn Korean and every other subject I was lacking. It wasn’t the wisest decision, though. I didn’t excel in my class not because I was stupid but because I had to adapt quickly to a new culture as a 9-year-old kid. That might sound funny coming from me because I’m Korean, but I didn’t really get to be in touch with my culture when I was young”. 

“It must be tough for you, wasn’t it?”.

“That was the second hardest phase of my life”.

Seulgi took a brief pause on their conversation. She secretly glanced at Jongin’s legs that were working faultlessly like nothing bizarre ever happened. No one will suspect that he got into a car accident four months ago if they scanned him with the naked eye. 

“Is everything okay at your home now?”.

The park they were heading to finally showed its appearance right before their eyes, after walking for nearly ten minutes from the pizza restaurant. Few people were present during this working hour. There were some kids not older than 12 who cycled around the park. A few youngsters were spotted too, taking pictures with their phones while sitting on the grass. 

“Yeah. My dad still didn’t talk to me. But that’s better than having him yell and tell me what to do”. Jongin stopped for a while, looked around to see an empty spot to occupy. He then saw a ground with a higher elevation that was still empty, albeit covered by a lush, tall tree. “Come on, let’s sit there”, he pointed at the spot. 

Seulgi took that clue for not continuing their conversation about Jongin’s family.

The place they were sitting emitted a gentle breeze, forming a little wave on their respective clothes. For a minute or two, none of them initiated the conversation. They were engrossed with anything their senses could receive—from the greenery covered with golden sun rays, the distant sound of cars from the main road, and the little tingling from the grass that pricked through their jeans. 

But as the silence slowly grew an uneasiness in Seulgi’s mind, she grabbed the cloth bag from beside Jongin’s body, taking a box containing cake and slices of bread that Joohyun and Seungwan gave earlier. “Are you still hungry?”, she asked, handed the opened box to Jongin.

“No, but I always have space for dessert”. Jongin beamed and took a croissant from the box. Seulgi raised both corners of her lips. The sight of Jongin next to her was too good to be dismissed. Why did an act as simple as eating dessert make Jongin looks so gorgeous in her eyes?

_Oh, right. I have a crush on him._

“It’s your turn, Seulgi”, Jongin said. When he altered his gaze into Seulgi, that girl turn her eye away from him instead. 

“My turn?”, Seulgi asked, still looking at the park.

“Tell me about yourself”.

“Which part of me do you wish to know?”.

Jongin munched on his croissant and hummed. “Everything”.

“Let’s start with my good part first so you won’t run away from me”.

“Why would I run away? Did you kill someone or what?”.

“No, silly”, she chuckled lightly before turning her head into him. “Wait, do you think I am really _that_ bad?”.

“I-it’s not what I mean!”, Jongin nudged her arm with his elbow. That made Seulgi turned her giggle into a laugh, seeing Jongin stuttered. 

“Alright, alright. Let’s start with things that I love the most. I like drawing. Drawing for me...is like dancing for you. It is...something that always keeps me going forth”. 

Jongin finished his last part of croissant and nodded. “That’s really great. Has it been a long-term hobby for you?”.

“It has been a part of me since the beginning of time”, she uttered. “My parents used to paint the walls frequently for all the doodles I made on the wall, then they gave up. They gave me a drawing book that I finished the last bit very fast. I joined some competitions too when I was in primary school, but I thought that the concept of winning and losing was just not suitable for me. So, I enjoy it as a hobby”. 

“Why not?”, Jongin questioned. “I mean, doesn’t it feel nice to gain more validation from winning a race?”.

“It will be impossible for me to win all the time, right? And I don’t really like handling with rejection, so there should be it”, Seulgi rested both of her palms beside her hips. 

“Interesting”, he raised his eyebrows. “Do you prefer drawing manually or digitally?”.

“I’ve only tried digital drawing a few times. I still prefer manual drawing to this day”. Seulgi offered her water bottle to Jongin, which he received in an instant. “I need the feeling of actually touching the physical canvas. With digital, I feel like hindered by an invisible wall, and I don’t like it”.

After taking a few gulps of water, he handed Seulgi’s water bottle back. “Can I ask something to you, then?”.

“About...what?”.

“Can you draw me?”, Jongin made an unseen circle around his face with his index finger. “I’m curious how it will turn out”.

_Uh-oh._

Seulgi’s mind went into a canvas with scattered words right after Jongin told his ridiculous demand. How was she supposed to concentrate when the object of her art was _him_? The guy who turned her heart’s frosty layer into lava, who turned her heart beat faster than F1 cars.

“I...it...it will take a long time if I draw your face”, she finally made an excuse.

“Ah. Just draw my eyes, then”.

_Fuck!_

That’s even a worse demand.

Seulgi hated that even her mind screamed the loudest _no,_ her hands betrayed it by taking her notebook and her pencil from her bag. 

Jongin clapped enthusiastically with a big grin appeared on his face. He rotated his whole body into facing Seulgi, raising both of his knees to his chest level and hugged them with his arms. 

Seulgi inhaled as much oxygen as she could. Looking straight at Jongin’s eyes for the next 15 minutes was the worst possible condition ever happened to her mental stability, but at least, she got an excuse to stare at him without being judged as a creepy woman.

Jongin’s eyes were lovely. Not the kind that was perfectly ratioed, but the kind of unique that left a profound imprint on everyone he laid his eyes on. Jongin had almond-shaped eyes with hazel iris that were glimmering like honey when the sunlight hits them. Above his eyes, the lines of his eyelids were drawn neatly, and there was eyebags right under his eyes that will be cutely puffed whenever he smiled widely or laugh. His lashes were curly and long, tapping each other beautifully when he closed his eyes. Jongin knew how to utilize it to emit various kinds of emotions due to his eyes' expressiveness.

But right now, staring at Jongin was not the only thing on her checklist. Seulgi swayed her pencil in a refined manner. The sharp tip of her pencil was scratching the notebook paper, line by line, curve by curve, forming into what she perceived as Jongin’s eyes. Her art’s current subject was mainly looking at her eyes too, with a few brief pauses of blinking and diverting his gaze into his right and left. 

“What was your first impression of me?”, Jongin asked, placing his chin on his knee.

Seulgi was still working on a line that she slightly missed because her hand trembled. “You...”. One line was erased. “...seemed like a nice guy...”. One line formed again. _Good._ “You ordered the big size for me without even asking what I had before”.

“What did you order before?!”.

“Belgian chocolate latte with cookie crumbs, regular size. I ordered it for free, thanks to your loyalty card”.

Slightly tilting his head, Jongin then chuckled. “And how did you know that 1rhapsody4 was me?”.

“Do you want an honest answer or a fake answer?”.

“Do I look like I’m joking right now?”, Jongin pouted his lips while his eyebrows were knitted and raised together. _Are you seriously wanting to torture me with that cute expression?_ Seulgi shouted internally.

“Okay, okay”, Seulgi continued to look at her notebook while uttering her answer. “It was your scent. I knew that it wasn’t just a cheap ass perfume. I had to go to the nearest shopping mall to confirm that it was Baccarat Rouge”.

“Really? You went to that extent?”.

“T-that wasn’t the only one! I...I assumed that you were a tall man because you keep placing things in a high position. And your crutch too. And your left leg”. 

Jongin couldn’t suppress his smile. It was really apparent that Seulgi was nervous, and Jongin found that her expression was cute.

“And how about you, huh? You found me through my Instagram! You’re the one who went to a further extent. Not me!”, Seulgi struck back with a raised voice.

“It’s not like what you think! It-it was my friend who suggested me to look for you!”.

“You told about me to your friend?”. Seulgi placed her pencil on her notebook before centering her gaze into him. “Interesting”.

It was Jongin’s turn to be nervous after Seulgi flipped his argument around. He grumbled, fingers tapping continuously on the grass. “You...you left me hanging. That’s your fault”, the closer he was to the end of his sentence, the softer he sounded. 

“I can’t face you with the whole embarrassment that I felt, okay?”, Seulgi picked up her pencil again but only to knock it a few times to her knee. “I was afraid that you will stay away from me because I seemed like a creep”.

“I’ve told you that I won’t”, Jongin now pushed his bottom lip forward, pretending to be sulky. “You were cruel to me”, now he pulled his baby voice.

“You know that whatever attempt you do to be cute doesn’t suit your six feet tall figure, right?”.

“Seulgi!”, he tugged Seulgi’s sleeve and whimpered without hesitation. “Don’t do that again to me”.

Seulgi scoffed, gaze locked into her canvas only. Jongin made a few more attempts to annoy her—flicked her arms, touched the pencil she was holding, and plucked some grasses and threw it near her knees. He just liked the way Seulgi responded to his annoyance. She raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes, it was supposed to signal him that she was angry, but it turned out cute instead. Even when Seulgi pulled her notebook to the air and pretended to almost hit him, Jongin laughed unbothered. He grew comfortable towards her. 

“Don’t you think it’s funny how the universe works for us?”. He then inched closer to Seulgi. “Why did you go to that cafe at the same time that I did? Why did I give you my loyalty card? Why did you decide to play that game with me? Why did you leave a comment in my Vault’s post first? Does it mean that every decision we made lead us into that particular moment, and we are really meant to be together?”.

_Together._

Seulgi stopped her hand’s motion when she heard that word. Her vision was diverted from her notebook into the window to Jongin’s soul. She was looking for any clues, any justification that could put her heart in ease, but of course, Jongin didn’t romantically mean that word. He blinked a few times innocently. Jongin still assumed that they were just platonic friends, and while that was the fact, Seulgi had different expectations with him. 

An expectation that sooner or later, will definitely hurt herself. 

“Yeah”, Seulgi smiled. “We are meant to be together”.

A couple minutes passed, Seulgi finally finished her sketch. Her gaze was moving back and forth from her drawing to Jongin. It wasn’t that bad, in her perception. Seulgi wrote a few words, ripped the paper from her notebook, and gave it to Jongin.

“Wah...”, Jongin widened his eyes and his mouth as he scrutinized what Seulgi had made for him. “It looks even better than my real eyes”.

“You’re exaggerating”.

“I’m being honest with you! You have a very talented hand”. For a moment, Jongin was still busy praising Seulgi’s drawing in his mind, but then something on the bottom of the paper caught his attention.

_The light of someone’s soul could ignite a light in another soul._

_-kangseulgikang_

Assuming that it was directed for him, Jongin felt twists and knots inside his gut that drove him ecstatically.

He then flipped the paper to Seulgi’s sight. “Why did you write your surname twice?”.

Seulgi shrugged her shoulder. With a straight face, she told him, “Since I’ve blocked your Vault why don’t we converse at other chatting app instead?”.

A complete five seconds Jongin was left speechless. 

“So, you want me to text you first”.

“I like things to be balanced”.

“Balanced?”.

“Yeah, I texted you first in Vault, remember?”.

Jongin immediately laughed. _This girl is something else._

“I’ll need a reason to text you, then”. 

Jongin slid his phone out from his jeans’ pocket and started capturing pictures of Seulgi’s drawing. He then positioned the paper in Seulgi’s direction.

“Look at me, Seulgi”.

Seulgi did as he commanded. Only looking at the camera. No smiling, no expression. She always dislikes the way she smiled in photos, so unnatural and forced.

“Good, now let’s take a picture together”.

How many times should she hear the word ‘together’ coming out from Jongin’s mouth today? It sounds like magic but tastes like poison.

When she pulled herself closer into Jongin so her face could fit in the camera, her smelling sense caught this very palpable Baccarat Rouge scent of Jongin. Sweet. And elegant. Just like how he is. 

“Come closer, Seulgi. Your cheeks are filling the whole screen”, Jongin pinched the fabric of Seulgi’s sleeve and dragged it to his direction.

“You should push your arm longer!”, Seulgi then shrugged her shoulder to let go of his touch. Jongin was the one who ended up scooted closer towards Seulgi, and he took a lot of pictures with her. 

Not even a minute after, Seulgi felt a continuous vibrate from the tiny device on her palm. Someone with _the guy with nice eyes_ as his display name texted her on Kakaotalk.

_“Gotcha, kangseulgikang”._

A batch of their selfies was sent into their chatroom. It was too good to be true to see both of their faces were captured with so little distance in the same frame. 

“Thanks, _guy with nice eyes_ ”, Seulgi repeated Jongin’s display name with a teasing tone. 

The longer they spent their time together, the dimmer their world had become. Nearly 7 PM was when Seulgi and Jongin stood in front of the gate that connected the sidewalk with the underground subway. Seulgi hated that an hour with Jongin felt like a second. They were eating pizza at one moment, moved to the park and chatted for hours, but still, no enough amount of time would ever satisfy Seulgi’s greed.

“I have a false expectation towards you”, was the first thing that slipped through Jongin’s lips when they stopped walking and faced each other.

“False?”.

“I thought you’re fun”, he said. “But after what happened today, I thought that you’re _very very interesting_ ”.

Seulgi chuckled at the way Jongin put a lot of emphasis and repetition in his sentence. Her face turned warmer in no time. “So you want to keep seeing me after this”.

“Of course! You can bring Seungwan and Joohyun, I’ll bring Chanyeol too. Now you know me in real life, we’ll be seeing each other a lot”. Jongin stuck out his pinkie finger.

Seulgi followed and completed Jongin’s action by intertwining his pinkie finger into him, making a cute pinky promise between the two of them. “Deal”.

Jongin kept smiling at her even after he took off his pinkie finger from the knot. 

“Get home safely”, he said. Without any hesitation, Jongin patted the top of Seulgi’s head a few times, and he ended it by casually ruffled her soft strands. 

Jongin had no idea how his action had just caused an outburst of serotonin and adrenaline inside Seulgi’s nervous system. All he knew was he had a learned pattern that whenever he felt comfortable towards someone—be it in a friendly or romantic way—he will initiate a lot of skin ships. 

But Seulgi, who wasn’t familiar with this gesture, deciphered Jongin’s action as something special. She couldn’t think or say anything when she felt his hand on her head. Just her eyes wide open and her lips pursed, trying to hold back the loud thump of her heartbeat.

“Y-yes..and...y-you too”, Seulgi stammered, her voice vibrated. “I should go now”.

“See you soon, Seulgi”. 

Seulgi nodded her head and made a tiny smile on her face. She summoned her courage to look Jongin directly in his eyes for the last time today.

And it was worth it, to see Jongin smiled back at her.

Not just his lips, but he’s pretty eyes too.

She walked away from Jongin and bit her lower lip to prevent any kind of sound slipped from her mouth. 

Seulgi couldn’t even stop smiling when she was already inside the subway. She had to stand that day due to the massive number of passengers, but nothing could bother her anymore. All she had inside her mind was Jongin, Jongin, and Jongin.

_Fuck you, Kim Jongin, for making me fall even harder._

It was a tad early to declare a strong feeling like so, she knew it. Her sense and logic kept meddling with her thrilled, euphoric heart. But this time, Seulgi decided to allow herself to feel the magic. To feel the butterflies inside her tummy resurrected from the dead. To feel the dashing blood flow to her face. To feel elated every time Jongin smiles at her.

To look at Jongin and finally realized, no measurement of time seemed to be valid when they spend their time together because when you’re with someone you cherished a lot, their presence is the only thing that mattered.

Consequences? Broken heart?

Seulgi will save that shit for her future self to deal with.


	9. A Little Break

When the exam week was over, Jongin revisited the gym with Chanyeol and renewed his subscription. It had been too long since his last proper exercise (the one when he ran along in Yonsei didn’t count). He projected that it would require extra effort for him to start again, and he was correct.

His endurance had plummeted significantly, that after only 30 minutes of intense workout, Jongin nearly passed out into the ground. On his regular days, he could do up to 2 hours of exercise. He sat on the corner, chugging the second round of water from his bottle while still trying to catch his breath. Jongin brought Chanyeol to the gym in case he pushed the limit, and something terrible happened. And his anticipation turned into a reality. Chanyeol, thankfully, restrained him from doing another workout after seeing how his best friend panting like the world is going to end.

Jongin looked at himself from his phone front camera. He will never be not confident with his face even when it was red-boiled and drenched in sweat. But it was a different story with his entire body’s strength. After he officially threw that damned crutch away, he hadn’t practiced dancing again. Jongin wanted to accustom himself to physical activities to return to the dance studio as he used to in the past.

Maybe this week wasn’t the right time to return.

Chanyeol took another forty minutes to work out while Jongin showered and changed his clothes. When Chanyeol was done cleaning himself up, they took their bags and proceeded the way out of the gym together.

“I thought I was going to die again”, was the first sentence Jongin uttered when they waited at the lobby. Mr. Lee was on the way to the gym the last time Jongin checked.

Chanyeol tapped on the back of Jongin’s head a few times. “You didn’t have to push yourself that hard”.

“I’m going to return to the studio”, he said.

“The same studio?”.

Jongin answered with a short nod.

“You’re aware that you’re going to meet him again, right?”.

“Super aware”, he said. “Nothing is going on between us anymore, we’ve called it to the end”.

“So now you have something with this Seulgi girl?”.

Jongin shrugged in silence.

Accompanied with furrowed eyebrows and a confused gaze, Chanyeol folded his arms in front of his chest. “I thought that you like her”.

“Yeah, but not to that extent”, Jongin sighed.

“Aih, who are you trying to fool? Me? You deadass hugged me like a lost child when you received a letter from her”.

“Wouldn’t you do the same if you were me?”, Jongin struck back. “Let’s say that I haven’t talked to you in ages and suddenly your friend tells you that I’m okay, what will you do?”.

“I’ll just laugh it off. I know you’ll talk to me in no time”.

“You’re saying that I’m not that meaningful to you”.

Chanyeol grabbed both of Jongin’s arms and shook the guy’s body a couple of times with a groan. “Stop twisting my words and use your cleverness for something else! Like figuring out your own feelings!”.

Jongin blatantly laughed along and pushed Chanyeol away from him.

But Chanyeol’s words weren’t thoroughly untrue. When he saw his photo with Seulgi after he arrived home, his mind was occupied with what had happened between them so far. He was afraid that it would be too early to identify what he felt towards Seulgi. Sure, Seulgi was a good companion, a good friend, an interesting person—but what else? Jongin needed many more of her parts to see before he could decide what to feel about her.

~***~

As much as Jongin felt an almost inseparable difference between each day, he was aware that day was Friday from how less crowded the roads were on the way to the gym. This time he was alone as Chanyeol had another agenda with his friends. That was alright for him. His stamina that once depleted had risen steadily, and now he didn’t feel as shitty as at the beginning of this week. Perhaps two hours was still unreachable for him. But little progress is still progress. To train his body was one activity that he put enormous effort into, and to tone down his perfectionist side was another thing. He was quite satisfied looking at himself in the mirror after he showered and changed his outfit.

You did well, Jongin.

Mr. Lee came to pick him up at the gym. Even though Jongin missed the way he could drive around freely, he didn’t think he was ready for it. Being on the passenger seat and on the driver seat was entirely different. It would require him to be in control of the whole car, and thinking about how it ended up horrendous the last time he did that, Jongin was terrified.

Nothing seemed unusual at first. Mr. Lee safely drove like he always did, and Jongin daydreamed while looking through the window like he usually did. But then his sight caught a glimpse of a different road from what they usually went through to their home. They weren’t heading into a residential complex. It was another part of the city that he rarely went to.

“Mr. Lee, where are we going?”, Jongin asked from the seat behind.

“I’m going to drop you off at the restaurant Boss asked me to, Mr. Kim. I thought Boss already told you earlier”.

Of course, there would be no apparent communication between him and his dad in the state they were in. But why all of a sudden? Before he could even think further, several knots were twisted in his gut, giving him an uncomfortable feeling of anxiety and rage in an instant.

“Ah...I must have forgotten about it”, Jongin gave an excuse.

It was a luxury restaurant used for special and formal occasions. Dinner date, meeting with high-rank managers, lobbying influential person into a goal...and then there was a man in his late 40s who decided to talk with his almost-invisible son there.

What a fucking bonkers.

He could feel the seething embarrassment invaded his whole nervous system as he walked through the restaurant with a goddamn oversized black graphic tee and grey washout jeans, while everyone around him took at least more than 15 minutes to get dressed. He was directed into a table near the window. When he saw his dad already waiting for him, with the meals were served ready on the table, Jongin took a deep breath and squeezed the fabric of his jeans real tight.

There was no verbal greeting at all.

Mr. Kim only started to take his dining utensils and picked some side dishes. Jongin followed his act to stay silent and eat. His dad should be the one who spoke first. After all, he was the one who invited Jongin without any precautions before.

“How was college?”.

Finally, a freaking sentence.

“Good”, Jongin responded. “Exam just ended last week”.

Mr. Kim nodded. “When are you planning to return to the dance studio?”.

“Maybe next week”.

Jongin still didn’t bother to ask back.

After those two formality questions were brought to the table, there was a 10 minutes silence between them. If they were in their normal state, Jongin would already blabber about how frustrating it was for him to exercise again after four months of being dormant. Or about how he met Seulgi. He used to be very open to him, and now he just held his breath while building higher walls between them.

“You’ve recovered and seemed more energetic these days”, Mr. Kim said, before picking a slice of beef with his chopstick.

Jongin almost choked by the meal he chewed. He tried his best to stay calm by continue eating and asked his dad, “What about it?”.

“Do you perhaps have something you want in mind? Just to spoil yourself”.

For you to accept me and apologize to me, maybe? Isn’t that obvious?

They continued to eat in utter noiselessness, for the sound of conversations around them became blurry and insignificant. Jongin tried to think of any possible sugarcoated answer he could give to his dad. And the more he tried, the more he realized that he wasn’t raised that way by his parents.

“Why are we eating here, Dad? What are you going to say to me?”, Jongin finally blurted out, placing his chopsticks on his bowl. He couldn’t suppress into his chest anymore. This whole awkward situation was too baffling for him to comprehend. “It’s been tiring to get silent treatment from you when all I need during my lowest time is your support, and now you’re inviting me to eat in a restaurant, talk to me like we had nothing going on, and without even telling me beforehand? Let’s just cut the chase”.

As much as he already expected his one and only son to talk back to him, Mr. Kim was still taken aback. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and sighed in between. A part of Jongin’s behavior was affected by his wrongness too—he was fully aware of it.

So, he went through the work bag that he placed on the seat next to him. He then drew something from it, pushing it into Jongin’s side in a careful manner.

Jongin widened his eyes when his sight landed on that small, rectangular piece of black-colored plastic with shiny aluminum parts in between.

It was a car key.

Not the same as the one he crashed in that accident before. It was actually more expensive, as far as Jongin could recall.

“Mom and I will train you again if you’re still scared of driving”, Mr. Kim said, this time, while actually having real eye contact with Jongin.

Jongin bit the inner part of his cheeks. He just had this driving-again thought on the way to this restaurant, and his dad already gave him what he wanted. But when it comes to his dad’s acceptance, almost five months had passed, and nothing even budge.

Sometimes Jongin thought that this universe was a whole big fat joke to him.

“Have you ever considered about...what I actually want, Dad?”, Jongin controlled his tone to be low. “Or maybe to understand what I really feel?”.

Mr. Kim put his utensils down and folded his arms upon the table. He looked straight at Jongin and slightly tilted his head to the side. “I was asking you earlier, Jongin-ah. And you didn’t give me an answer”.

“You know what I’m talking about”, Jongin retorted. “You know the reason why we don’t talk for months”.

“Are you still angry at me for what I’ve said to you before?”.

Jongin stayed silent while manage to not drift his gaze away from his dad.

“Jongin-ah, everything that I told you, everything that I do for you all this time, is for your own good. I always want to raise you to be a good person. Never once flashed in my mind thought of harming you. At all”, Mr. Kim said in a soft intonation.

“Who am I attracted to will not change the fact that I’m still a good person, Dad. You just—”, his breath pace was accelerated. “My sexuality is all that matters? What about dancing? The whole medals and trophies? Going to Kyunghee? My good grades? How I always comply to Mom and you?”. There it went again, a familiar lump on his throat when he was about to cry.

“Calm down, Jongin-ah. I want to sort this thing out with you”.

“No, Dad. As long as you don’t accept me for who I am, nothing will be sorted out between us”.

Jongin took his bag and stood up in less than a second, causing a loud sound from the friction between the floor and his chair. His appetite plummeted and none of those dishes were delicious to his tastebud anymore. A lot of people were looking at him, but no fucks are available for him to give. He fled out of the restaurant. Mr. Kim caressed his face with both of his hands, a sigh escaped from between his lips.

Maybe the backlash of raising Jongin into a determined man with burning passion included that someday, Jongin would know too well about what he exactly wanted—and no one is allowed to interfere with his way.

Even if it’s his own parents.

~***~

Jongin ran into the small alley about ten or twelve buildings after that restaurant. After he made sure that no one but him was present there, Jongin dragged his body to the ground and sank his head into the space between his knees.

I can’t cry, I shouldn’t cry. He repeatedly told himself those words because he was on the verge of tears.

But his own eyes betrayed him by rolling the first tear from the corner, and Jongin was incapable of stopping another one from coming. Jongin hated how the understanding, lovely dad he once knew had vanished into a stoic, harsh man just because of the way he was attracted to another human being. It wasn’t like he could choose the way he was. When Jongin first realized that he preferred both boys and girls, the first thought he had was to keep it all to himself until the day he dies. He knew how unaccepting the world he lived in if he openly shared this fraction of him with everyone else. And he was right. Even his own dad still didn’t want to understand that his preference and his feelings were valid.

He let himself cry for a few minutes. There was no way that crying will solve all his problems, Jongin knew. However, it was a bit relieving that the lump he felt earlier slowly evaporating through his tears.

Jongin pulled his phone out from his pocket to see the time. 19:15. The sun was just about to set. He scrolled through his Kakaotalk, finding someone that he could talk to about this matter at this time. It had to be someone who already knew what he was going through with his father because Jongin didn’t feel like explaining shit anymore.

And he realized that only one person fit his criteria.

The next thing he did was to stand up again, wiped his cheek, and cleared his throat to return his normal, stable voice. He didn’t even waver to press the call button.

The person picked up after a long wait.

“Hello, Jongin?”.

“Hey, Seulgi. Where are you right now?”.

~***~

Seulgi kept her phone away from her ear after she heard the disconnected tone. Seungwan and Joohyun, who was sitting right in front of her, halt their conversation to shift their gaze to Seulgi again.

“Who was that?”, Joohyun asked before she rolled her spaghetti with her fork.

“It...was...”. Seulgi put her phone back in her sling bag. She realized that both of her friends didn’t know about Jongin, yet. “My friend”.

“Which friend?”, this time, Seungwan was the one who asked. Seulgi sighed. There was no way that she could hide this thing from Seungwan and Joohyun forever.

“Remember my Vault project?”, Seulgi told them. She was a bit distracted by the sound of the ringing bell from the front door of this cafe, and her nervousness didn’t help at all. “Uh...I...actually...made a friend from there...so...”.

“Wait, is he that Kai guy?”, Seungwan’s eyes were already widened.

“Who’s Kai? Why didn’t I know anything about it?”, Joohyun raised her tone slightly.

“It’s a long story, okay? And his actual name is Jongin, by the way”. Seulgi took a sip of her mojito. “He...he wants to meet me tonight”.

Seungwan furrowed her eyebrows. “All of the sudden?”

“Yeah...”. Seulgi really wished that both of them could stop asking about Jongin. She wasn’t used to telling them about her crush—because it was a once in a blue moon moment for her. At the same time, she also didn’t have the heart to stop them.

“Are you both...”, Joohyun tapped both of her index fingers in front of her face. “...hooking up or something?”.

“No!”, Seulgi quickly refuted. “We—we are friends, okay? Casual friends. Platonic. Just like us three”. An increased flow of blood rushed into her face and Seulgi was convinced she could even boil a cup of tea from it.

“Then why is he asking you to meet him at this hour?”, Joohyun still wasn’t satisfied.

“Something happened to him and...he just wants me to listen”.

“Ah, the typical listener-to-lover cliche”, Seungwan nodded her head. “You told me before that you like him”.

“I do, and stop asking about it”.

Both Joohyun and Seungwan laughed along due to their best friend’s embarrassed and awkward expression.

“Let’s make a bet, Seungwan-ah. I bet Seulgi will be friend zoned again by this Jongin guy”.

“Again?! Excuse me?!”, Seulgi interfered before Seungwan could reply.

“Okay, and I bet Seulgi will get what she wants this time”, Seungwan smirked and offer her hand to be high-fived by Joohyun. “What should the winner get?”.

“How does a day of three meals sound to you? Could be from anywhere you want, no limited price”.

“Sounds good for me. Deal?”.

“Deal”. They both finally high-fived and giggled afterward.

“You guys really make a bet about my love life right in front of my face. ‘Supportive’ friends, I might say”, Seulgi snorted.

“Doesn’t mean that I won’t kick him in the ass if he dared to play with you”, Joohyun shrugged her shoulders.

Seulgi stayed motionless for a few seconds before she picked up her chopstick again. Secretly, she flashed a small smile upon her face, knowing that her friends will always have her back (even though it was masked by sarcastic behavior, sometimes).

~***~

The minimarket near Seulgi’s flat was where she told Jongin to wait while she hung out with Joohyun and Seungwan. A five minutes’ walk after she got off the subway, Seulgi belatedly saw that very bright white luminescence a few meters before her eyes. She stepped into the store to find Jongin sat on one of the high chairs with a bottle of water and an empty ramen cup on the table. 

“Hey”, she greeted him first, causing Jongin to look away from his phone. “Did you wait for long?”.

“No, that’s fine”, Jongin smiled. “Any suggestion where should we go?”.

Seulgi rested her elbow on the table and hummed. “I...thought you said that you were going to my flat?”.

“Oh, right. Come on, let’s go”. Jongin stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder.

While they were walking side to side, Seulgi couldn’t hold herself to ask something baffling that she saw from Jongin.

“Were you crying?”.

Jongin chewed on his lower lip before he answered. “Is that really obvious?”.

“Not for some people, yes for me”. 

“Excellent observation, Seulgi”.

They went inside the building and took an elevator to the 10th floor. Seulgi turned to her left while Jongin followed behind her. In front of room number 1015, Seulgi stopped and shifted around to face Jongin.

“Look away”.

“What?”.

“I’m gonna input my passcode. You have to look away”.

Jongin rotated his body and chuckled. “I don’t have a reason to breach into your flat anyway”.

“Just in case someday you have a reason to”. The door chimed a beep sound. Seulgi opened it, turned on the light, and walked in, while Jongin closed the door behind him.

“How does it feel to live alone?”. Jongin took a seat at Seulgi’s couch while his head was busy looking left and right. “Is it good? Do you like it?”.

Seulgi took a bottle of water from her fridge and two glasses from her cabinet. “So much. Except the cleaning and laundry part”. She set herself next to Jongin. Pouring the water into each of the glass, Seulgi questioned him. “Did you go to the gym earlier?”.

“Yeah, and then...”, Jongin threw himself into the couch’s back and closed his eyes. “Mr. Lee brought me to my dad”.

“What? Why?!”.

“My dad waited for me at the restaurant...to talk with me, I guess? I don’t know, he sounded like this AI robot that is programmed to feel empathy when you know that manmade machine won’t be able to feel it”. He wasn’t sure if that was a fair depiction of what happened or his mind was already so tainted with negativity. But a minuscule part of his heart sank right after those words rolled from his tongue—knowing that he wanted to love his Dad so bad like he did before. 

“Is it...regarding that...you know...”.

“How he still doesn’t accept me? Correct”, Jongin rubbed his eyes and sighed. “It didn’t stop there. He tried to gain my respect by giving me a new car? Like, okay, I need that too, but did he know that acceptance and apology are priceless?”.

Seulgi froze in her seat, eyes all locked at Jongin from his side. She didn’t grow up in a super-rich family like Jongin, but at least, her parents never failed to provide food on the table and a roof above their head. Even so, she thought it would be nice if she was indulged in the luxury of buying clothes without seeing the price tags or not having to compare which PC is cheaper to save some money. Although Jongin wasn’t the first person she witnessed who proved that _money isn’t everything_ phrase is right, it felt much more personal this time due to the close bond they had formed.

“Did he...say something harsh to you?”.

“Nope. He didn’t yell at me. But his words...were just...”. The white ceiling greeted him after he opened his eyes. “Fucking unforgettable. Never mean to harm me or shit, he said. But he constantly invalidating my feelings and shove away the fact that I’m much more than my sexuality”. 

Seulgi hesitated to push her hand at first. But a small pat on Jongin’s shoulder won’t do any worse, as she thought more of it. So, she scooted closer to him and threw some pats into his shoulder, squeezed it softly in between.

“Do you have anything in mind that will help you solve this matter?”, she said, hand still on Jongin’s shoulder.

Jongin leaned the side of his face to Seulgi’s hand. When their skin touched, a wave of electricity passed through Seulgi’s veins. _Shit, shit, shit._ Pulling her hand won’t be the best option now. 

“Complete my study as quickly as possible, do something for a living, and move out of that house. What do you think? I have no short-term idea to face this problem anymore”, Jongin pouted. “This is not a side that I can pick. I know that I’ll be attracted to boys and girls throughout my life and I can’t stop it”.

“I know, Jongin. But what are you gonna do when you’re still under the same roof as them? Let’s be realistic, it will take two years at least until you graduate”. 

The touch on Jongin’s shoulder was gone when Seulgi placed her elbow on top of the couch’s back and held her face with her palm. But Jongin liked it. The way someone he trusted giving a small act of physical comfort to him. So, he directed Seulgi’s hand into his shoulder again, gaining a dazed look from the girl in front of him.

“As if there is another option than just to suck it up, huh”, he grunted. “Two years...yeah, seems like a long time to endure shits I hate”. 

Seulgi let a heavy breath escaped from her lips while her hand still caressed Jongin’s shoulder lightly. “That must be very hard for you”.

Jongin nodded. There was a surge of chills around his neck that he usually recognized as one of the small signs that happened before he cried. This time, Jongin really exert the fullest force he could to dried all the tears because hell no, he didn’t want Seulgi to see him cry. It was not because Seulgi didn’t deserve to see him in his weak state, but he didn’t want to pass any more negative emotions to her.

So instead, he told Seulgi, “Don’t leave me”.

“What?”.

“Don’t leave me. As long as I exist. I know I can count on you”.

_As long as I exist._

She hated how those words sounded like a freaking proposal to her just because Jongin, the guy she had a crush on, was the one who said it—at the same time that she liked the way Jongin didn’t want to be separated from her. Of course, she was aware that those were caged in a friendly context. Seulgi was so close to grab her phone and call Joohyun that she just won the bet.

Instead, Seulgi smiled at Jongin and nodded. 

“Yeah. You can”.

Jongin flashed the widest smile since they met tonight on his face. He stood up and pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket, casually scrolling through his screen while Seulgi tried to figure out his next move.

That tall guy placed his phone on the small desk in front of the couch, and not a second after, a soft, classical musical instrument played from within. 

“Would you dance with me?”, Jongin offered his hand to Seulgi as he bowed slightly, still with an undetached smile. 

Seulgi raised her eyebrow and nervously chuckled. “W-what is this? Why...I mean...in this tiny space?”.

“I can improvise and teach you. Come on”.

And what other answers Seulgi could give other than yes?

She stood up, taking Jongin’s hand into hers. There wasn’t enough room for two humans to dance unobstructed inside Seulgi’s flat, but Jongin proved his words just right. The space between their bodies shrunk when Jongin scooted closer to her. He then placed Seulgi’s left hand on his shoulder before putting his own hand on her waist.

Seulgi pushed her body backward reflexively, resulted in Jongin to laughed and pulled his hand away. “Why? Are you ticklish?”.

“I...”, Seulgi hummed while changing her gaze direction every less than a second. _Nervous?_ She sighed. “Right, don’t touch it. Just...leave a small space”.

Rather than following what Seulgi requested, Jongin pinched the part of her shirt around her waist. “Follow me”.

Seulgi pushed her chin upward to get a clearer view of Jongin’s face as she was only on his neck level. He was smiling, and god damn, Seulgi swore his smile looked a million times better when they were this close. 

“Step to your right. Again. Again”, he said while moving to his left. Seulgi swung her feet as he demanded. 

“Now to the back”. 

Being distracted that she was, Seulgi missed a millisecond from Jongin and ended up almost getting stepped by him. “Sorry!”, she quickly exclaimed and clutched Jongin’s shoulder tighter. 

“That’s okay, now mirror my moves”.

They danced along with the song that was playing on Jongin’s phone.Seulgi almost knocked her table a few times for an apparent reason that she was no better dancer than Jongin. This flat brimmed with a compound of songs and laughter, with some misalignments of motions in between.

Seulgi continued to sway around to the right a couple times and to the back before they distanced from each other with intertwined hands. When Jongin rolled back at the same rhythm as Seulgi, he purposively took a larger step so he can narrow their gap before he circled his right arm on Seulgi’s slender waist. He leaned closer to the girl in front of him instead. This time, Seulgi flinched, but she wasn’t able to oppose.

The music was still running, their movements stopped. Both of them could hear their breathing pace and felt the way their chest raised and sunk in accordance. Jongin was reigned by a voice behind his head to erase the space between their faces, and as much as he wanted to do it, he was afraid it will turn improper. 

The term improper described how his act will be conflicted with one of his existing values: to not kiss someone he wasn’t in love with. Until now, he stayed firm to that and never made an exception for anyone. 

For the very lopsided meaning between admiring and loving that he perceived from all of his experiences, he knew that he admired Seulgi, but to be in love with her? 

Jongin smiled at Seulgi while slowly drifting his torso apart from her.

“That was great”, he stated. “I feel much better”.

Seulgi, too, disjoined her arms from Jongin’s shoulder. Her initial smile turned into a chuckle. “That was so random, huh?”.

“You enjoyed it too”. Jongin took a glass of water from the table and gulped it quickly. He paused the music before putting his phone back in his pocket.

“Will be a lie if I say I don’t”. Seulgi and Jongin came to sit again on the couch, their gazes were unwavering from each other. Somehow, the temporary silence provided an amenity for them to be engulfed with. 

Their chatters continue for some more hours until Jongin realized that it was getting really dark outside. The arrow on Seulgi’s clock pointed to 10 and 4. Almost half-past ten. The subway and monorail will have their last operation at 11. 

“Oh my, it’s already so late. Sorry for taking up your time, Seulgi. I should go home now”, he said, taking his sling bag to his shoulder and stood up.

“Wait there”. Seulgi dashed into her wardrobe. Her hand shuffled through the hanging clothes while her eyes were busy selecting which one suited the mental figure she had in mind. 

_There it goes._

She took a grey jacket that was unmistakably too big for her body. It was her brother’s jacket that she secretly stole from his wardrobe because she liked it a lot. His brother went to the military service before she went to college. Now that he already came back, he probably discerned that a piece of clothing was missing from his wardrobe, but Seulgi hasn’t received any call from her brother until now, for that matter. So she assumed that this jacket had transferred ownership to her. 

“Wear this. It’s cold outside”. Seulgi pushed that jacket into Jongin’s torso. 

Jongin felt the soft, thick fabric was touching his palm, and he chuckled. “I should be the one who gives you my jacket when it’s cold”.

“No, it should depend on who has the jacket and who needs the jacket”.

He stretched his arms and hovered the jacket on his body. The shoulder was a bit small for him, but the rest of the measurements were sufficient. “Whose jacket is this? Yours?”.

“My brother”, she replied. “I stole it from him. But don’t steal it from me, okay? I like it so much”. Jongin nodded as he pulled the zipper up. 

Seulgi walked him to the front door, where Jongin held onto the wall as he put his sneakers back on. 

“Thank you so much, Seulgi”, he stood back and smiled widely at Seulgi. His lips, eyes, the soft crinkles around his temple, and his eyebrows told Seulgi everything about a sincere bliss. 

“Take care, okay? Get home safely”, she tapped on his arm a couple times.Seulgi thought that day she couldn’t get any happier than this state she was in. She contributed to Jongin’s happiness, and the idea alone was already warmed her heart—let alone to actually do the thing. 

But she proved herself wrong when Jongin pulled her into a big hug.

Jongin circled his arms around Seulgi’s small figure while tenderly stroking her back with his hands. He liked how their height difference enabled the top of Seulgi’s head to precisely touched his chin. When Seulgi made way for her hands to return his hug, he smiled even wider. Maybe a hug would not magically vanish all of his problems, but he liked how serene and tranquil his mind at that moment. 

_Finally, a short break after being lunged by a catastrophe._

He broke the hug by pulling himself away from her. “I’ll go now”.

Seulgi’s face was still as red as a tomato, and her mind was still as messy as her work desk. This guy was really something else. How dare he told her about the most fragile part of himself, asked her to dance, smiled pleasingly, hugged her, and now asking permission to go home? What if she had no self-control and asked him to stay for the night instead?

“Yeah, see you again”, was the closest vocabulary Seulgi could say to put her feelings into words. She didn’t want to say goodbye to the permanent context that word held. 

When Jongin walked away from her door, she stared at his back, hoping that this would be just a fleeting moment before she could see him again. 

The term drunk in love was no longer suitable for her. She was completely _wasted_ in love.


	10. Like Me, Like Me Not

Two minutes past seven in the morning, it marked the twenty-fourth hour since the last time Jongin drifted off to sleep.

Jongin tried everything to make himself feel sleepy. From practicing slow-paced breath. Counting the sheep. Reading his most boring academic textbook. But his mind wouldn’t cooperate by kept echoing the two highlights from that day.

The fucked-up conversation between him and his Dad, and the cherished memory of him danced and hugged Seulgi afterward.

The ambivalence of those two events was intense enough to keep his brain awake, no matter how tired his body was.

At 4 AM, Jongin gave up. He thought maybe during the day, he would finally be able to sleep when his body wanted to shut down. He went through his closet next to his room to try on many outfits, put on light makeup, and took some pictures of himself. At least, he still can feel good about his appearance amid the swirling chaotic emotional state he was in.

Jongin was about to head downstairs to refill his water bottle in the morning. He was two steps into the stairs when he heard his parents conversed in unpleasant intonation in the dining room.

“When will you take the car?”, Jongin heard his Mom’s voice, almost inaudibly.

He stepped back from the stairs and sat on the corner, his back facing the wooden fence while he eavesdropped.

“You go with him this afternoon to the dealer”. That was his Dad. The metal spoon and fork clattered with the ceramic plate after that.

For the next ten seconds, no one voiced something. Then Jongin heard his Mom replied,

“Is it really hard for you to understand that he is sensitive? He’s been holding everything back because he was scared. The least you can do is being a father that he resents”.

Jongin tightened his clench on his water bottle.

“We already have this conversation too many times. I just want him to be normal and good, nothing else”.

“He is my son too, and I have the right to say he is perfectly normal. He is talented, he is kind, and he is the most perfect son we could ever have”, an austere tone can be heard from his Mom’s sentence. “I’ll take him with me if you don’t change your mind”.

Everyone in the house froze right after that statement slipped from Jongin’s Mom’s lips.

“Which part of wanting the best of himself that you don’t understand?”.

“While dismissing what he really feels? It’s not the best for him, it’s the best for you. How selfish you could be as his father?”. She then continued, “Do you think he keeps it as a secret for his whole life because he trusts us? No. He didn’t. He was afraid to get rejected, to get screamed at, yet you’re making his worst fear come true”.

His Dad stayed wordless.

“I’ll go from this house and take him with me if you don’t do anything about this. My decision is final”.

His Mom didn’t even scream her lungs out saying those words, and that’s where Jongin found the irony. A calmer voice from her Mom made him horrified to the bone more than the yell of his Dad a few months back.

He thought his forced coming-out moment to his parents was the worst aftermath that could happen. But to have his parents separated because of him? Even worse.

Jongin didn’t feel so thirsty suddenly. He came back to his room and threw himself to the bed, curled his body under the blanket. This time, no tears were coming—maybe he was too damn dehydrated or exhausted to produce some. It was just slow breath and some heavy sighs in between.

HowJongin really wished that the accident five months ago would just kill him instead.

~***~

Coming back to the dance studio gave Jongin a double amount of nervousness. First, he had to have many people lay their eyes on him when he danced again, after five months of not doing so.

Second, _Oh Sehun._ The source of his uneasiness wasn’t coming from his own feelings but from his inability to calculate Sehun’s possible moves. Would Sehun just ignore him? Or to act like nothing ever happened? Or to act friendly towards him? No single clue was available for him to digest.

Many of Jongin’s friends greeted him with an excited high-pitched shout and swarmed over him in an instant when he first stepped into the room. Their energy was contagious to him. Jongin found himself laughing along with them while answering some questions, _are you really okay now? Will your legs be broken again? Why it took you so long to recover?_

There were some new ones among all the faces, seen from how they just sat while whispering to each other during the noisy welcome-back moment. But none of them was Sehun. _Maybe he is late._

Right after he assured himself, the door was opened to unveil the face he had been looking for.

Sehun.

His hair was a bit longer than what Jongin last remembered, and his cheek was getting chubbier.

Jongin and Sehun were merely best friends in their friends’ eyes. And Jongin didn’t want to give them the opposite idea.

So, when Sehun smiled and approached him, Jongin had to smile back. When Sehun pulled him into a hug and patted his back a few times, Jongin had to return it back too.

He could hear his throbbing heartbeat while wishing that Sehun couldn’t.

“Welcome back”, Sehun’s smile matched with the friendly tone in his voice.

Jongin gulped.

Sehun used to have the same scent with him due to their matching perfumes, and now he didn’t, anymore.

Before it went too far, Jongin split their hug. He didn’t reply to Sehun’s greeting with words. Only with a smile.

Jongin hated how his short interaction with Sehun meddled with his concentration during the training afterward. It was easy for him to remember which body part he should coordinate, but then he would get distracted and ended up lagging behind. He randomly remembered that he and Sehun were placed in the center of the formation one time in the competition. There was a part where the other dancers paused, so Sehun and Jongin’s movements were the only ones that can be seen. Jongin still could hear the blaring cheer from the spectators and see the smirk Sehun threw at him when they had to face each other at the end.

That freaking smirk, the same one that he witnessed before Sehun tickled him aggressively during that one movie night—

_Shut up, shut up, shut up._

It was a long day of practice with their coach. The sun had already down when it was over. Jongin straight off grabbed his sling bag as his mind was fully occupied with his next mission: talking with Sehun. But the guy he was looking for was already nowhere to be seen. Pacing his feet as fast as he could, Jongin escaped from the room.

His head was busy rotating to left and right, only to be interrupted by a voice so recognizable from behind his head.

“Jongin-ah”.

There he was, the one that he had been waiting to talk for since this afternoon. Turned out that Sehun was waiting for him too, back rested on the wall, arms folded in front of his chest.

“Hey”, Jongin greeted him. Sehun smiled and patted Jongin’s arm a few times. They walked side by side, shoulders nearly touching each other. “You good?”.

As much as Jongin hated small talk, he didn’t have any other option. What kind of conversation should he have with his ex, who hasn’t talk with him for a few months? A dialogue of how fucked up he felt for the first month after they broke up? Absolutely no.

“I’m good”. Sehun turned his face to Jongin. “Exam just ended last week. I have more time to do more useless things”.

“Like...counting how much the word ‘and’ appeared in your textbook?”.

Sehun laughed along with Jongin. “You still remembered that one, huh”.

“No way I could forget that”.

“Nah, I’m more into sleeping now. I can’t fight the biological process of aging”.

“So you just admit how old you’ve become”, Jongin put both of his hands into his pants pocket.

“Said the one who was born three months before me?”, Sehun raised one of his eyebrows when he looked at him. Jongin pulled his right hand out to the air to pretend he yanked him, which gained another chuckle from Sehun.

“Jongin-ah”.

“Yes?”.

“Are you...really alright now?”. Sehun diverted his eyes down to Jongin’s legs.

Jongin smiled, before he raised his left leg and shook it a couple times. “Didn’t you see me before? While practicing? I’m ready to sweep your name down and snatch the top dancer title again. Watch out for that”.

A tiny smile molded upon Sehun’s visage.

“I was wondering if we can catch up on our lives this weekend”.

There he went, another knot in his gut. Jongin stopped walking in the middle of the lobby, and Sehun followed his gesture.

“I know things had been rough between us”, Sehun stated. “I just want to hear how you have been when we’re away”.

“Why did you never text me, then?”.

“It’s...I feel bad for us, Jongin. I was afraid that you resent me...and I’ll just make things worse by jumping into your life again. The safest way I could think for us is to give you space”.

The part when Sehun assumed that he resented him was wrong. He didn’t hate Sehun. He just hated the way that both of them were not intended to be together. But the latter part when Sehun told him that space is what Jongin needed was right. He thought that the best way to hasten his move on progress was to avoid contact in any form with Sehun.

“Let’s talk about it in more detail later”, Jongin finally answered after having some thoughts for himself. “Text me the location. This Saturday, right?”.

“Right”.

“Alright, good”.

Just as Jongin turned his back to Sehun to walk away, he caught Sehun’s voice shouting his name once again.

“Jongin-ah!”.

Jongin looked back at Sehun. “What?”.

“See you this Saturday”.

Sehun smiled at him, and both of his eyes were crinkled up into fine lines. He hadn’t seen that smile for a while, and today he was reminded again of how he used to do anything to make Sehun smiled. Because he loved to see him happy.

But it was all in the past, and Jongin knew he didn’t have any obligation for Sehun’s happiness anymore. It was just a mere smile. An expression of politeness. Nothing else.

So, he smiled back and waved his hand at him.

“See you too, Sehun”.

~***~

What was the best-unexpected thing that could happen to anyone?

If Seulgi was asked that question, her answer would be waking up to have 10 million dollars in her bank account.

But that answer only lasted until the second weekend of July.

She was walking in Itaewon after meeting some of her friends and intended to take a subway to her flat. It was nearly 10 PM. Her friends offered her to hop into a bar and have a couple drinks, but Seulgi refused. She didn’t really feel like drinking that night. So, she bid goodbye and went a separate way from her friends. The night was getting colder. Her crop top with her mini skirt didn’t help to ignite heat at all, indeed.

At first, Seulgi thought the person she saw was just another 6 feet man with perfect posture, broad shoulder, and tanned skin, walking beside a man with a similar height to him. There should be a lot of men with the said physical characteristics in South Korea, right? Coupled with the fact that she was in Itaewon, the melting pot district in Seoul.

But when their gap was narrowed down, and she saw his face, she brushed off any other possibilities she formed two seconds ago.

“Jongin!”.

Meeting her crush so suddenly without any appointment or such beforehand was the best-unexpected thing that could happen to her at that time.

Jongin stirred his gaze to Seulgi before he widened his eyes, face lightened up with a wide grin.

“Seulgi!”, he stopped walking to face Seulgi. “Hey, what’s up? Having a great night?”.

“Yeah, of course. Just hanging out with my friends”, she told him. From this close, Seulgi noticed that Jongin wore thin makeup. His acne scars weren’t evident, the ends of his eyebrows were slightly more defined, and a soft shade of brown was brushed on his lid.

“Ah, that’s why you haven’t replied to my text earlier?”, Jongin pouted.

“Oh...I...”, _shit, why did he look so cute while he is demanding like this?_ “You texted me? I haven’t really seen my phone yet. I’ll reply later, okay?”.

A smile and nod from Jongin were enough to tell Seulgi the answer.

“Are you...going home now?”.

“Yep. And you? With your friend?”.

“Eh...this is...”, Jongin tapped on Sehun’s arm once. “Sehun”.

What was the worst unexpected thing that could happen to anyone?

If Seulgi was asked that question, her answer would be spotting her crush hanging out with his ex and introduced him to her.

For a slight second that Seulgi hoped Jongin wouldn’t notice, her jaw was dragged down, bringing both corners of her lips into a frown right after Jongin mentioned this fine gentleman’s name. But she fixed it faster than the speed of light, bringing the brightest smile she could form into her face.

“Hi, Sehun! Nice to meet you!”.

Sehun smiled back at her, and they shook hands.

“Hi, Seulgi. Nice to meet you too”. The grip of his hand was firm and warm. Seulgi pulled her hand away first from him.

There are two unquestionable things that she could confirm at that time. First, Sehun was dangerously handsome. Porcelain-fair skin, jet-black hair, sharp chin, thick eyebrows, broad shoulder—he fits every man’s desired body features with no flaw. Second, she knew Jongin would agree on this matter.

So, she slowly shifted her eyes to Jongin and raised her eyebrows.

_You’re hanging out with him?! Your ex?_

Jongin winked at her.

_Yes._

“I think I...should...go home now”, her voice was getting feebler towards the end of the sentence. “See you soon! Have fun, you both”. She made sure she looked Sehun in the eye just to make sure he wasn’t being neglected by her.

“Bye, Seulgi!”, Jongin waved at her as Seulgi kept walking. “Reply my text!”.

“Yeah, later!”, Seulgi shouted and turned her head to the back.

Even when Jongin’s smile was evident, she was distracted by how Sehun put his arm around Jongin’s back.

She let a deep sigh escaped. It was funny when she knew from the start that she had very little chance of winning Jongin’s heart, but instead, she chose to push in.

Sitting on the subway’s seat, Seulgi was looking into her phone. A few hours earlier, they were talking about some movies. The last text Jongin sent was him asking Seulgi to watch together later. Her eagerness for replying to Jongin’s text dropped below zero, and she swiped their chatroom away to left it on read. _His text could wait. My emotions couldn’t._

She knew, there would be a discrepancy thinner than a thread between what should be called friendly and flirty. But it baffled Seulgi how Jongin could act really nice and all to her without hinting any single clue about his feelings towards her. Telling her something about him that less than 10 persons in the world know? Running towards her first right after he had a fight with his Dad? Praising her talent? All the small touches Jongin made while they were together?

Or maybe Jongin just never had and developed any feelings towards her initially, and she was just caught up in her own bubble of expectations.

Or maybe Seulgi was just a rebound, and all the statements Jongin made before about his feelings towards Sehun were lies.

She looked up into her group chat with Seungwan and Joohyun. Without further hesitation, her fingers ran through the screen, and she typed,

_“Joohyun just win the bet. Congratulations”._

~***~

“I haven’t been to this place for so long”, Jongin initiated the conversation between him and Sehun after one full minute of muteness. The cold wind stroked the skin of his face and glided his straight black hair to the back. Unfolded right in front of their eyes was a stream with the steady tide, almost soundless.

This place resulted from Jongin and Sehun’s aimless wandering during a cold night last October after watching a gig. It wasn’t wholly secluded from the city’s bustle but quiet enough to have an uninterrupted conversation.

Sehun tapped his right and left heels without a clear pattern against the tall stone wall they were sitting on. “So...you spent your time mostly at home?”.

“I’ve only been walking around since last month”, Jongin replied. “Before that, it was all about home, college, and hospital”.

“That sounds so boring”.

“I know. Thank goodness I recovered”.

Sehun shifted his face to Jongin. There was no sight of hatred or grudge painted on Jongin’s face since the first time they meet after five months until now. It contrasted to the last face he saw that night when they settled that everything was over. No, not _they_ —it was solely _his_ decision, then he pushed Jongin to comply with it.

“I’m glad that you’re doing well”, Sehun’s voice softened. “I was...worried about you”.

When Jongin took a glance at Sehun, he acknowledged that this part of Sehun didn’t change. His fingers will fidget right after or before he confessed what he felt. Jongin thought that it was because they just dated at first, but even after a year of relationship, and after they broke up, Sehun remain consistent.

“Actually, I’m not really doing good”, Jongin raised his right leg to his chin level as he hugged it. “Too much chaos happened after, and I haven’t cleaned up the mess yet”.

“Chaos like?”.

“My parents know about us”.

What Jongin just uttered enlarged Sehun’s eyes in disbelief. “What?”.

“They found our polaroid after the accident”, Jongin sighed. “Long story short, I came out, Dad yelled at me, Mom’s on my side, and now they’re on the verge of being separated”.

Turns out that Jongin was just too good at masking the uproar inside his mind.

“I’m sorry that happened to you”, Sehun couldn’t find any better comforting words because action will speak more volume on this occasion. He then caressed Jongin’s shoulder a few times.

“The world is harsh when you didn’t fit the standard, isn’t it?”. As much as he hated crying, Jongin was still bewildered by the fact that he didn’t have the urge to cry this time. No lump in his throat, no shortness of breath, no chills on his fingertips. Nothing. He was numb.

It was a rhetorical question, so, Sehun didn’t answer.

“You know how close I was with my Dad”, Jongin continued. “But just by a flick of a hand, he turned into a stranger. Now my Mom insisted on taking me with her if Dad didn’t do anything to forgive me. I don’t know, Sehun. I never wanted any of this shit to happen”.

“So, you haven’t really had the talk with your Dad after you came out?”.

“We did. But that was so fucked up. He still wants me to be ‘normal’ and such. I feel no use talking with him again if being straight is what he wants from me”.

Jongin, that spoiled rich kid. When they first got to know each other, Sehun was envious to the core, knowing that there was someone in this world who got everything on his side. Jongin grew up in a household with almost unlimited money. The exposure to different cultures and language when he was young made him has a lot more knowledge than ordinary people of his age. He was showered with an abundance of love from both of his parents, which led him to develop his talent in a proper way.

But as time went by, Sehun realized that he already put Jongin on a pedestal. Jongin, just like him, wasn’t perfect at all. Jongin’s mood staggered in a manner which Sehun sometimes felt overwhelmed to deal with. Not to mention that being a prodigy generated an uncanny level of perfectionist trait inside him. It burnt him out many times, and Sehun was affected too as the person he was closest with.

Now the tables had turned on Jongin’s side, Sehun felt bad for him. Really, really bad.

He then scooted closer to leave a narrower space between their legs. “I don’t think I should give you advice, no? I’ll keep listening”.

“That’s better. I don’t need advice”, Jongin beamed. “Thanks, Sehun”.

“I’m the one who should say it”.

“For what?”.

There he went again, fidgeting his fingers on the fabric of his jeans.

“I...I was haunted by the possibility of you hating me. I thought you would blame me for everything that happened. But you didn’t”.

“How could I? It wasn’t your fault that I drove so recklessly that night”.

“No, Jongin. Not the accident. When I told you that I can’t continue our relationship anymore”.

Jongin shrugged his shoulder. “I mean...of course I was mad at first. Then what? I will make things even worse if I force you to stay, and nothing will change even if you feel bad about it too, Sehun”.

That’s what he needed. A closure to withdraw the burden that he purposively put on his shoulder. Maybe the love had long gone, but Sehun was sure a particular part of his heart always respect Jongin no matter what relationship they were in.

“You’re really something else”, Sehun bumped Jongin’s leg with his.

“Should I take that positively or negatively?”.

“Figure it out, smartass”.

By the way Sehun grinned, Jongin knew Sehun meant for the former. So, he returned the nudge into Sehun’s legs, and they both chuckled.

Sehun then reached for Jongin’s hair, fingers tousled through the soft strands. “Told you that you suit undercuts the best”.

Jongin hadn’t broken his learned pattern to smile and blushed every time Sehun lay his finger on him, even though this time he knew he shouldn’t do it. He elbowed Sehun’s arm and said, “I bet you haven’t cut your hair for six months?”.

“Does it look that long?”, Sehun asked back before he ruffled own his hair and grinned. “I’m lazy to cut it. This looks better on me, right?”.

“Honestly, no”.

“Thanks, I appreciate your honesty”.

Laughter broke from both of them, following Sehun’s sarcasm.

“Are you sleepy yet?”, Sehun raised his left wrist below his eye level. Almost 11 PM.

“Nope”. Jongin closed his eyes and sunk his head into Sehun’s shoulder. “I’m not sleepy”.

Sehun knew best not to dodge Jongin’s head away as he was hinting a desire to be pampered. Instead, he patted Jongin’s head with his other hand. His tummy used to be roamed with butterflies whenever Jongin was obvious about his spoiled trait, but then months ago, the tingling spark was gone. And Sehun had to ask himself again: why? Why was it gone?

Because right at this moment when he could hear the sound of Jongin’s breath and held the weight of his head on his shoulder, he started to grew the exact same imprint—even after he made it clear that both of them were not tied anymore.

_It was just a moment of weakness, Sehun._

“Sehun-ah”, Jongin called.

“Hmm?”.

The heaviness on Sehun’s shoulder gradually decreased as Jongin raised his head again. “How did I act towards you after we confessed to each other back then?”.

Sehun raised his right eyebrow in confusion. “What’s with this question?”.

Lowering his gaze into the pair of sneakers he was wearing, Jongin chew on his lower lip. “Just answer it first, okay?”.

“Ah... you’re currently seeing someone, I see”.

A vague smile was coming out from Jongin instead of words.

Sehun rested both of his hands behind his hips. He hummed as he recalled the moment before they dated. Their relationship started off strange, as Sehun didn’t want to reveal any drop of his feelings towards Jongin first. He concealed everything by pushing Jongin away until he couldn’t resist the feeling of being separated from him anymore. Jongin, in contrast, was being clear as a bell with his hints. He kept coming back to Sehun every time Sehun closed the door for him.

“You started to tell me things you never told anyone before”, Sehun turned around to see Jongin. “I mean, you’re quite friendly with everyone while you also stay secretive”.

“And what else?”.

“You weren’t that subtle when it comes to touch. You did this...”, Sehun tucked his own bangs to the back of his hair. “And this...”, he cupped his own cheeks. “And never forget the time when you held my hand in public”.

Jongin chuckled for the memory of him holding hands with Sehun in public for the first time ever resurrected into his mind. They got many stares from people for an apparent reason: men showing affection in public space weren’t reinforced in their country’s society. But Jongin was too in love to give a damn about what those strangers thought.

“Also, remember when I had a shitty exam week, and you stay in to accompany me studying? Making me coffee, waking me up, buying me foods, tidying my desk...and we were not even dating back then, yet”, Sehun folded his arms in front of his chest. “Or when I gave you a playlist, then the next week you already memorized almost all the lyrics? Helping me find the rare figurines I had been looking for?”.

“Yeah...I do remember all of that”.

“That was when I knew you weren’t playing around”.

_I used to love Sehun that much._

“So? Who is this guy or girl, if I may ask?”.

It should be an easy question for Jongin. There was only one name, and one face popped right into his mind.

“I’ll tell you later if everything goes smoothly”, Jongin smirked.

But the idea of telling his ex about the person he was close with, even if they were on good terms, didn’t sit right with him.

Sehun nodded his head.

He just witnessed how Jongin turned secretive, just like when they first knew each other’s name. That was loud enough for him to strengthen the reality that at this moment, he and Jongin were nothing but friends. After all, it wasn’t Jongin’s fault. He was the one who let him go, and Jongin did the right thing by moving on from someone who pushed him away.

“They’ll be so lucky to have you. I guarantee”.

~***~

Jongin’s texts were the last thing Seulgi wanted to see the next Sunday morning when she woke up.

103 new chats from her group with Joohyun and Seungwan were acceptable for her. She knew all those texts would have just consisted of memes and spams to cheer her up, and she wouldn’t even complain. But 22 new chats from Jongin? That guy, seriously.

“What the hell was he talking about”, Seulgi locked her phone and shut her eyes again. She covered herself to her head with her fuzzy brown blanket. She wished that she would just sleep again until the scene of Jongin and Sehun last night won’t be replayed in front of her eyes anymore. But did it work? Of course no. If it wasn’t projected _in front of_ her eyes, it was playing _behind_ her eyes.

Then she was curious to the bone.

She ended up opening Jongin’s chat (after answering Joohyun and Seungwan’s conversation with even more memes), and God, she was surprised that this man had the audacity to send selfies of him pouting and frowning. Not just one. But five times in a row. Just because she left his chat on read the whole night. And the rest of the chats were just him calling her name and asking about her whereabouts.

_“Sorry, Jongin. I read your texts on the subway and planning to respond to it at home, but I forgot. I fell asleep last night”._

Shitty excuse, Seulgi knew. But what else could she come up with?

She was irked that every time her phone buzzed throughout that day, the deeper part of her heart wanted it to be Jongin, but her mind abolished that thought in an instant. This was the future version of herself that she set up the heartbreak for, about a month ago when she first met Jongin in person. And the irony was nothing had changed from Jongin’s side when she deliberately fell deeper into him. As far as she knew.

The more she repressed it down, the stronger the impulse that bred from within her heart.

Seulgi found herself taking her sketchbook and pencil in the afternoon with her phone latched inside a plastic claw on her desk. With half of Jongin’s face from one of the selfies he sent earlier, drawn on the paper.

Cowards, she sighed to herself.

It would be very beneficial to both of them if Seulgi confessed her feelings, and Jongin would just not treat it as a threat. So they could continue being friends, just with less the feeling. Only if she had the courage. And only if Jongin was not overreacting.

She was diving deep into her sketch when she heard her doorbell rang a couple times. Who could it be? She didn’t remember ordering things or foods online.

Seulgi pressed on one of the intercom’s button to activate the camera.

“Oh my god”.

Jongin was standing there with a phone in his right hand, typing something. She heard her phone buzzed a few seconds later. It must be him.

“Seulgi-ya! Are you home?”, he raised his voice, while Seulgi’s feet were still glued to the floor. The doorbell rang once again. This time, it was an alarm for her whole body to sprint into her desk. Seulgi took her phone off from the claw and closed her gallery right away. Her sketchbook was closed forcefully by her hands, and being insanely panic herself, she threw it under her bed.

She looked at the mirror and wondered, _Fuck, why did I wear this stained shirt?_ But time was getting thinner, her heartbeat getting quicker.

Seulgi opened the front door. Jongin stood there, with a loose navy parachute jacket, white shirt, and light wash denim. His smile was so broad it almost filled his whole face. He then lifted his left hand, which was holding a big paper bag with a well-known cafe’s logo printed on it.

“Hey. Can I come in?”.

~***~

_To be continued...._


	11. False Idea

“Why are you coming so sudden?”, Seulgi took on a sip of her iced hibiscus tea from the plastic cup while opened the curtain next to her bed even wider. “How if I’m not home?”. The 4:27 PM afternoon sunray then seeped through the big window into her bed and floor.

“I just want to see you”, the words relaxedly dropped out of Jongin’s mouth. Seulgi stopped her hand movement, grabbing into the curtain for a second before she turned around. “And I can finish these two in one day”, Jongin raised his own cup, filled with an iced americano, and pointed out Seulgi’s cup. “Don’t worry about that”.

“How am I not going to be worried if you’re about to consume tons of caffeine in one go?”.

“Does tea have caffeine too in it?!”. Seulgi thought Jongin was joking with that statement, but not after seeing how his eyes and mouth agape in surprise.

“Every day, you’ll learn something new. It’s nice”. She took a seat next to Jongin on her couch. “So, what is it about?”.

“What?”.

“The last time you came to my flat, you had a fight with your Dad”, she said.

Jongin threw his gaze to portions of the building, sky, and clouds behind Seulgi’s huge window. “The weather is nice today”.

“You came here because the weather is nice?”, Seulgi furrowed her eyebrows. “That’s...odd”.

Instead of proceeded with giving a real answer, Jongin just smiled mysteriously. He stood up and dragged his feet towards Seulgi’s vanity table, which then the stacks of makeups drew his attention in. His index finger quickly tapped on her lip products collection to count it. “12 different reds, 4 different pinks. A fan of red, huh”.

“Your point?”. When Seulgi approached him, Jongin already sat on the chair, peering at himself in the mirror.

“Does this building have a rooftop?”.

Seulgi wondered why none of Jongin’s words are connected since the first time he stepped into her flat. From nonchalantly giving her iced tea, not specifying why he came here, counting her lip products, and now asking for the rooftop. Was there something wrong with him?

“Yeah, why? Plausible answers only”.

“Come on, let’s put on some makeup and dress nicely before the sun sets. The golden hour works magic on our appearance”.

Even though she was still a bit confused about Jongin’s scattered words and behaviors, that was a great idea.

So, Seulgi and Jongin spent the next 30 minutes putting on makeups to their faces. Jongin skipped his complexion because his shade didn’t match with Seulgi. But that can be fixed with a touch of translucent powder, as the base of his face itself was already quite decent. Seulgi was challenged when Jongin asked her to apply eyeshadows. She swore her hands were quivering when the space between her face and Jongin’s was nearly nonexistent.

Jongin, on the other hand, was calm and collected still. He opened his eyes when Seulgi commanded him too, and he was greeted with well-brushed smoky eyeshadows on his lids.

“Wow”, he cooed in awe, rotating his head slowly to the right and left. “So your hands are really _that_ talented”.

“Thanks. My hands can do a lot more”, Seulgi tapped on Jongin’s shoulder and made a moving gesture with her palm. She then replaced Jongin’s position on the chair.

“Such as?”.

“Cooking, writing, slapping someone’s face”. With a straight face, Seulgi took a palette of eyeshadows from her table and stared at the tiny rectangles filled with rose-mauve-gold shades in it.

Jongin was about to sip on his drink when he heard Seulgi’s statement. “Did I hear that right?”.

“Yeah. Just once. And he deserved it”.

“Why, though?”.

“There was a senior chasing me during my sophomore year”, her hand hovered above one cylinder filled with brushes, still thinking about what brush she should take. “I already told him that I wasn’t interested, but he kept chasing me, texting me, and even worse, following me to my home. The next day, I came to his class to unleash my rage, and...that happened”.

On the corner of Seulgi’s vanity table, Jongin sat to hear her story. “Did he stop after that?”.

“Of course. I’m so glad I did it”, Seulgi began to apply a muted pink color as the base of her lid. “My brother already enrolled in college when it happened, so I can’t ask for his help. That guy will be dead meat if my brother stepped in”.

“You got an A-plus for bravery”, Jongin chuckled. “Is it good, though? To have an older brother? I wish I can have one”.

“Subjectively speaking, it kinda sucks. He will always find a way to steal the attention from my parents, never told me that he loves me...”. She stopped to take a flat brush and swiped it onto the golden shimmery shade. “But I know he cares. By fighting kids who tried to bully me and supplying my drawing tools”.

“That sounds superb to me”.

“Cause you don’t have one”.

That sentence alone was enough to make Seulgi and Jongin laughed in unison.

Finished with makeup, Seulgi pushed Jongin to the outside of her flat and locked him out. She wanted to have a moment to choose the right outfit, and that couldn’t be done even when Jongin was locked inside her bathroom. No, their proximity was still too close.

She landed her decision on a square-collared dress that ended its length right on her knees’ level. Soft shades of beige and light pink from the floral pattern were printed on a white base. She tied the dress’ bow to the back to accentuate the shape of her torso. This dress was too girly for her usual casual look, but this matched really well with her overall makeup. Seulgi finally unlocked her door after wearing her white headband and white converse.

Jongin turned his back upon hearing the beeping sound from Seulgi’s door. And what greeted him was beyond his expectation.

He stared at Seulgi for some good seconds that felt forever to Seulgi, until she eventually snapped and said, “What? Never seen me in a dress before?”.

Jongin shook his head. “You look awesome in one”. _No, I mean pretty. Why did I say awesome like a bro?_

Seulgi snorted. She then led Jongin the way into the elevator, up to the rooftop they were aiming for.

Spending one fine summer afternoon in the middle of July by having a mini photoshoot with her crush on the rooftop, with the hubbub of people and vehicles were muffled at least thirty meters below their feet...Seulgi thought it will only happen in one of those cheesy rom-com movies. But when she pressed the shutter on Jongin’s phone while the object of her photograph was resting his back on the concrete fence, she was convinced it was really her life. Jongin knew how good he looks, and it was pretty easy for him to strike a pose and generate good photos. Every angle, every degree, no one will scream ugly.

Seulgi found out that to match her confidence level with Jongin’s, she had to sweep her nervousness away—which was easier said than done. Having Jongin taken her photograph means that she would be the only person in his field of vision. That obviously wouldn’t help.

Only if she knew Jongin enjoyed having his attention focused on Seulgi at that moment.

The way Seulgi’s long dark brown hair flowed by the wind to her back, how her dress swayed in the same direction, and the match made from the heaven of Seulgi’s dewy face and the golden sun ray, Jongin was mesmerized. Was Seulgi always look like this before? Or it just came to his senses today?

Jongin dragged a rusty stool that resided near the entrance door to the corner where Seulgi stood. He placed his phone on top of it, but it kept tumbling over. He then pulled out his wallet from his jeans' pocket to make it a prop for his phone.

“We haven’t taken a picture together”, Jongin set the timer to 10 seconds before he clicked on the shutter. “Come on!”.

Seulgi have no time to protest as Jongin’s arm already encircled on her back, which made his hand landed on her shoulder.

A heavy influx of boldness surge when a portion of her back rested on Jongin’s chest. Now Seulgi could figure out—she just needed to relax, enjoy her moment with Jongin, and be comfortable with him to feel at ease. Because Jongin always did the same with her.

She then wrapped her arm around Jongin’s waist with no further hesitation. Looking up into Jongin’s expression, he smiled widely.

It was more than enough amount of reassurance that Seulgi needed.

When Jongin took his phone back and showed the result to Seulgi, she squinted her eyes and shook her head. “This doesn’t look natural”. She then turned it into video mode before placing Jongin’s phone on the stool carefully again. “Let’s just record ourselves talking or telling jokes”.

“Brilliant”.

They rushed back into the concrete fence when Jongin’s phone started recording. It began with just both of them looking into each other’s eyes until Seulgi was the first to crack up even though nothing was funny. Jongin laughed along with her, and it was because Seulgi’s laugh was contagious.

“Okay, for real, for real”, Seulgi leaned her arm on top of the fence, just a few centimeters above her waist. “You still can speak English, right? Full paragraph, from start to end?”.

“Yeah, of course”.

“I want you to tell me the steps of making sundubu jjigae without mentioning any Korean words, even if the ingredients are in Korean”.

“What?!”, Jongin raised his voice.

“If you slipped a Korean word, you’d gain a slap in the arm from me. That will be fun! Come on, show off your bilingual skill”.

Jongin ran both of his hands into his hair and squealed. “Fine. I’ll try my best”.

He took a deep inhale while imagining the steps of making one of his favorite meals. The problem was, he rarely helped his Mom in the kitchen, and that’s because he was clumsy. He would just sit nicely in his room instead of knocking a set of knives in the kitchen and injured everyone.

“Okay...so...you’ll need tofu, of course. That’s where the sundubu comes—aw!”.

Seulgi slapped his arm right after catching the word sundubu from him.

“Fine, fine, I’ll continue!”, Jongin rubbed the spot where Seulgi hit him and hissed. “Then you’ll need an egg, green onion, chili powder, and other dishes like beef or mushroom depends on your choice. And for the soup, you have to boil some stock, I don’t know if that was chicken or beef or anchovy, but you need water with some taste”.

Seulgi still grasped what Jongin said, but it was just too funny to discover that Jongin wasn’t clueless about the language—he was clueless about the cooking steps.

“And how do you make it?”.

Jongin bent down to push his knees with both of his hands. He squealed, again, for the second time in less than a minute. “Damn, how do I make it? I don’t know, just throw everything to the pan and let it simmer?!”.

“Uh...I don’t think my Mom just throw everything at once at the pan when she made sundubu jiggae?”.

“Yeah, me neither”.

Seulgi shook her head, still couldn’t contain her laughter. “Next time, you should walk to the kitchen at least once in your life, okay?”.

“What if you just ask me something else other than cooking? I promise I’ll answer it flawlessly in English. Cooking isn’t just my forte”.

“Okay, then I’ll ask you about...”, a brief pause before Seulgi’s next words were filled with her humming. “Me”.

“What is it?”.

“Tell me everything about...me”.

Jongin walked to the stool and pressed the red button on the screen to stop recording. Back into the pocket of his jeans again were his phone and his wallet.

Seulgi wanted to ask “why?”, but the words stopped at the tip of her tongue as her mind discovered its own answer. Not everything, especially something really personal, should be recorded by any device but their own memories.

Jongin began his long essay with lips pursed into a thin smile.

“From the first time I talked with you during our Vault days, which was not so long ago, but I just want to make it dramatic anyway”, he laughed, “I knew that you’ll be the person that I’ll run into even when a slight inconvenience happened to me. You always attentively listen to me on every topic that I put on the table, be it the useless one or the heavy one. You never judged me for my decision or for my identity. And that’s...very relieving knowing that every day I always have to make sure no one is going to kill me after knowing who I really am”.

“I adore the way that you think. You aren’t just the textbook-smart type of person. You are open to new ideas and know how to respond in the right way. That also comes with a sarcastic trait, but honestly, I enjoy hearing it a lot”.

Seulgi never really heard him saying something this long and fluent in English—only a few slipped words or when they were texting. And even though she really found it attractive, there was something else that took almost a hundred percent of her attention.

The sun gradually dropped itself to the horizon, and now the sky was filled with a hue of oranges and violets. Was it beautiful? Yes. But the way Jongin’s eyes glimmered as both corners of his lips raised into a smile?

Breathtaking.

“Truthfully, after that damned accident, home didn’t feel like home to me anymore. And it gets worse every day. But I know I can always count on you, Seulgi. No, you’re not just a distraction, don’t get me wrong. Seeing you and telling you what’s burdening me are things that helped me get through the rough days. Because I can freely be myself in front of you. And that’s...very powerful”.

Seulgi didn’t expect the guy that was merely a stranger on the internet a few months back had such a grand conception about her. How was the process? It wasn’t like she tried so hard to grab any crumbs of Jongin’s attention, hoping that he will return it with tenfold interest. Was she allowed to feel exceptional right now?

She stared at him without any pause as words were jumbling in every direction inside her mind.

And what good that words did in a moment that made Seulgi floated on cloud nine? Nothing. This was one of the moments where words should not be responded to equally with words.

With every bit of courage that flowed inside her blood, Seulgi grabbed Jongin by the collar of his navy jacket to pull him closer to her. She didn’t let Jongin uttered any words. For less than a second after, Seulgi already tilted her head, brushing her lips against his. He locked Jongin’s lips in a soft kiss.

Jongin stood still in his position, froze as the ground beneath his feet chained him unyieldingly.

Just like that, all the admiration towards Seulgi he felt before sucked into a vacuum, leaving him feeling uneasy. He was a fool for realizing that liking the way Seulgi accepted, listened, and gave him attention, wasn’t the same as loving Seulgi as a whole human being with a multifaceted personality.

_How dumb could you be, Jongin?_

He shouldn’t be kissing someone he didn’t love. The reason behind that principle was based on his fear.

Fear of being _the only one who will fall_ , or fear of giving _false hope_.

Jongon knew which one fit his condition with Seulgi currently.

And Seulgi knew what he knew.

She slowly opened her eyelid, pulled away from the kiss as she couldn’t even bear to see Jongin from this close. Her white Converse’s sole made frictions with the rough concrete underneath when she pushed herself closer to the fence. The usual reason for the excessive admirable features from Jongin she should digest in one go wasn’t the case for this moment.

Seulgi only had one kiss throughout her entire life before Jongin, and even though it wasn’t the best, she knew what to be expected. A little touch, be it on her shoulder, nape, waist. Or a smile the second they pulled away from each other. Or some silly cheesy words that didn’t make sense during the ordinary day but will sound like the angel’s singing from heaven during the intimate moment.

None of those was exhibited.

“Sorry, Jongin”, she tried to stay calm as the embarrassment and regret gained control of her sense at unprecedented speed. “I’m sorry”.

A few blinks before Jongin finally spoke, “Did I give you the wrong idea?”.

Just like a light switch, Jongin’s question turned Seulgi’s regret into anger fast enough.

“Are you being serious right now?”, Seulgi asked him back. “Are you really serious?”.

“Seulgi, wha—”.

“After all the things that you’ve done to me? You expect me to be a plain robot? You expect me to feel nothing at all?”, a rise in her tone was significant to tell Jongin that she was mad. “Why is it so easy for you to dump all your attention to me, coming to me every time you please, then when I kiss you, you really questioned whether all of those were wrong ideas?”.

_Oh no._

“I thought that I like you, Seulgi. But I was wrong”. Jongin knew better than running from the problem that was partially caused by himself. “I was...I was trying to figure out all these things too, and I’m sorry if you caught it the wrong way”.

Seulgi clenched both of her fists. Never before Jongin making her this mad, to the point that she felt a chill on her fingertips, spreading up to her chest and throat. Jongin’s eyes looked like something she would see in her worst nightmare. Her mind was filled with clumps of clouds made from mostly anger and disappointment, hindering her ability to think clearly.

“It’s fine if you don’t like me”. Seulgi didn’t expect her voice to be trembling. As much as she hated it, she still had loads of things to say. “But you already knew that I like you, yet you keep doing everything without restraining yourself? So you only wanted the attention and all those understanding-listening-shits you said before, but you don’t want me, right?”.

Jongin was taken aback for a few seconds.

“No, I never thought that you have any special feelings for me before this....”, Jongin shook his head. “You...you always acted like what I know as good friends, and I...”. He stopped midway to realize how stupid all of his words must currently be sounded in Seulgi’s ears.

“You need a damn kiss? As your turning back point into understanding things you should know way earlier?”, Seulgi said, followed with a scoff after. “How freaking dense you could be?”.

“Yeah, call me dense and all of that, but you did give me the wrong idea too!”, he took a step closer to Seulgi. “You never acted as you wanted me, and I went through with it, and now you’re mad because I did the same thing as you? How about you check up on your expectation too? You won’t be this raging if you never thought the possibility of me liking you in the first place”.

“Not everything is about your standard, Jongin! Just because I didn’t act like what you perceive as love doesn’t mean that my feelings didn’t exist! And how can I not think about you like me when you trusted me with all of your stories and secrets? Those little touches? Constantly wanting to see and talk to me? What the hell, Jongin? Does it even make sense to you?”.

Jongin ran his fingers through his hair and gave it a light squeeze. He wasn’t the type of person who liked to start or be involved in an argument. But he already fell deep in it, with one of the persons he treasured the most, and the thought of it alone already spark a headache.

“Fine, Seulgi. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. You worth so much more than my ego, and I don’t wanna lose you, okay?”. That was the point. He never wanted to let Seulgi slid off his grip, which explained all the things he did for Seulgi—but unfortunately, Seulgi didn’t have the same intention as him.

“You’re sorry because I’m finally voicing my feelings after suppressing it for so long, and you don’t wanna lose me because your ego worth much more than me”, Seulgi looked at him in the eye for the last time that day. “But now you already do”. Her huge steps set her apart from him, meter by meter, until she slammed the rooftop door behind her back—completely disappeared from Jongin’s vision.

As much as Jongin was already familiar with this feeling, it didn’t desensitize him from the pain. There was a dull ache that physically hurt his chest. He looked up into the sky above him, and it turned a lot dimmer, darker than the first time they got into this rooftop, when everything between him and Seulgi was still completely fine.

He rested both of his arms on the top of the concrete fence and buried his face there.

_I deserve all this pain because I’m so fucking dumb and dense._

~***~

_Life should keep going, life should keep going._

Seulgi changed her attire entirely back into her stained shirt and sat on her bed, facing the big window, hugging her knees. She didn’t turn on the light at all so she could focus on seeing the stars blinked upon the pitch-black sky.

_Don’t be dramatic. It’s just a boy._

She convinced herself that she just stepped into her 20s, and heartbreak would be a common theme at this period. Maybe that was good. Now she could focus on her academic achievements without worrying and continually guessing about the intention behind Jongin’s acts towards her.

_“100dollar, I hate to say this darn cheesy line that makes me want to puke, but we have been looking at the same sky all this time. And so does the other 7 billion humans on this planet. And everyone in the entire human history. But I’m more than sure that all of us won’t think about the strictly same thing when we do so. What fills your mind when you looked at the sky tonight?”._

Seulgi slammed her forehead into the window’s glass as if it could make it disappear. But it didn’t. It only made the glass produced a deep, full, reverberating sound. How could that memory resurface again into her mind at the time she didn’t want to?

And how could her answer still be the same as the one she uttered months ago?

_“You. I’m thinking of you when I looked at the sky tonight”._

Seulgi got up from her bed and turned the lights on. She needed to distract herself with something. She couldn’t let Jongin be the main subject of her thoughts tonight. So, she looked around her small flat to find something to do.

It got so much worse that even landing her gaze on her couch alone already reminded her of Jongin, the time when he ran into her after a fight with his dad. The slow music, the touch on her waist and hands, the fabric of his shirt—

She half-ran into her cabinet to take a glass and fill it with cold water from the bottle inside her fridge.

The feeling of coldness running down her throat has never been this amazing as if it extinguished all the fire and rage inside her. She drank another glass of cold water and another one until she felt really full. Guess that she didn’t need to eat dinner anymore.

She randomly rotated her face to her right side, where the front door was still searching for things to do, but _holy fuck_. Her mind came back into a bushfire after being splashed by tons of water.

Jongin hugged her there, behind the front door, so tender and loving with his stroke on her back.

Seulgi realized she wasn’t okay. Seeing a fucking door should not make her triggered like this, but now she did, and Seulgi had to gulp on another glass of cold water.

How could she sleep in this place if it just reminded her of something she wanted to avoid so severely at the moment?

~***~

Joohyun opened the door to her apartment, raised her eyebrows after seeing what Seulgi brought inside that plastic bag.

“You want to drink? So sudden?”, she asked.

“Can you please let me in first?”.

Joohyun rolled her eyes and opened the door for Seulgi. “Not gonna thanking you”, Seulgi said when she stepped in.

“What happened?”, Joohyun followed her from behind. Seulgi sat on Joohyun’s couch and put her sling bag carelessly on the floor. The glass bottle clanked when she leaned it beside her. Taking one bottle from the plastic bag, Seulgi opened it and about to gulp it, not before Joohyun pulled her hand away furiously.

“No, not the whole bottle, you dumbass”, Joohyun took the soju bottle from Seulgi’s hand. “Wait here”.

Joohyun came back with two small glasses from her cabinet. She poured one shot for herself and one for Seulgi, and they drank it together.

“Wow”, Seulgi furrowed her eyebrows. “It tastes like shit”.

“The first shot always tastes like shit”, Joohyun replied. “It gets better over time, especially when you’re sad”.

Seulgi chuckled. _Especially when you’re sad. Hell yeah, this alcohol would taste like heaven tonight_.

She took another shot and gulped it vigorously.

“Can you please answer why did you suddenly have an idea to drink and have a sleepover here?”. Joohyun fidgeted her nails on the glass. “I need to know the context, okay? I’m not gonna let you have a hangover and throw up in my place again”.

“Seungwan lives with her parents, I can’t do anything much in her house”.

“You know that wasn’t what I mean”.

“Have a guess”. Another shot of soju downed into her system.

“Jongin?”.

Seulgi almost choked on the burning alcohol. Not just the way Joohyun guessed it in one go, but hearing Jongin’s name again—

“Okay, it’s Jongin then. Guess that it’s pretty serious. You’re not really a fan of drinking. What? Did he get back with his ex?”.

“Slow down”, Seulgi took a deep breath. “No, he didn’t. It’s a long story...but the gist is, we won’t be talking anymore, well, at least until both of us are alright”.

“You got into a fight with him?”.

Seulgi nodded.

Shrugging her shoulder, Joohyun then leaned her back to the couch. “Ah, right. Seungwan hasn’t treated us food yet. How about you tell the detail tomorrow to us?”.

“Fine”. With her right hand, she poured the liquid from the bottle into her glass and handed it to Joohyun to do the same. “Cheers to being single forever”.

“Cheers”, Joohyun pushed her glass into Seulgi’s until it clinked, and drank it in one go, laughing at their own misery.

~***~

Seulgi woke up with a headache that she quickly combated with aspirin and lots, lots of water. She returned to her flat and got changed while continually trying to diminish every obtrusive thought about Jongin. She ended up telling the whole story to Seungwan and Joohyun at the first cafe they went to, and it took them three freaking hours. The employees were probably sick of seeing Seungwan, Joohyun, and Seulgi not leaving their seats, while they couldn’t do anything to shoo them away.

Luckily, Seungwan got them into cafes and restaurants with appetizing meals, and she felt a little better by it. Well, at least food never disappoints her.

But when she came back to her flat, the wave of gloominess came back to hit her again right at her chest.

 _This,_ Seulgi took her shoes off and threw them mindlessly, _cannot be tolerated._

_I can’t feel like this forever._

She lay on the floor. The ceiling above her was white and silent, but it felt like they would probably laugh at her if they could.

After spending some minutes thinking to herself, Seulgi pulled her phone out from her jeans pocket. She got an idea—an excellent idea, to be honest, because it won’t harm anyone, yet she could still heal herself. She opened her group chat with Seungwan and Joohyun, then typed,

_“Guys._

_I’ll be back in Incheon until college starts._

_Anyone wants some red ginseng or seaweed when I come back to Seoul?”._

_~***~_

_**To Be Continued...** _


	12. Time To Cool Down

Jongin couldn’t understand his emotions sometimes.

The next morning when he woke up, his chest and head were lighter than a feather, which contradicted what he brought before he slept. All the weight was gone to a place he had no clue about.

He felt nothing. 

And he knew he wasn’t supposed to feel this way.

Today, it most likely became his second consecutive days spent crying if he was being in his usual character. But he didn’t even shed a tear since last night.

It got him pondering, was Seulgi never really that important to me in the first place?

Jongin got his own argument broken when his eyes met another pair of his eyes in another medium. Like, the sketch that Seulgi made at their first (official) meeting. He still stuck it on his desk, next to the boring stacks of his textbook for last semester. Then, tons of photos they have taken together look at him back straight to his eyes. He never regretted any second from the memories he shared with Seulgi, ever. 

The wrongness, he concluded, was in him. 

Jongin went through the rest of his day by conducting an autopilot mode. The water ran down from his scalp to his feet, his heart beat like a marching band drum as the speed on the treadmill increased, his fingers typed words by words on his keyboard before he pressed the send button—and the void remained unchanged. Once in a while, he would stop doing anything he did at that time because it didn’t feel real as if his body wasn’t connected to his mind. He was detached from anything he did, and he had to remind himself that it wasn’t a bizarre dream at all. 

The realization of his abnormal emotional state escalated when going to the dance studio didn’t even spark the same enthusiasm inside him. Yes, he still caught all the moves precisely, but at what cost? The practice even felt fleeting. He blinked his eyes, and then, boom, it already finished. 

_I need to feel something._

_But what kind of feeling, exactly?_

He spent the next day playing PUBG with Chanyeol and some of his friends from morning to midnight. Tons of win streaks, one fast food meal, two cups of water, and barely three hours of sleep later; Jongin stopped playing after Chanyeol gave up and told him to play again next week. 

The only thing left inside Jongin was tiredness. It was not the kind that made him want to sleep, but the kind that made him rethink why he chose life over death before his soul was thrown into the world for the first time, 21 years ago. 

Jongin tried to watch the saddest movie he could find at that moment. Sehun once said to him that he was a crybaby—the tragic part hardly started, but Jongin’s eyes already wallowed in water. He admitted that it was true. An external event could easily poke on his sadness and played with them nonchalantly. Subjectively speaking for Jongin, the highest form of the sad movie was if the dog character died, and that was why he spent hours putting ice on his swollen eyes the night he watched Hachiko back then in high school. 

Two hours passed and Jongin closed his laptop’s lid with a blank face.

Part of it caused by the way he couldn’t concentrate the whole time. And the other part, he often questioned to himself: _should I feel sad about this scene?_

The hollowness turned into rage. All of his effort to feel something didn’t produce an immensely satisfying result, but it was a paradox that he finally felt angry for not feeling anything. _So, now I can feel something because I can’t feel anything? What kind of fucking sorcery is this?_

Jongin stared into the mirror above his sink, and his reflection returned his gaze even stronger. Both corners of his eyes raised and his eyebrows furrowed, jaw clenched, and there were a couple attempts to bring his breath pace into normal. At this point, even the previously most unthinkable ways to hurt himself resurfaced. He wondered how much force he should put into his head if he wanted to bang the mirror into pieces. How much blood would flow from his head? Would it be worse than the bleeding from his legs six months ago? Maybe not. It was just his head against the mirror, not two objects moving at 90 kilometers per hour. 

But his cowardice weighed more than his willingness to hurt himself. Jongin found it funny that even at this moment, his urge for survival still won, no matter how much everything made him want to end it all. He ended up laughing while looking at himself in the mirror. 

The next afternoon, Jongin put on his all-black tracksuit and sneakers with the same color. The sun still set late because of summer, and it was a perfect occasion to jog through the residential complex. He couldn’t open his eyes before 9 AM anymore—so it was impossible to exercise when the sun was just above his head. 

Jongin wanted to feel exhausted. By that, he would be able to sleep at the regular hour and reset his biological clock. And bury his train of disturbing thoughts to the most bottomless pit. Lifehack? No. Jongin just didn’t want to process anything he felt thoroughly anymore. 

So, he ran. Passing house by house, pond by pond, road by road, until he eventually completed the first leap. Jongin continued through the second leap. Some of his neighbors greeted him along the way because his father was quite well known in the neighborhood. Jongin had to generate the closest thing to a smile when someone he didn’t even recognize addressed him by a phrase he loathed the most.

_Mr. Kim’s son._

He scoffed a few meters after that lady with a baby stroller greeted him with the same phrase. _I’m not his son anymore, am I?_

Jongin’s wrath became his fuel to run faster. He raised his left wrist, where his smartwatch was placed on and observed as his heartbeat rate elevated. _Good. Keep running, Jongin._

He stopped calculating how many leaps he had passed after running for an hour. If someone took his tracksuit off and squeezed it hard enough, the amount of sweat would be able to fill a whole basket. His calves and thighs became the part where the throbbing pain centered, and he thought, _will I break my legs again this time? Doctors said I won’t have the same ability like I used to, right?_ Not even finding an answer yet, he substituted his question with another one; _fuck, am I going to die with my current heartbeat? Will my heart explode from beating too much?_

Jongin didn’t even bother to answer everything he had in mind as his lungs were gasping for more and more oxygen. His vision was getting blurry, partly from the sweats and partly from tons of imaginary static ants. 

_I can’t do this anymore._

_No, I can. I should keep running. I should push my limit._

A red car going inside the garage of a house a few meters in front of him was the last thing Jongin saw before everything turned black. His body tumbled to the ground, generating a loud thud.

And finally, his mind went quiet. Like what he always wished for.

~***~

This was Seulgi’s first thirty minutes inside the train that carried her to her hometown, Incheon. The landscape that this train passed had varied from mountains, lakes, rivers, busy highways, to densely populated areas. She had to spend another thirty minutes before she arrived at the station, and her trip to home was still a long way to go.

Seulgi had not been home for quite a bit. The last time she went home was during the end-year holiday. Her brother came home too for a shorter period than she was because he had to work again. Seulgi fancied living alone, but there were times when she wanted to be surrounded by her family. 

Like, being heartbroken. 

She didn’t have to converse with her Mom and her Dad about a guy who broke her heart. Them being in the house doing everything they please was already enough to give Seulgi a sense of security, that she wasn’t lonely. Because being alone and feeling lonely were two disparate things and Seulgi only favored the former. 

The second thirty minutes passed like a blink of an eye. Seulgi took a deep breath when the cold air from inside the train was replaced with a more humid and warmer aerial. Every corner and side of this station was filled with people, people, and more people. Clutching into the handle of her backpack, Seulgi walked away from the crowd. The sunlight hit on the back of her head as soon as she stepped outside the station.

The watch on her wrist told her it was still two hours before her parents came back from work. Three, if the higher-ups nagged a lot. Seulgi needed some time to be alone first before she surprised her parents with her arrival, just to make sure she still remembered how Incheon looked like (although it was just an hour away from Seoul). So, she took a subway to one of the main roads in Incheon. There was a relatively well-known cafe that she knew there, where she usually hung out with her high school friends after coming back from Seoul. Although a new cafe always popped out every day in Incheon—and in Seoul too, Seulgi swore to God why people like to open a cafe business that much—sticking to a familiar place won her choice. 

Seulgi sat at the utmost corner of this cafe where no one but the waitress would pass. She needed to be alone while sipping on her yuzu berry drink. Putting her chin on top of her palm, she stirred the sweet-sour beverage with the straw while fixating her gaze on the wall. Sometimes she saw unreal objects made from patterns of water stain and dirt, that every time she shook her head off, a different thing would be formed. 

_Gestalt_. A concept where our visual perception will force us to fill the empty spot just to make it a cohesive object. Like it or not, our brain is a perfectionist, and a perfectionist would not want incomplete work. Seulgi knew it was applied only to visible patterns; hence, many interior designers were using this concept for aesthetic purposes. But Seulgi wondered, did it apply to abstract ideas too? 

What if months she and Jongin spent learning about each other end up with a loose end instead of a dead-end? Maybe their fight wasn’t really the end. There were two main paths if her assumption was valid: restart everything with Jongin, but this time, none of them were allowed to fall for each other; or verbally articulating to Jongin that their relationship officially ended.

Even technically, it hadn’t even started yet. 

Whatever it was, Seulgi desperately wanted to close the gap. But when she diverted her eyes into her phone, where tons of their pictures and chats still resided, her mind went blank. 

_What should I say to you, Jongin?_ She muttered inside her mind while looking at the first photo they took together. _What would be the words both of us want to hear the most?_

“Seulgi?”.

The imaginary Jongin’s figure ruptured into pieces when she heard a male’s voice calling her name. And that man currently standing in front of Seulgi with the broadest smile she ever saw—

“Baekhyun?!”, she stood up from her seat, eyes widened in disbelief.

“Whoa, what’s the Yonsei student doing here in her hometown?”, Baekhyun spread out his arms, ready to receive an embrace from Seulgi, only for him to remember...Seulgi did not like to have physical interaction. “Right, sorry, I forget that you’re allergic to touch”, he said as he put his arms down. 

Seulgi let an awkward grin. “I just come back from Seoul. Did you come here alone, or should I come back to spacing out on my own?”.

“I’m actually waiting for a friend”, he scratched the back of his head numerous times. “But, hey, never mind. We haven’t met for years, okay?”.

“It is actually just six months”. Seulgi came back to her seat, and Baekhyun followed, facing her. “How are you doing? Still suffering? From all the chemical equations and numbers?”.

“It is not suffering if I get an A. Yeah, just an A, and the rest are Cs and Ds, if you’re wondering”, Baekhyun raised his eyebrows.

Seulgi laughed along and leaned her body forward. “You were working hard, I know”.

“And how about you? Asking you since we never even texted again”.

“I’m...doing well in college”, she said. “Sorry! You know I prefer to talk to you directly rather than texting you”.

“So we can only talk like, every six months”, Baekhyun folded his arms right on top of the table. “What do you mean in college? You have to sacrifice your social life for your academic success?”.

Baekhyun hadn’t changed from what Seulgi knew in the past four years ago. They first met during their freshman year after enrolling in a theatre club in their high school. The moment Baekhyun walked through the door, he made the atmosphere livelier with his quick wit, straightforwardness, and naturally funny trait. Everyone always flocked into him to hear his jokes and stories, and being one of his closest friends, she enjoyed the privilege a lot.

“I guess so?”, Seulgi shrugged her shoulder, took a sip on her drink once more. 

“What is that, you have trouble with some guy?”.

Seulgi instantly furrowed her forehead, took out the straw from her glass, and then shook the remaining liquid in Baekhyun’s direction. He dodged it by reflexively raised both of his arms while he laughed.

“How did you know?!”.

“It’s written all over your face”, Baekhyun made an invisible circle around his face with the tip of his index finger. “What, you got friendzoned again this time?”.

“Can we both agree to leave my pathetic senior year love life behind and move on because—I’ve changed?”, Seulgi rolled her eyes. “I don’t wanna talk about it”.

“Oh, come on, Seulgi. You know you _should_ talk about it to me”.

Seulgi shook her head. “Not now!”.

Baekhyun felt a short vibrate from his phone on his jeans pocket. He took his phone out and read the text from his friend before he turned into Seulgi and said, “You’re right, not now. My friend is here. I’ll text you later, okay? We gotta finish this conversation”. He stood up, fixing his red jacket to firmly hugged his broad shoulder again. “See you later, Seulgi”.

“See ya”, Seulgi waved to him. She watched Baekhyun walked into the front side of the cafe where a girl and a guy already sat next to each other. They immersed in a fun conversation just a moment later, seeing from how free they laughed together. Seulgi sighed deeply. _Good for him, then._

~***~

Ten minutes ago when the subway stopped at the station, the sun just set, and the sky darkened ever since. When Seulgi finally stepped her feet in front of her house, the light on the front porch was on. Her parents were home already. The wooden garage door was closed, so does the tall, black fence that guarded her house. She pulled the fence harshly into her direction and when it finally left a gap wide enough for her body, Seulgi walked inside, and repeat what she just did to close it.

She could just walk in like nothing happened. But it would freak her parents out. So, she pressed on the doorbell a couple times, even though it felt weird that she needed permission to go inside her _own_ house. 

The door opened a few seconds after by her Dad. Taken aback by Seulgi’s sudden presence, he even took a step backward, hand on his chest as he cooed.

“Seulgi? You’re home?”.

“Yes, Dad. I’m back”. She instantly hugged her Dad tightly while smiling. He returned the hug and caressed Seulgi’s back a few times.

“Have you eaten your dinner?”. 

Seulgi took off her shoes and closed the door behind her. “Not yet”, she said, following her Dad into the dining room. Her Mom was just about to tidy up the dining table when she saw her daughter walked right in her direction and pulled her into a hug so sudden.

“Why didn’t you tell us earlier?”, her Mom said while still hugging Seulgi. “We could have prepared your favorite dak-galbi if we knew”.

“It’s a surprise”, Seulgi pulled away. “I’ll go wash up first, Mom”.

“Do you want me to cook something for you?”.

“No, it’s okay, I’ll eat later”, Seulgi already rushed into the stair that took her to the second floor where her room resided. 

Her room smelled like fresh citrus with a hint of lemongrass, and when she turned on the light, everything was sleek. Maybe even better than the state she left six months ago. The grey bedsheet and the pale-yellow curtain were clean from any dust. Knowing that her Mom still regularly checked up on her room just to tidy it, not knowing whether Seulgi would come back home or not, made Seulgi felt thankful and guilty at the same time. She never really told her parents if she wanted to go home because she had been so sufficient on her own in Seoul.

Seulgi threw herself into her bed, her _own_ bed, and closed her eyes. 

It felt nice to be home again. A place where she could seclude herself from any unwanted memories. A safe place to breath normally without being haunted by face and words she didn’t want to see.

~***~

Jongin opened his eyes and rose his body,chest rose and sank fast from the quickened breath pace. He just had a nightmare and it consumed his mind too deep that he needed a few seconds to discern where he was. When he felt the back of his left hand was sore from a needle connected into an IV bag, Jongin instantly knew. 

This was the hospital. With the all-white walls, a chemical odor that hurt his nose, air conditioning mimicked the north pole’s temperature. Grey t-shirt and black sweatpants wrapped his body, not like the soaking tracksuit that he last remembered. 

“Jongin-ah?”.

He glanced back and saw his Mom sat beside his bed. 

“Mom? What time is it now?”. 

“It’s ten past eight in the morning, Jongin”.

“How long...have I been asleep?”. 

“Mrs. Jung called home around six yesterday. She found you fainted in front of her house when she just parked her car”. His Mom took a bottle of water from the top of the nightstand and pushed it to Jongin. “Why did you force yourself too hard, Jongin? You can rest if you’re tired”.

Jongin gulped the water down, and it felt so nice that he didn’t want it to end, so he kept drinking until he emptied the whole bottle. 

How should he explain it to his Mom? The problem didn’t lie in his trust, but more about how he didn’t even know where to start. 

“I don’t know”, he replied, giving the bottle back to his Mom. “I just...want to feel fatigued, so I can sleep early”.

Mrs. Kim put her hand on top of Jongin’s head and started to caress it tenderly. “Did something happen?”.

_Yes, I’ve been feeling unwell for a whole week._

Jongin lay his back down on the bed again and shut his eyes. The scene where he saw Seulgi for the last time replayed so smooth like he had been memorizing it a million times. And honestly, he did _memorize it a million times_ while wishing it to be buried deep down at the same time.

“I lost a friend”, Jongin uttered. Loads of paragraphs were waiting behind his tongue to be tossed out into words, but he kept it on guard for now.

“A friend? What happened to them?”.

“Actually...not really a friend”, he sighed. “She...likes me. But I was confused with myself...and we...misunderstood each other...”.

The bangs that covered his forehead now descended to the back as his Mom kept brushing it over. “Have you apologized to her?”.

“Yeah. She just didn’t want to have me anymore”. 

Now that Jongin finally articulated what had been floating above his head this past week to his Mom, the numbness started to wear off. Like the effect of anesthesia fading away hours after surgery. The prickling pain was roaming near his chest, just like the time when Seulgi slammed the rooftop door, leaving him alone. 

“Must have been a good friend she is”.

It only needed one statement to elicit a thousand memories. Seulgi was there for him during his most challenging days, when thinking about Friday alone made him want to die, when his own Dad invalidate his right as a human being, when the crutch became the thing he despised the most. Seulgi didn’t even have to present physically to comfort him because he knew she was being genuine. He remembered the smile on her face when he ran towards her at the Yonsei’s hall. And the other smile when they danced inside her apartment. He remembered how focused Seulgi was while dragging her pencil to make a sketch of his eyes. Unlike him, Seulgi hated physical touch, but he watched her became comfortable inside his hug after a few passing weeks...and eventually kissed him for the first time ever.

“She is”, Jongin chewed on his lower lip. He swallowed the invisible lump in his throat, hoping it would go away. Of course, it didn’t. 

And the accumulated sadness that became the main actor behind his numbness finally break out into the form of tears. 

Jongin turned his back to his Mom and buried his face on the pillow. He cried. It should have been done since last week, but the grief had just arrived. 

Soft strokes from Jongin’s Mom landed on his arm like she was afraid to break him into pieces if she pressed too hard. Jongin was fragile. Literally and figuratively. All these years, she watched him grew up into a man with tons of capabilities, yet so afraid of people because he had shenanigans to hide throughout his life. Losing someone he trusted must have been hurt him worst. 

“Jongin-ah”, his Mom called.

Jongin kept his position intact. His tears wouldn’t stop falling.

“Mom...”, Jongin sniffed and wiped his nose. “I need time to be alone. Please”.

“You sure?”.

“I’ll talk about it later. Now please just—“. He was unable to continue after choking on his own tears and coughed.

Mrs. Kim did as her son wished. She got up from her chair and left Jongin alone in the room, still with unwavering anxiousness inside her chest.

Jongin strengthened his grip on the bedsheet as he tried to suppress the sound of his cry. _Why did it have to hurt this bad?_ Now that he lost her, every little thing started to make sense like an assembled puzzle. It’s just right under his nose of how Seulgi reacted to the sweet things he did unintentionally. 

She loved him dearly. 

And maybe he could feel the same too, if everything started off differently for them. He felt selfish for wanting every bits of attention from Seulgi without thinking about a possibility of giving a false hope to her. _Ah, Jongin, she was right. You’re so dense._

Or maybe all he felt before was love; but he wasn’t ready for it so his mind responded by being denial all the time?

Jongin promised that he would think about that later, after his surge of emotions lessened.

_ I’m sorry, Seulgi. I’m sorry.  _

~***~

_ I don't mean to be a problem _

_ I don't mean to cause you pain _

_ Don't wanna break it up but, there's no other way _

_ You're not the only one who's hurting _

_ Or who's finding this hard _

_ But you gotta admit that we're drifting apart _

Jongin caught the song resonated from Chanyeol’s speaker next to his TV while playing video games with him. He heard this song tons of times before, but Jongin didn’t really pay attention to it since it was just a regular song played everywhere he went. Funny that the textual content of this song finally made sense to him after countless replays.

 _Was love supposed to be this complicated?_ _Or it was just me and my tangled thoughts that made everything way more troublesome than it should be._

_Supposed that if I actually felt the same way as her, then what? Would it change everything? She was probably busy moving on from me now. Yeah, why should she held onto someone who couldn’t even figure out his own feelings, anyway?_

“Jongin dodge the ammo!”.

Jongin switched his concentration back into the game again as his hands were busy moving the controller. “Sorry!”, he saw his character’s health deteriorated significantly. The bar was red. His character was in critical condition.

They proceeded to play for three rounds until it ended after many failed attempts to evade their enemies. Chanyeol paused the game to take two cans of orange juice from his fridge back to his apartment’s living room.

“You good?”, he asked, handing Jongin the can.

Jongin opened the can first, gulped it down, then look at the outside surrounding from behind the huge window. The sky was already dark before it was raining, and now nothing but artificial light can be seen from this far. The raindrops were hitting every surface it could find vigorously.

“I don’t know man”.

Chanyeol tucked his can to the top of Jongin’s head a few times. “Are you really don’t know what had been happening, or you don’t know how to unroll it into words?”.

“The latter”, he peered down to the carpet beneath his feet.

“Come on, I have a whole night to listen”.

Jongin turned his head to see Chanyeol, whose eyes already demanded him for an answer. He felt bad for making it like he didn’t trust Chanyeol after years of jointly picking up every layer of their traits and personality. Jongin took a deep breath and put his tale into chronological order.

He didn’t know how much time he spent narrating Chanyeol the timeline of his life that he had been hiding all this time. It must be long enough to make his mouth dry and his jaw tired. And they must have been dense enough to have Chanyeol responded by an answer he kind of expected before:

“I’m mad at everyone, okay? I’m mad at your Dad for being disrespectful, and I’m so mad at you especially, for being so confused all the time and not telling me everything!”, Chanyeol squealed. “Dammit, how did you manage to live every single day with this?”.

Jongin pouted at the rise of Chanyeol’s tone. He also gave Chanyeol his puppy-eyes look to make it more convincing.

“Fine, don’t give me that look”, Chanyeol pushed his palm into his own eyes. “Are you done?”.

Jongin answered Chanyeol’s question by his laugh. “I don’t know that it’s your weakness”.

“No, it’s not!”. Moving his hand from his face onto the couch, Chanyeol then switched his body to face Jongin’s. “Okay, listen. I don’t know what kind of advice I should give you at this point. It is not something you can fix in a day. I’m just gonna make sure that every time you encounter something shitty like this, you’ll always have my back, do whatever you wanna do to ease the pain together with me. Anything that will not make you a junkie”. He gripped on both Jongin’s shoulders. “I’m no psychic by any means, but let me tell you; you’ll have the life you want. Finish your study, go back to San Francisco, build your own company there or something, go to the pride parade, just—I don’t know, Jongin, you haven’t seen everything in this world yet! And you will, someday!”.

This was precisely why he had been sticking around with Chanyeol for a long, long time.

Jongin bumped his fist into Chanyeol’s arm repeatedly with no additional pressure. “You know what I’m thinking about?”.

“What?”.

“I’m thankful you smashed my face with that freaking volleyball accidentally on the 12th grade. Or else this would never happen”.

“Is that how you say ‘thank you for listening to my story’?”. Chanyeol took his hand off from Jongin. “I should have known better”.

They both smiled at each other. Jongin turned it into a giggle, while Chanyeol converted it into a scoff.

“But anyway”, Chanyeol raised his eyebrows and faced Jongin once more. “Is it an insult if I call you dumb?”.

“It’s not an insult if it’s true”, Jongin shrugged his shoulder.

“Right, because I think it is one of the side effects of being in love”.

“Do you mean...that... I’m....”.

“Fuck yes, Jongin! Where have you been all this time?!”.

Without breaking his stare at Chanyeol, Jongin blinked repeatedly.

“I told you since what, when you both pretended it was the 1800s? Sending letters to each other? You looked terribly excited when you received a single news from her”, Chanyeol chugged from his can before he continued. “You’ve opened all your sides to her and it’s hard to convince me that you don’t feel anything. Because that’s what really matters, alright? You can flirt, but not open up to everyone”.

“But what differentiates it from...you know, platonic love? Like...friendships. Like...us. I mean, I tell everything to you too, right?”.

“Okay, supposed that one circumstance will make you not be able to see Seulgi or me for a month. Which one would you choose, not seeing me for a month or not seeing her for a month?”.

Right when Chanyeol ended his question, Jongin was silenced.

“How if I date someone else, will you be jealous? Or...what if Seulgi finds someone else later...and she falls in love with him?”.

Jongin’s mouth sealed still. _Shit._ Why did the idea of not being able to meet Seulgi, even more to see her date someone that was not him were not something he wished to happen?

“I know it”, Chanyeol chuckled. “I know it!”.

“Are those the only signs?!”.

“Well, this is the second time you guys parted ways, and don’t tell me that you didn’t yearn for her”.

Jongin let out a deep sigh.

“It’s okay, man. Let both of you cool your heads down first before you talk, okay? Whatever the outcome later, it would be the best for both of you in the long run”, some soft taps from Chanyeol landed on Jongin’s shoulder. “Even though I’m really hoping both of you could be happy together”.

“Right. Now that we are in this mushy-slushy atmosphere, I want to ask you for a favor”.

“What’s that?”.

“I want to meet Seungwan and Joohyun. By their permission. You have to accompany me because I’m sure they will take any chance to kill me first”.

“Should have been cautious since a long time ago, Jongin. They might have planned something to murder you now”.

“Oh, Chanyeol. Come on”, Jongin dropped his torso to bury his face on the couch. “Just this time, please?”.

Chanyeol folded his arms in front of his chest. “Fine, I’ll try my best. And your role is not to screw things up with them”.

Jongin quickly rose his body again, just like both corners of his lips elevated into a big grin.

 _Hope is empty, hollow, and foolish,_ Seulgi once said to him, and he would never forget that sentence. Because he finally could prove her wrong.

_Seulgi, hope is as empowering as a strong will do._

_~***~_


End file.
